nobody loves you when you're twenty-three

Sadly, people love you even less when you're twenty-five. Actually, that's not true at all. But, I was feeling v. grown-up today and so am beginning to think about my future in different ways that I have in the past, or something. I started off the morning by doing an initial consultation with the woman I have decided to hire as my CPA/financial planner; she was extremely friendly and seemed thorough/knowledgeable (used to work for the IRS), and I think that it's going to be very good for me to get some practical advice about planning for the future. She took a look at my stuff and said that she wanted to look over everything in more detail to determine if I should be thinking about buying a house (gasp!), and she also said that she was going to send me a recommendation for a broker so that I could start investing more of my savings in the market.

After the meeting, I was simultaneously freaking out about my sudden adulthood and also feeling strangely happy to at least be attempting to control this aspect of my life (since I love control--and I usually either control everything or absolutely nothing, because I can't stand to be half in control; I either want to have absolute power or no power). I rushed to the office, where one of my new minions handed in his resignation letter effective two weeks from tomorrow. I was like, wtf, but I couldn't do anything about it (other than say I would get back to him on exit procedures after reading up on the appropriate guidelines, since I hadn't exactly memorized those procedures since resignations are pretty rare on the team I'm managing). Then, I spent all day in meetings handling difficult manager-speak messaging regarding compensation, HR, etc. Finally, I came home and watched 'The Office'.

So I suddenly feel completely lost and at sea in terms of what I want from life. I feel like I'm standing backwards on a 10-meter diving platform, with my arms crossed over my chest, ready to lean back and dive, and I don't know whether I'm about to dive into a warm sea of creative writing, or a murky bog of corporate whoredom. Then again, perhaps corporate whoredom is the warm sea, and pursuing creating writing is a fool's errand. I guess it all comes down to whether I want a conventional (but likely safe and happy) life, or if I want to risk it all and potentially come up empty. Granted, conventional doesn't have to be boring; if I do stay in business, I could focus on international business, or move into more interesting consultancy/project management work, or find a niche that is right for me. And to be honest, I love the feeling that I am a living example of the American Dream--in just about any other country in the world, I couldn't have gone from an agrarian, poverty-stricken backwater to an elite private university and a job at one of the best companies in the world, and I really am proud of what I've accomplished even if I wish that I were doing something more 'meaningful'. For those of you who have previously questioned my politics or my patriotism, this should go a long way toward explaining why I'm so rabidly pro-America; I can see America's flaws and wince at all of the things that we do wrong in the world, but I also embrace the limitless potential that I feel that I have here and would not have someplace else.

Anyway, perhaps these are the justifications people make right before they sell out and abandon their dreams. Or perhaps these are the pragmatic realizations that people have before they begin to think realistically about life and what they want from it. Either way, I'm extremely conflicted--I want the safety and security of a job and a family, and I believe strongly in the mission/values of my company, but at the same time I want that nauseating, exhilarating feeling of risk/excitement that comes with picking up ones' roots and moving off into the great unknown. I want to go off on a grand adventure; in a previous generation, I probably would have wanted to be a homesteader, or a colonizer, or an explorer, or a caravan trader [in a previous generation I probably also would have preferred to be a man, but whatever]. But in this generation, maybe those adventures don't exist anymore--maybe I should just settle down and play it safe.

I can feel tears welling up in my eyes just thinking about playing it safe, and yet I love my apartment and my friends and what I'm currently doing at work. This conflict isn't going to be resolved tonight, but the time is coming where I either need to make peace with the business world and begin planning with my career in mind, or I need to move on and take the backwards dive into the unknown. Either way, for tonight at least it's time for bed.