in all the good times i find myself longing for change

Today was a full-on onslaught of all the things that lure me fully into corporate america - money, status, prestige, fine wine, etc. My VP's boss is in town, and my VP also happened to have an all-hands today, which meant I had three hours of meetings with them - and I had to present a couple of things at my VP's all-hands, and also moderate a Q&A with the big big boss. We also had an official opening of our new space, including a ribbon cutting, and so I had to do that before scrambling to do some work for an hour since I'd ignored everything in favor of getting through all of the stuff that absolutely had to be done today.

But I left at 5:30 so I could drop my car off at home and then walk to Frasca to have dinner with my VP's boss and the rest of the Boulder site leadership team. I've been wanting to go to Frasca for awhile - it's next door to Pizzeria Locale and owned by the same people, but Frasca is super fancy and has won a whole bunch of James Beard awards. I shudder to think how much the bill ended up being - we had a four-course tasting menu in a private room, and the big big boss was in charge of ordering wine. Since he's French and v. v. vocal about his love of French food/wine and disdain for American food/wine, we started with a very nice champagne, then had at least three different, wonderful red wines throughout the meal. At some point I heard him say that he was going to be more reasonable with the next wine or else Sundar would fire him - which I doubt, but also, the first wine tasted like a gift from heaven and was served in a glass that was probably more expensive than any bottle of wine I would buy, so I would guess his expense account is far more luxurious than mine.

sssanyway. The food was perfect - I pretended for the night that I have no issues with gluten, and I don't regret that choice because their bread was amazing and the pasta was one of the best things I've tasted in awhile. Actually, that's a lie, because the wagyu steak and the amazing mashed potatoes in the next course were even better than the pasta. I also spent a lot of time talking to Michael and Mike about the good/bad old days from a million years ago, so I had a surprisingly fun time considering that it was a work dinner and I was attempting to be on good behavior.

But now I need to sleep off the wine so that I can get up early and do all the work I should have done tonight. Goodnight!

but there's nothing to grab so i let go

It's eleven p.m. and I just got out of a meeting, and I have to do the same meeting at ten a.m. tomorrow. Yes, my life is glamorous. I'm in a slightly better mood today than yesterday, although I just yawned like one of those Reach toothbrush guys, so I should probably go to bed.

But I survived my usual slew of meetings, had the luxury of a whole hour free in which to get some work done and grab some food, and was able to leave at 4:30. I went to the post office, came home, took a nap, and called my parents since our call last weekend was somewhat abbreviated....and ended up talking for almost an hour and a half. Then I ate some leftover enchiladas from the other night, tidied up my kitchen, did 45min of work, met with someone in India, worked for another 30min, and then sat through another hour-long meeting.

And now it's time for bed - tomorrow promises to be hectic, since my VP's boss (the big big boss?) is in town and I've got meetings and Q&As and a dinner with him, all of which excites the ambitious side of my brain and exhausts the "I would like a break now" side of my heart. But I shall survive. Goodnight!

white knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight

Today was better than yesterday....not a ton better at the office, but I had some downtime that allowed me to get a few things done so it was better than nothing. The new office space makes me v. happy - the food in our new cafe is excellent, and it's nice having a barista area to work in (it makes me feel, momentarily, that I'm #funemployed instead of working for the man).

But I was also happy because I left at 4:30 to drive into Denver - I had a dinner that I got invited to by someone on LinkedIn, and it appeared that the group was mostly comprised of other fairly senior female leaders in tech, finance, science, etc. I didn't know anyone there (the person who invited me was the founder of the group, but she's based in NYC), but it was good to step outside of my comfort zone and the Boulder bubble and meet some new people.

The dinner was at Beatrice and Woodsley, which was a v. hip, SF-style restaurant near 1st and Broadway (which is also a far hipper environment than Boulder...I stayed near there in an airbnb when I was exploring moving here, and I probably would have moved to that area if I wasn't working in Boulder). There were about 35 women there in total, with a wide variety of experiences and interests, and I mostly really enjoyed it (even though it was a lot of small talk). I met some cool people, had some great food, and exchanged numbers at the end with a woman who seemed fun, so it was worth the drive.

But now it's 11:30 and I'm desperate for sleep - goodnight!

tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world

I had a fairly annoying day at work... So annoying that I went to Verde and had chips and margaritas and some journal time to try to clear my head. Nothing dramatic happened, but I just wasn't in the mood. I'll have to get in the mood since I have a ton to do, but that's a problem for another day. Goodnight!

steak knife, card shark, con job, boot cut

I had a pretty good weekend - it's a shame that it's not a three-day weekend, but I think I'll survive. I spent yesterday investigating what it would be like to be an adult - I met up with my landlord/real estate agent (Lou), and we looked at a few houses in Denver. I'm still the tiniest bit on the fence about both location and house type - I'm pretty sure that what I want is Option A (a single-family Victorian in Denver), but there are definitely appealing things about Option B (a townhouse-style duplex in Denver with new-build layouts and fancy finishes) or Option C (a single-family home in Louisville, where the neighborhood is probably super boring and I would have to drive to everything, but where I could get like 3000+ sq feet for the price of 1600 sq feet in Denver).

However, I have heard my downstairs neighbor's girlfriend giggle for like twenty minutes straight just now, so maybe sharing a wall isn't worth it no matter how nice the finishes are. Also, I really like being able to walk to stuff (although [censored] pointed out that I just bought an Audi - did you all know that? - so maybe I could drive to more things). So I think the single-family house is probably the way to go....but we'll see.

So we looked at three places yesterday - a duplex that was really well finished but in a not-so-great location (and without a main-floor bedroom); a Victorian that was so bad that I laughed the entire time I was in it; and another Victorian that I actually really liked and might have made an immediate offer on if I didn't think I was being hasty by offering on the third house I toured (and also the bedrooms are tiny... I could turn one into a closet, but it wouldn't leave much room for future expansion). The location of the third house was a big selling point, but if there isn't room for all of my shoes, what's the point in being able to go out?

sssanyway, after looking at houses yesterday, I came home, talked to my mom, and then walked to Pizzeria Locale, where I indulged in some pizza and alone time before the rush. I also talked to [censored] and my dad, and then was so tired that I went to bed at ten and slept for over ten hours.

Today, I had to get up relatively early for a Sunday - I had brunch plans in Castle Rock with my friend Barbara. We went to Pegasus, which had an odd mix of Greek, Mexican, and American food - but my breakfast enchiladas were really tasty, and the coffee was good, so it hit everything I needed. It was wonderful to see Barbara - she spent a couple of weeks in India in January, and I was dying to hear about what she saw and how she felt and whether she loved it as much as I do (verdict: yes, but she also had all the crazy intense not-sure-if-I-like-this-or-if-this-is-the-worst-trip-ever moments that I've had before). We spent a couple of hours catching up on life, and it was exactly what I needed today.

On the way home, I stopped at Nordstrom in Park Meadows and returned some stuff, then got some different stuff. I also called Drewbaby, and we talked for quite awhile as I was driving home (and then as I was parked in my driveway / in my house). I then spent the rest of the evening eating leftover pizza, doing laundry and other house stuff, and taking care of a few annoying work tasks so that they aren't hanging over me tomorrow.

And now it's time for bed - goodnight!

shave your face with some mace in the dark

My hand still hurts, but I don't think it's broken...which is good, since I had way too much typing to do today to deal with a broken hand. I had many meetings, as usual, but I also had rather leisurely breakfast and lunch dates with various people in the office. I didn't get out until 6:15pm, which is a travesty on a Friday. But when I got home, I ate some v. tasty food that was in the fridge and spent a couple of hours organizing house stuff. I'm going to look at a few places tomorrow with my real estate agent, so I wanted to print some stuff out and make some notes about what I'm looking for so that I can better assess the places I see tomorrow.

But I didn't want to work or do personal work all night after working all day, so I stopped thinking about houses and played some Civilization instead. And now it's time for bed - goodnight!

choking on the splinters

I had meetings straight through from 8:30 to 5:30, which was not conducive to getting work done. I should have worked tonight when I got home, but instead I went to River and Woods, where I had a v. ridiculous evening - this is the second time in a row where I went there with the intent of journaling, and instead met someone involved in the pharma industry who asked for my number. But it was a v. good way to relax and ignore the many multitude of things I should be doing, so I'll take it.

Of course, I left feeling high on life, tripped as I was walking home, and felt like I broke my hand (not really, but I definitely injured it), so I was reminded that I am no longer a youthful ingenue. But I think I'll survive...although bed is a v. good idea right now, since I have to get up early to do the work I should have done tonight. Goodnight!

forces of evil in a bozo nightmare

I only got six hours of sleep last night, which was not enough. But today went about as well as it could have - I got to the office in time to grab breakfast before a 9:30 call, then slogged all day. I took a break to have lunch with Caroline - our new office building opens next week, but I was on the list to test the cafe this week. And it's so awesome - the space is really cool, and I am excited that I may not always end up eating a sandwich like I usually do (but who am I kidding, I like sandwiches).

Then I slogged the rest of the day, then had dinner at Fate Brewery with some co-workers. I wanted to skip, but I was told I had to show up to pay for it. So, I got a free burger and some wine out of the deal, which is better than nothing, even if I should have gotten other stuff done tonight.

And now it's time for bed - goodnight!

lenny bruce is not afraid

No blog - I woke up in a somewhat bad mood, and while my time in the office was okay (probably because I worked from home from 9 to noon), I ended up working until 12:30am, which was not what I wanted to do. However, I did take a 3.5hr break somewhere in there - I had happy hour with Tomas at Boulder Depot (Tomas is one of the guys I went to Frankfurt with many years ago, and he and his family moved to Boulder last year, so it's great to be working with him again). And I finally bought groceries, changed the sheets on my bed, and generally did some house stuff that I had intended to do this weekend, so it's not all bad.

But now I truly must sleep - goodnight!

what goes around comes back around

I was supposed to do a million things today, and I didn't really do any of them. I needed some time to myself this weekend after many weeks of activity, but this may have been too much sloth even for me. I didn't leave the house today, but in my defense it was ten degrees and had snowed overnight - still, I had meant to cook today, and instead just ate leftover chili for lunch and scrambled eggs for dinner. Oops.

But I did do some personal work stuff, and some finance stuff, and also took a bath, so it wasn't all a lost cause. And now I'm going to go to bed so I can get up early and contemplate the work I had meant to do today - goodnight!

lots of people out to make-believe they're living

Today was much more productive than yesterday, if you count lunch with Katie as productive. I woke up in a rather leisurely mood, made some coffee and eggs, and spent a couple of hours at my desk doing personal work stuff, which felt good. Then I took a quick shower, drove to Denver, and picked up Katie. We were going to go to Avanti, but it was super crowded; then we walked to Postino, where the wait was 30-45mins. Keep in mind that this was at 1:15pm, so clearly Denver's brunch scene is beginning to rival San Francisco's.

So we walked up to Old Major, which told us a twenty-minute wait - but they ended up seating us after like five minutes, which was perfect. They're known for their pork products since they do their own butchering, so I got the eggs benedict without the muffin, and the ham and egg and hollandaise was absolutely perfect (as were the breakfast potatoes, but I rarely meet a breakfast potato that I don't like). Katie and I had much to discuss, so we closed the place down, then went down the street to a coffee shop, which we also shut down. So, after discussing many and varied topics, I dropped her off around 4:30 so that I could head back to Boulder.

It snowed all the way back to Boulder, so I'll be interested to see what tomorrow looks like. I also talked to my parents and then ate some leftover chili (yum), and then I debated being productive...but instead I binge watched four episodes of Top Chef. I'm still not caught up, but I'm getting there.

And yes, today was still more productive than yesterday, so #noregrets. But tomorrow needs to be even more productive than that, so it's time for bed - goodnight!

rare form

Today was a good day for being lazy - which is probably what I needed after many weeks of activity, but I'm now feeling like I was a little too lazy. I did leave the house and walk down Pearl to get a haircut, and then browsed Peppercorn (my favorite home goods store) and grabbed a sandwich before coming home. This evening, I also made chili and cleaned up downstairs. But the rest of the time was spent reading Twitter (gross) or playing civilization (love it, but several hours it probably also gross).

And now I need to sleep - I intend to be lazy tomorrow, but I also intend to write and see Katie, so we'll see how it goes. Goodnight!

xoxo

I'm too tired to blog - today wasn't too taxing (I actually had one hour at my desk), but I was still at the office for nine hours. And my night was exactly the boring evening that I wanted - I went for a walk, then got takeout Mediterranean food, then drank wine and played civilization. And now it's time for bed- goodnight!

ghosts of paraguay

You can probably guess how I spent my day. If you guessed that I spent it in meetings, you were correct (and you don't get a prize because no one gets a prize for something so obvious). I got up early enough that I was able to do an hour of work at my home desk before leaving for the office, and then I took a lyft to work because I'd left my car there last night and I was running too late to walk there.

I had meetings straight from nine to six; some of them were contentious-ish, and all of them were relatively important, which meant that I had no time for lunch (I told my 1pm meeting that I was going to be late just so I could grab some food). When I came home, I probably should have worked, but I refused to - instead, I finished unpacking from Iowa, did a couple of loads of laundry, and texted with [censored]. I also spent 25mins untangling three necklaces that had gotten hopelessly tangled months ago - it was incredibly gratifying to succeed, so at least I've accomplished something worthwhile this year.

I ended the night with wine, a music station called 'post-apocalyptic electronic wasteland', and my journal...so I'm feeling more relaxed than I did (albeit sadder than I was; I've been avoiding my journal since Uncle Mark died, but I had to confront at least the uppermost tip of that emotional iceberg at some point). And now it's time for bed - goodnight!

some days i just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll

I had meetings straight from 9-3, a happy hour from 3-5, and then dinner with Alice and Annie (the managers who report to me), so I'm pretty tapped out on work and people. Dinner was great - we went to Upstairs, which is the lounge-style place above Kitchen, and the food was excellent (as was the wine, and even more importantly the company). Annie is based in Mountain View, so it's rare for the three of us to be together, and so it was great that we had a leisurely evening.

However, I'm tired, and I need to get up early to get some stuff done before work, and I was also feeling fragile this morning - grief is a very odd thing in terms of how it strikes and how variable it is when it comes to healing. So, I'm going to go to sleep despite all the pressing deadlines, and I will power through tomorrow no matter what kind of drama unfolds (tomorrow promises more drama than usual, but it's nothing I can't handle). Goodnight!

red red wine

Today was another long day, but we had some enforced fun - we left the office/off-site at 3:30 to do a wine activity. There is a winery in Boulder (one of several that I've been too snobby to go to), and we went there for a class on how to blend wines. My group did a syrah/Merlot/Malbec blend that tasted great at the time and is now probably terrible... And I'll be able to find out how terrible, since we all got our own bottle.

Then we had dinner, and then I came home, sat on my couch, took care of laundry, and then did two hours of work because I had no good choice. And now it's time for bed - goodnight!

time will help you through, but it doesn't have the time to give you all the answers to the never-ending why

Today was a punishment for all the work I missed over the last two weeks - I had meetings straight from 9am to 7pm (two hours later than I usually have meetings, although I shouldn't complain because someone in India came in at 6:30am there to meet with me since I'd asked them to reschedule from last week). Those meetings were so straight that I didn't get anything else done, which meant I had to work for a couple of hours after I got home.

But I also had a poke bowl at Motomaki, did some laundry, texted some people, and had a glass of wine, so there was a bit of relaxation in there. Also, I verified that my headache/jaw pain is stress related - it was all back by the end of the day, which was not a pleasant way to start the week. So, that's something to mull over as I try to figure out how to rebalance my life and make more time for things that don't involve making presentations. But that's a problem for another day - right now, it's time for bed. Goodnight!

know we can make it if we take it slow

Sorry for not blogging the last couple of days - I was tapped out on figuring out what to write, and also desirous of as much sleep as possible. Friday was entirely uneventful - I took a handful of meetings from home, and sent a few emails, but probably didn't do as much work as I should have since my heart wasn't in it. My parents, [censored], and I went out for supper - my parents have suddenly become regulars at the Mexican place in town, but it's easy to become regulars when you really only have two restaurant options anyway. I had the fajitas, which were really tasty (these are the only fajitas I've had with bacon in them, but there's no going back now that I know this is a possibility). I also tried a margarita, and while it was good, it wasn't a margarita - I think it was more like a tequila sunrise, since it tasted like it was mostly orange juice and was served with an orange slice instead of a lime. Either they misunderstood my order, or they are unable to get limes consistently in my hometown. However, it was sixteen ounces, which is enough to make you tipsy whether it's a margarita or a tequila sunrise or basically any other cocktail, so #noregrets.

The combination of margarita/tequila sunrise, sadness, and residual exhaustion meant that I went to bed fairly early on Friday and slept until ten a.m. yesterday, which I really needed. That put me behind for the day, though - I wanted to go up to see Drewbaby and Aunt Kathy again, and since it's a two hour drive each way, that didn't give me a lot of time. But I ate some breakfast, showered, and headed north - the drive was a lot more pleasant than it was on Thursday, since there was neither snow nor wind. The most dangerous part of the drive was when I turned into the driveway at home after 200mi of driving and nearly slid into a pole because I wasn't paying attention (I was too busy trying to figure out what animal had crawled under the drainage tube in the north driveway - I'm guessing we have a skunk).

sssanyway. I'm glad I saw Andrew and Aunt Kathy again before I left, and they may have been glad to see me too since I helped to reset Uncle Mark's Gmail password (note: I do not have special access to do this - it was possible because he had linked his phone number and a backup email address to his Gmail account. If you have not done this, you should, or else your relatives will never be able to get into your email! Unless you're using your email solely for porn, in which case, carry on.). Hopefully I'll see them again at Easter, but we'll see what the spring brings.

I walked in the door at home last night just in time to eat supper - my mom made beef stroganoff, which was yummy. I then spent most of the evening at the kitchen counter, laboriously removing the gel polish from my fingernails and giving myself a diy manicure while talking to my dad, who continues to have more crazy stories than anyone I've ever met.

This morning, though, I had to pack up and get ready to depart. I woke up early enough to enjoy a leisurely morning, drinking tea and then eating breakfast casserole (this recipe was a winner; hopefully my mom remembers that this one was a winner, since she seems to make a different casserole every time by accident). Then I had to shower, throw all my stuff in a suitcase, make some tea for the road, and say goodbye to my parents. [censored] took me to the airport on his way to [censored], and so we had ninety minutes to discuss [censored], which was a nice way to end my stay in Iowa.

I got to the airport in time to have a salad and a glass of wine while doing some work, and then I answered work email all the way to Denver. My trip was about as smooth as it could be, and I made it to Boulder by 6:30, where I bought coffee and cream and a frozen pizza at Whole Foods, then came home and took care of some stuff around the house. I wasn't particularly industrious, and I didn't do laundry as I had intended, but I did carefully unpack the rose that I took from my uncle's casket spray and cover it in silica in an attempt to preserve it (we'll see if it works). And I got my stuff mostly ready to go to the office tomorrow, so hopefully I survive my first day back in two weeks.

And now it's time for bed - goodnight!

some people got the real problems

Today was hard. I barely slept last night, and I blame the hotel for being too hot, the pillows for being ergonomically unfriendly, my cold for limiting my breathing, and my dreams/anxiety/sadness for conspiring against me. [censored] didn't sleep well either, so it wasn't just me. But I dragged myself out of bed around 6:45, and we were both ready and out the door (with a bit of hotel breakfast) around 8:20. We stopped at a convenience store to get me some cough drops just in case I had an episode in church, and then we went to the funeral.

It was really hard seeing Mark for the last time, and perhaps harder watching my dad and Aunt Becky seeing their brother for the last time, and Kathy seeing her husband for the last time, and Andrew seeing his dad for the last time. The family all got there early to have a few moments alone with his body before the service began, and then we congregated in a back room as people came into the church. The attendance was lower than it likely would have been because the weather was terrible - it snowed on top of the ice overnight, and the winds picked up to create whiteouts, and so travel was generally treacherous. So, the Kansas City cousins (my grandma's first cousins) didn't come up, and I'm sure they weren't the only ones who made the right call and played it safe.

But the service was really nice, all in all, although I obviously would have preferred not to have had to do it. The reading started off pretty bizarre - it was Matthew 25:14-30, the Parable of the Talents, which basically tells the story of three slaves whose master entrusts them with varying amounts of money; the two with the most money invest and double it, while the third buries it to keep it safe. The master rewards the first two and casts out the third with much wailing and gnashing of teeth (on the part of the slave, not the master, of course). I've never heard it read at a funeral, and at the end of it I was definitely having a 'wtf was that' moment (in my head, of course).

Then the pastor said that somewhere, Mark was probably laughing at the fact that the pastor had to figure out how to preach on this parable at a funeral (they chose it because it was marked in every Bible that Mark had), and that made it better. And the sermon was actually pretty good, especially as it wove in various aspects of Mark's life. Chuck Offenburger gave a beautiful eulogy (he's the columnist who wrote the blog entry earlier in the week), and Aunt Becky talked about her travels with Mark, and then Andrew (you know him as Drewbaby) talked about the things his dad had prioritized upon retirement with just the right mix of humor and honor, and it was all lovely and heartbreaking (and [censored] and I later agreed that we probably wouldn't be able to hold it together for a eulogy for our parents the way Drewbaby did for his dad).

The upshot of every story, every speech, every snapshot over the last six days is that Mark lived a really good life, and touched more people in more ways than most people ever knew. And as horrible as it is right now, and as horrible as it will continue to be, there's some comfort in knowing that he invested his life so well.

After the funeral, the family went to the gravesite - which was blessedly brief, since the snow was scouring the site and it was too cold to be outside for more than a few minutes. And then the funeral was over, and this chapter is closed.

There was lunch at the church after, and then my parents and Aunt B / Uncle B went home, while [censored] and I went to Kathy and Drewbaby's house. We hung out with them and with Drew's other cousin (his only cousin on his mom's side) for a couple of hours, and it was nice to have some quiet time with them. Then, [censored] and I left in separate cars, and I survived the two-hour drive south through all the blowing snow (which luckily cleared up south of Des Moines, although the wind was still annoying).

I spent the rest of the night eating takeout pizza (Casey's now has gluten free pizza crust, which is a wondrous development), watching some tv, talking to [censored] about [censored] (his favorite topic), and sending a couple of quick work emails to confirm/cancel a couple of meetings for tomorrow - I am only planning to take a couple of hours of meetings, but I want to dip back into work a little bit just to keep from being frightfully behind next week. And now it's time to go to bed and hopefully get more sleep than I did last night. Goodnight!

hey [censored], there's an endless road to rediscover

I'm in a hotel room in Ankeny with [censored], where we have just carefully negotiated our wakeup time to ensure that we can both get ready and get out of the hotel in time for the funeral tomorrow. Today went about as well as it could have, under the circumstances - when the circumstances include death and freezing rain, it's just not going to be totally pleasant no matter what you do.

I woke up after approximately seven hours of sleep, sent a couple of emails, showered, made some tea, and threw stuff in my car for the voyage north. I drove up separate from my parents because I wanted some alone time with my music and my thoughts, but this was perhaps a mistake - I hit freezing rain, then sleet, then more freezing rain and snow, and discovered in the middle of this that my windshield fluid was either empty or frozen, which made things mildly treacherous.

But I got to Aunt Kathy's house around 1:30, which was pretty good time considering that I stopped to run a couple of errands. [censored] was already there, and I hadn't seen him yet on this trip, so we reunited and discussed how we're in the same circle of grief (long story, maybe I'll tell you later). We eventually went into the church, where we spent four hours - visitation was three hours long and there was a steady stream of people the whole time. There were moments of levity, moments of total grief, and moments of everything in between.

After, Drewbaby and Kathy went home, but my parents, [censored], Aunt B and Uncle B, and I had a late supper at Jethro's, where I fed my grief a whole bunch of nachos. And now it's time for bed - goodnight!

bittersweet symphony

I was feeling fairly emotional today, but I was able to bury some of it in work - I took a few hours of meetings from my Iowa bedroom, and I also did some work for the past 2-3 hours. This was mostly putting some finishing touches on a presentation that had felt really important two weeks ago, and now doesn't feel important at all - my team pulled it all together without me and will have to give it without me as well. But they'll be fine, and this week is one of those periodic stab-you-in-the-heart reminders that there are more important things in life than slideshows.

But, work was a good way to avoid crying, so I guess I'll take it. Whatever time I spent away from my desk with spent in the company of my parents - mostly talking to them, and also nursing a few glasses of Vitamin C since I seem to be coming down with a cold (or reincarnating the sinus infection I had a couple of weeks ago). And now I should sleep, since I have to drive to Des Moines in the morning before we get any freezing rain as expected tomorrow afternoon.

Finally, if you want to know more about my uncle, you can read the post a famous Iowa columnist wrote about him here. He closed with, "I always thought that Mark Wampler was smart enough, experienced and connected enough, to be governor, or a member of congress, or a leader in the legislature. But the truth is, what he was, was plenty good enough.  He touched and inspired thousands of people who, like me, will be telling Mark Wampler stories for the rest of our lives."

I couldn't say it better myself.

forever may not be long enough

I'm back in ye olde Iowa, a little more than a month since I last left it. I looked at my calendar today and realized that I have only spent seven business days in the Boulder office in the last six weeks - it's amazing that I'm still employed. Granted, that covered Christmas, a nearly two-week trip to California (in which I went into the MTV/SF offices every day), a massive sinus infection, and last week's vacation...but still. By the time I get back to work it will be seven days in seven weeks, which has to be some kind of record.

sssanyway, I'm avoiding my emotions by typing that. I woke up this morning and it was a mad scramble to get out the door, but I think I have appropriate clothing for the week ahead (mourning, with enough coat/hat/glove/mitten investment to get me through the next polar vortex). I made it to the airport, returned my car to the same parking lot from whence I'd picked it up last night, checked a bag, made it through security, scarfed down a burrito bowl, grabbed some coffee, and made it to my gate (at the very farthest reached of the terminal) just in time to find out that my flight was delayed by 30mins. That 30mins could have enabled me to have a margarita, but since the gate was in the farthest reaches (literally going off the end of the terminal rather than being perpendicular to the terminal like all the other gates), there was no time for margaritas. Sigh.

But the flight was otherwise fine, despite being on a tiny tiny plane (we boarded outside via walking up a ramp, and I had a window/aisle seat and had to be careful not to hit my head standing up, which should tell you something). My parents picked me up in Des Moines, and then we drove to Altoona, where my dad schmoozed with some people for a few minutes before we met up with Aunt Kathy, Drewbaby, Aunt Becky, and Uncle Brian (who now goes by 'Brian') at The Big Steer. We walked in right at five, and the place was packed shortly thereafter - understandably so, since my ribeye was the best steak I've had in forever (even better than the steak I had in Oceanside, which I thought was outstanding...and this one was half the price, which is still $10 higher than what my parents pay in our town, so as usual the economics of my life is confusing).

Of course, it was a somewhat melancholy meal; the only other time I've eaten there, Uncle Mark was there too, and he was never far from any of our thoughts. I'll be up around Des Moines quite a bit this week, but tonight my parents and I came home, where we (or at least Mom) watched the Iowa State basketball game. And now, about two hours after I'd planned to, I need to go to sleep - I'm going to do some day job stuff tomorrow so that I'm not completely AWOL, so sleep would be a good idea. Goodnight!

there'll be peace when you are done

I'm back in Colorado, although my flight to Iowa leaves in about thirteen hours, so this is not a luxurious return. But today went as smoothly as I could have hoped for. I slept, woke up, showered, packed, ate some eggs and toast while looking at the ocean, and then spent a last few hours writing + talking to my writer people. If you discount the sad, shitty end to it, it was a really great week - I feel reconnected to the writing in a way that I haven't for a really long time, and excited about the projects that I worked on this week (although I added more than I narrowed down, so not sure that I totally hit my goal there, but c'est la vie). I also had a great time hanging out with my friends, so hopefully we can do another retreat later in the year.

Anne and I left around three - there are still five people left in Oceanside, but our numbers dwindled over the last couple of days since V left on Friday and Deb left yesterday. I was supposed to stay until tomorrow, but that didn't happen, obviously. Luckily, Anne was flying out about the same time as me, so we went to the airport together. I dropped her off, then dropped the car off, then got to the airport in time to eat a burger and call my parents before boarding.

The flight was on time; we landed early; I was out of the airport and in my car in twenty minutes, which feels unheard of in Denver. When I got home, I spent a few minutes sending my regrets to people at work for all the work I will miss this week, and now I need to sleep so I can get up and throw some fresh clothes in a suitcase before heading back to the airport. Goodnight!

the worst things in life come free to us

I don't really have any words right now; life turns instantly, and I was reminded of that yesterday morning when my phone rang. It was my dad, and his voice sounded a million years old, and he told me that Uncle Mark was gone.

So what do you say after that?

I suppose you say that one of my earliest memories was of him - he took me for a train ride one day while my mom was in the hospital having [censored]. Random images are flashing through my head - his distinctive, spiky handwriting. His hat. The way he still gave money to local causes in my hometown even though he'd left it forty years earlier. The Schwinn bike [censored] unearthed over Christmas and sent back to him as a joke. Playing games with him - from watching him play with my parents when I was too young to understand, all the way up through many Christmases of Rail Baron and Scotland Yard and Encore and Balderdash and canasta and Cards Against Humanity. The week he and Aunt Kathy and Drewbaby came to SF, and we almost froze to death on a boat on the Fourth of July. Lazy weeks on a ranch in Texas, talking about the people who came before us. Attempting to watch a solar eclipse in the graveyard where my great-grandparents are buried. All the coins and two-dollar bills, the books and newspaper clippings and the endless records of ancestors and descendents.

He often called me Sara Jane. The number of people who call me that has gone down by one, and it's a loss that can't be replaced.

//

Needless to say, yesterday was consumed by that. But it's weird to be consumed by grief in the midst of a group trip - to let the knowledge bury itself for a few minutes or hours, until it comes back to life and knocks you over.

So I'm flying back to Colorado tomorrow instead of Monday, and flying to Iowa on Monday. I couldn't go straight home since I didn't have a winter coat or anything appropriate for a funeral, so I'll be in Colorado for approximately fourteen hours to unpack, repack, and sleep. And then I'll be with my family, and able, for better or for worse, to focus on the grief and the healing.

//

Meanwhile, if you ignore that, which my mind tried its best to do, I had some nice moments here. It was storming viciously today, to the point that the house was shaking and the ceiling was leaking and water was coming in around the french doors on all levels that face the sea. But that made it ideal for staying in and writing - other than two quick walks to grab coffee yesterday and today, a farewell walk with Veronica yesterday (she left for Vegas), and a quick drive with Anne to pick up some takeout tonight, I haven't left the house.

As I said, yesterday was a wash writing-wise, but today I did manage a couple of hours of Regency stuff, and I'm happy enough with my progress. I obviously am giving myself a pass on yesterday, and I'm leaving a day earlier than planned, but taking those things into account, I met my goals this week - and that's a good feeling after so many months of being blocked.

But now I should sleep - if I get up in decent time tomorrow, I can pack and grab some coffee and still do some writing before heading to the airport. Goodnight!

dust in the wind

No blog tonight, too tired. Goodnight!

you stole my star

I had a super productive today, which means I probably tapped too deep into the vein and am going to pay for it tomorrow. I also didn't get enough sleep last night and am on track to go to bed at 1:30am again, which was probably a mistake. But I felt great about the day - I wrote for five full hours (unusual for me), made some good progress, and also still had time for a hurried walk to the corner store to buy soda before a storm came in.

I did stop sometime after five, though; we had reservations at 333 Pacific, which is a steakhouse in Oceanside. My food was super yummy (I was in need of a steak), and it was a fun outing - V is leaving tomorrow, so we were celebrating having all of us together while we can. Then we came home and hung out in the living room for the past four hours being completely ridiculous, which I adore. And now it's time to sleep - goodnight!