they say these waters aren't what they used to be, but i've got people back on land who count on me

Sunday Scaries were out in full force today, but I managed to salvage some decent times in spite of them. I spent the morning doing a bunch of office stuff (for my writing life, not for my day job life), and then I had a chat with Veronica (we usually try to write together, but today we mostly caught up on life). Then I was supposed to have another friend zoom call, but I was feeling zoomed out from the week + desperately in need of doing tings around the house, so I bailed.

That gave me ample time to take care of some tings - mostly related to painting swatches of paint all over my bedroom and bathroom, since I have painters coming Wednesday to turn my dark, cavelike, not-at-all-my-color bedroom into something that will make me happier (or at least more able to wake up in the morning). I also talked to [censored], since we were overdue for a catchup. And I talked to my parents, of course - it's our usual Sunday call, but I managed to call slightly earlier today (albeit still probably later than it would be wise to, since it usually cuts into dinner time).

However, I wasn't particularly hungry when I got off the phone since I'd had a weirdly late lunch, so I rode my Peloton instead. So far I'm very happy that I bought it - I am actually enjoying it, which is a shocker. Then I took a shower (seven p.m. showers are usually not my thing, but they are when I just exercised), and then I finally heated up some of yesterday's leftover fish chowder. It was much better today - the flavors had melded together, and it was quite tasty. I have way more fish than I will be able to eat before it goes bad, but at least I know what I'm having for lunch tomorrow.

Then I journaled, did some laundry, did some writing stuff, etc. And now I should sleep so I can get some work done tomorrow - goodnight!

hypnotized by you if i should linger

Today was...not good, if I'm being honest (which I sometimes am). I need to finish my book, but I'm scared of it, and daunted by how much I have left to do, and so I sank into fear spirals this morning/early afternoon. This was disconcerting and unfortunate, since I hadn't sunk so deep into fear spirals in awhile, and I had planned to be highly productive today (but of course the pressure of being highly productive is probably what caused the fear spiral to being with).

sssanyway. It also didn't help that it's gloomy and rainy and windy, which made leaving the house unappealing. But I finally ventured over to Jane on Larkin, which is only two blocks away (a survivable distance, as long as I don't get stabbed), and I wrote for a couple of hours while drinking a latte, so that helped.

But then I came home and ordered thai food, and felt the fear start again while I waited for my delivery. After I ate, I crawled into bed with my laptop and was on the verge of starting to write again when I realized that the skylight above my bed was leaking. It's not a major leak, and it may have just been some odd condensation from all the rain we've been having. But if I had been lying down instead of sitting up, it would have fallen right on my face. Ugh.

Luckily, I was sitting up, and I was home to catch it, so it did no damage to my bed. And it seems to be v. minor - I stuffed some paper towels around it and it hasn't soaked through in the last three hours, so hopefully it's contained (and it's not supposed to rain much more tonight, so I can deal with it in the morning). Unfortunately, that means I have to sleep on the other side of the bed tonight, but I think I'll survive.

So after I dealt with that, I was not in a better mood (shocker). So I poured a glass of wine, sat on the couch, and eked out another hour of writing. Then I sent an email to Chandlord about the leak, and then I texted with her about it, and then I considered running away to wine country but decided against it.

But now I need to sleep - hopefully today's fear spirals were a minor blip caused by dehydration/odd sleep patterns (both of which I had for the past couple of days) and I can get back on track with the productivity tomorrow. Goodnight!

i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

My journal is probably the better place for recapping today than the blog is, but for public posterity....some of today sucked, but most of today was awesome. Not that the day *actually* sucked - like I said yesterday, from an outside perspective watching it unfold, it looked superficially similar to yesterday. But I had some moments of doubt this morning that bled into my mood, and it was probably all compounded by the annoying fact that my water was shut off for most of the day, which meant I had to vacate when I really didn't want to leave the house.

But I eventually went to Goody and worked for a couple of hours, so that was good. And I took a long walk along the water, which was even better. Then I came home, took a nap, contemplated my fear spirals, contemplated the story, and finally (when the water was on) took a shower and got ready for the (much, much) better part of my day....

And the better part of my day was fucking awesome. I met up with Jess for an early dinner at Mangosteen, which was super tasty, super cheap, and super close to my house (if you don't mind walking through some rather wretched blocks of the Tenderloin). We had many things to catch up on, since I hadn't seen her since my birthday, but we compressed as many topics as possible into a very short dinner, so that was successful.

Then we caught a lyft to the main event: we saw Sara Bareilles at the JCCSF. It was a combo speaking/singing engagement - she's promoting her first book (a memoir, out this week), and so the first portion was an interview/conversation with her about the memoir, and the subjects that it touches on (mainly her artistic/songwriting process). This was super fascinating and inspiring to me, since songwriting and book writing aren't so very different. Then, she performed a few songs, and her voice in that space was absolutely incredible.

So, that was totally fantastic - if you ever get the chance to see her live, definitely do it. She was really funny and insightful as a speaker, too. I'm glad Jess and I went, and I need to find other opportunities to hear other artists (especially non-book-writers) speak, since I always learn something or am triggered to think about things from a new angle.

Now I'm going to go to bed and dream about songs and stories - goodnight!

i wanna get better

I'm still blocked on Rafe and Octavia, to some extent, but that's becoming an incredibly depressing topic of conversation. And by 'incredibly depressing' I mean that I'm starting to get angry at myself for not being better at compartmentalizing my personal life so that I can write more effectively.

You may point out that getting angry about this isn't helpful; you'd be correct. However, on some level I simply haven't dealt with all the inherent/residual stress involved from having blown up my whole life over the past three months and switched apartments / quit jobs / said goodbye to coworkers whom I'd thought I would stay in touch with more regularly / committed to a creative life that involves a lot of solitude and not a lot of reassurance.

And unfortunately I haven't found a great way to write effectively while my monkey mind is so easily distracted. But writing in the morning seems to help, so I'm going to prioritize that. And there have been a lot of great things in the past couple of months - I've had more time for my friends, and for going to the gym, and I've been eating better and drinking less (I know, I'm shocked too), and I've been slowly connecting with other writers and starting to do things for my writing business that I've been meaning to do forever.

So really, it's all good. I just want to focus this week so that I can get into a groove before I leave for NYC, since I have high hopes of writing while I'm there as well. But it's time to turn those hopes into a reality, even if the slog is hard; the end result will be worth it.

sssanyway, today wasn't all doom and gloom despite the past few paragraphs. I got up early and did some work at Cafe du Soleil before meeting Jess and John there for breakfast (don't call it brunch!). As I mentioned on Thursday, I missed Jess's musical salon night because I got sucked into the seedy underworld of whisky and tattoos, so I felt it was imperative to catch up as soon as possible after that debacle. So we discussed our respective lives over mimosas (still, don't call it brunch), and I had the totally scrumptious spanish-style tortilla (basically egg and potato, which are two of my favorite things). And it was good to see them before I go to NYC and they move to Berkeley and our friendship dies a sudden death as the Bay Bridge comes between us.

After that, I came back to my neighborhood and went to Another Cafe, where I worked for a couple of hours on Octavia's character/style/mannerisms, since I feel like she's not quite coming together for me. I also said hi to Hugo, who was working there as per usual. But I didn't stay for all that long; I had a hangout date with Terry so that we could coordinate on my upcoming trip (yay!). And then I cleaned the kitchen, threw out an impressive display of mold formerly known as my compost, and called my parents. They have baby peacocks now, because of course they do.

At that point I contemplated walking down to the Marina and eating steak/drinking wine at Aix, but luckily I checked their website and discovered they're closed on Sundays. So I instead took the half-assed approach and bought sushi at Whole Foods, and then decided to drink water instead of opening the champagne I considered opening. I have to train with Alyssa at 8am tomorrow, so sobriety seemed like the better part of valor. And then I spent the rest of the night answering some emails, taking care of business, writing in my journal, and planning my to-dos for the week or two ahead.

And now, I'm going to breathe in, breathe out (green to red, machinehead), and remember that I went through all of this the last time I quit my job, and I seem to be getting closer to the end of the tunnel much faster than I did last time, so this is all good. If nothing else, the fear spirals this weekend were better than last weekend, or the weekend before that, which seems to indicate progress - and I don't have time for fear spirals this week, since I have lots to do before going to NYC (where all fear will die naturally while I'm having fun/being inspired, or it will be killed by the Rat King in the subways, either way). And on that note, I shall also stop being dramatic and go to bed. Goodnight!

your trojan's in my head

Today was kind of a mess, if I'm being honest. Not for any good reason, really...but I'm feeling like I'm not being productive enough, and when I get into one of those fear spirals, it's easy to let it carry me all the way to the bottom rather than finding an off-ramp. But at least I know a fear spiral when I see one now...so I have some hope that I've eventually deal with them more quickly, if not evade them entirely (a noble, likely futile goal).

But it wasn't all fear and stress and despair...I woke up moderately early and met Kathia at 9:30, so I got in a couple of hours of legit brainstorming this morning. I'm coming close to a solid plot, I think, and I am planning to press hard this week to see where I can take it. After we parted ways, I said hi to Hugo (who was working, unbeknownst to me, in the same cafe downstairs), laughed at his general life plight because I have no bedside manner, and then left him to his studying so that I could buy groceries and make a belated breakfast/lunch. Then I spent the early afternoon doing laundry/napping/panicking. And then I called my parents, who were in fine form (albeit still, somehow, sick), which made me feel better because at least someone will still love me even if my books all suck henceforth and I have to get a job as a janitor at a Starbucks because I never even learned how to pull a shot of espresso properly. Sigh.

sssanyway, I was going to mope some more after I got off the phone with them, but since I now recognize a fear spiral, I instead put on some real clothes, walked to the Marina, and had an extended dinner at Mezes. I picked the right night to do it, since they were v. v. slow, so I got to catch up with the bartender in a v. leisurely way. I also enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine and some delish chicken skewers while plotting and scheming in my notebook...I wanted to plot out the week ahead, and I accomplished it well enough. Eventually, I said goodbye, came home, and finished a book I'd started awhile ago ('Prudence', a steampunk novel that's a spinoff from a series I'd previously loved - my jury is out on whether I love this series yet, but it was a good enough read).

And so, happily, I feel better than I did this afternoon, and I'm eager to tackle this week with all the ruthlessness I used to use against my day job. Or something. Goodnight!