i want you by my side

I'm hitting my introvert wall, but today was great - and I think I can keep pushing through the next few days of social whirl if I go to bed as soon as I finish writing this. I think I've stayed up until at least one a.m. every night since I got back from Iowa, and this was the first night that I didn't drink anything, so hopefully I'll feel more refreshed tomorrow.

But you don't care about tomorrow - you are here for today's recap (okay, maybe you're here because you're bored).

I dragged myself out of bed this morning and drove over to the dirty east bay - I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you that I've been considering moving to Berkeley. Yes, this is a total jhoke on my face, since I've hated on Berkeley for the last fifteen years. But in December, when I was mostly extremely blocked and angry and unable to write, I was thinking that maybe moving would help (although then I was thinking I would put my stuff in storage and go totally nomad). And then, later in December, when I'd gotten some quiet solace in Iowa, I was thinking that maybe I still wanted to live in the bay area, but that I wanted to live somewhere with more space and more peaceful surroundings.

And so today, I went over to Berkeley to spend some time wandering around the Berkeley Hills - I was looking at both the hills and at North Berkeley, and decided to check out the hills first. This was a good thing; as soon as I saw the hills, I realized I wanted no part in living in them. The area is super peaceful and gorgeous, and there are some awesome walking paths that cut through the hills so you don't have to drive or walk on sidewalks. But the hills are really steep, and it seems highly unlikely that I would ever walk down (or, more likely, back up) them to go to a coffee shop or something. Also, the steepness gives me some serious concerns about landslides, especially since they're right on top of the Hayward fault, which could go off at any moment.

Anyway, I wandered around the hills and the Solano shopping/restaurant strip, and I had lunch, and I bought a book at a bookstore, and it was a nice morning (even if it proved that I don't ever want to go there again). Then I rendezvoused with John and Jess for a v. brief conversation, which was delightful.

But after that, I'm going to put moving thoughts on hiatus for a little bit - I really, really am feeling like writing again, for the first time in forever, and I should strike while that iron is hot rather than obsessing over whether I want to move and where. And I actually like my apartment - it's the crackheads that are a problem, and if I'm holing up and writing and ordering food in to support myself, the crackheads are less of a problem (until I become one).

sssanyway again. I came home in time to have my usual Sunday afternoon call with my parents, who were in fine form. Then I did some stuff around the house, and then I picked up Chandlord, and then we went to the Sunset to have family dinner at Enjoy Vegetarian. There was a pretty long line for the first time in the many times I've been there, and since there were seven of us (plus a baby), we had to wait awhile. But it was worth it, I think.

It was kind of the usual suspects - Omar is in town, so he had organized it, which meant we ended up with Adit, Priyanka, Chandlord, Katrina, and Raja. This group tends to be ridiculous, and we somehow got the waitress (Rachel, whose English is somewhat imperfect) to start saying 'boom' after serving us, so that was exciting.

We also did our usual 'recap your day' conversation, although we turned it into 'weekend update' and put a time limit on it (two minutes to recap, three minutes for the audience to ask follow-up questions). It turns out it's really hard to keep from asking follow-up questions, and we were all trying desperately to remember them - but this kept the conversation from getting bogged down in a play-by-play of Raja's internet browsing as it usually does, so I think this was a good thing. Or maybe it was a bad thing, since Raja can entertain you for forty-five minutes by telling you everything he did on a day in which he didn't leave the house (as discovered at a previous family dinner).

But everyone's updates were mostly enjoyable, mostly informative, and clearly only hinting at many things going on beneath the surface, which was v. entertaining. Also, many of us had overlapped with each other at various points in the weekend, so hearing those overlap points from others was interesting. Anyway, this game probably isn't the game that most people play when having dinner with friends, but I quite enjoyed it.

Eventually, though, Adit and Priyanka had to leave to feed Vihaan (who cannot enjoy vegetarian yet, but he hung out in his carrier for the duration of dinner with minimal fussing), and the rest of us sat around for a bit longer and continued the ridiculousness before parting ways. Then I gave Chandlord a ride home, and I really really hope she hasn't given me the cold she has (which she may have given me yesterday, before she knew she was sick).

And now you know it all, and I must sleep and hope to recover from hitting the introvert wall so that I can write in the morning before attempting extroversion again. Goodnight!

you know i love the players

Today was Wampler Family Christmas (tm), which meant I spent it entirely with Wamplers (and one bland guy formerly known as the scandalous pirate boyfriend). I didn't get out of bed until some of the guests had arrived, as is my wont, but I eventually made my appearance, and the whole day was smashing. We ate a veritable smorgasbord of carnivore delights, enjoyed (or endured) the same handful of questions from my grandmother, and opened packages with a bit of an interruption from a stampede of deer. And Aunt B, as usual, made us work for our gifts, and so [censored], Drewbaby and I had to figure out a puzzle consisting of paper towels, toilet paper, and kleenexes in order to retrieve our prizes.

The rest of the day was mostly consumed by Cards Against Humanity; everyone but Brian and Gram played most of the afternoon, and when Aunt B/Brian/Gram left after supper, the rest of us started a new game and played until ten. The new game was somewhat influenced by the bottle of wine I opened and the gallon of whisky my brother drank, but we all survived it without learning more than a few horrifying things about family members' sexual preferences (sour cream, anyone?). And now I need to sleep; Uncle Mark and Aunt Kathy are at the motel in town and Drewbaby is on our couch, so I'm guessing that means I'm going to have to begrudgingly get out of bed before ten a.m. tomorrow like some sort of peasant. Ugh. I'll survive, though, particularly if I go to bed now - goodnight!

erdy flerdy borg borg borg

I finished the weekend in style, let me tell you. I went to the grocery store relatively early this morning, where I threw money at the problem of tonight's dinner by buying fancy cheeses and jams and wines so that I could hoodwink my guests into thinking I had expended some effort toward the task of entertaining them. Then I went to my favorite mani/pedi place, where I threw money at the problem of trying to look like a real girl instead of a crazed hermit troll. And then, once I looked like a real girl again, I went to the florist and threw money at the problem of trying to make my home look like a home instead of a cave where I hide from sunlight.

sssanyway, after throwing money at a lot of problems, I had a v. late lunch, threw some more money at the problem of not having plaid pants (solved!), and then came home, cleaned my room, folded some laundry, and talked to my parents. And then I prepared for the main event - family dinner to celebrate the launch of my latest book.

Family dinner was the same as always, which meant that it was a special and highly ridiculous evening full of merriment, embarrassment, and general contentment with life. We had a full house (Terry (obvi), Lauren (aka Subz), Nathan, Chandlord (aka Chandlord), John, Jess, and Adit), and the conversation was all v. entertaining (particularly when Nathan, in all seriousness, suggested that I write choose your own adventure romance novels, which left everyone else dying since Adit has been pushing this idea for over four years without Nathan realizing it). Then, to honor (or debase) my book launch, they took turns reading part of one of the sex scenes - this is almost becoming a tradition of sorts, which is v. strange and v. funny. Jess tried an Australian accent (A for Effort), John programmed his section to be read by a Stephen Hawking voice (which will live on in my nightmares forever), Adit critiqued every line as he read it (excruciatingly funny), and Nathan went Swedish Chef on it, which was just bizarre. So, while I was laughing so hard that I was crying, and I might have been crying because hearing a sex scene read out loud makes it all sound weird and uncomfortable, it was all v. funny.

Sadly, though, all things come to an end, and I must sleep so that I can go to work early tomorrow (stupid day job - after tonight, I either want to write Rafe's book immediately or crawl under a rock and hope no one ever reads my sex scenes again (but I think the right answer is Rafe - I happen to like my sex scenes, even if they don't stand up to the Stephen Hawking test)). Goodnight!

too many shadows, whispering voices, faces on posters, too many choices

Apologies for not blogging last night; usually I blog no matter how much alcohol I've consumed, but by the time I got home (sometime after two a.m.), I was a total wreck. We celebrated Terry's birthday yesterday (happy birthday, Terry!), which meant I capped off a week of sin and iniquity with one last rollercoaster binge before I got back to my regularly scheduled days of working nonstop. In fact, today was supposed to be one of those days, but since I was too wrecked to do anything, I had to settle for sitting on the couch and staring at the television (lame).

Yesterday started off tame; I got up at 7:30 (shocking), puttered around the house, and then did a bit of work before showering - I cleaned my room, printed out a clean copy of Alex and Prudence's story so I can read it and start editing, and did some financial tings. Then I showered, put on a dress, and accompanied Terry to a festive birthday brunch at the fancy French bistro where I sometimes write. Chandlord and Katrina met us there, and it turns out the breakfast food there is fantastic - I'd never had brunch there, but my omelette forestiere was fantastic. I usually don't like omelettes because they can be dry, but these eggs were perfectly cooked, and the bacon/mushrooms/onions on top were also excellent. We split a bottle of champagne with orange juice for mimosas, and generally had a v. lovely time catching up. Unfortunately, I made a mistake adding up my meal + gratuity and was off by a dollar, which wasn't a big deal obvi, but it kind of became a big deal because Chandlord called me on it and then it became clear that I am known for an almost robotic tendency to always be correct about stuff. So that was both hilarious and vaguely terrifying. But if that was my one mistake for the year, I'll take it.

After brunch, we walked Chandlord to Van Ness so she could meet up with Tom Foolery, and then Terry and I came home to recuperate. She watched football and took a nap, but I slogged on with my financial stuff (I'm trying to get Sara Ramsey's house in order - it may be time to set up a business, but I've been avoiding it thus far and am debating how long I can continue without incorporating her). At six, though, I threw in the towel, and Terry and I had a drink at a wine bar on Fillmore, which was an excellent spot. Then we met up with Lauren (aka Subz) for what was supposed to be a v. quiet and sedate birthday dinner.

And it started quiet and sedate; we ordered a bottle of wine and a couple of appetizers (the plantains were to die for), and continued to imbibe over dinner (which, for me, was also to die for - I had a churrasco steak that was out of this world good, grilled perfectly and served with plantains and a fried egg on top, which was shockingly good). Then we ordered another bottle of wine. Why, when there were only three of us, I'm not quite sure, but it seemed like a great idea at the time. And since I think we all expected we'd call it a night shortly after that, it would have been entirely reasonable to drink that much with dinner.

But then as we were leaving, we walked by a fortune teller's sign, and Lauren and I decided to make Terry get her fortune read. So we went up and bought her a palm reading, which we got to sit and observe, which was quite hysterical. The fortune teller told her to avoid Irishmen (because they are awful) and to look for an Italian or Persian guy, or possibly an Armenian or a Spaniard. And then she told Terry that she should go to the W Hotel bar to meet someone (this is relevant later).

So we dragged Terry down the street to another bar, where I had 2.5 cocktails (I believe Lauren did too, but Terry was v. cleverly avoiding her drinks, which is where my .5 cocktail came from) and interacted briefly with some very douchey guys. Then we decided that the W bar was in Terry's destiny, so we cabbed over there and had another drink or two there while chatting to some dudes who were v. entertaining (but also married, so tanks for nothing, fortune teller!). It should be clear to you by now that I was approximately ten drinks in at this point, which explains why I was such a mess today. We finally left there, came home, I somehow miraculously made it into bed, and I slept the sleep of the intoxicated (made slightly less lovely because I forgot to tell my fitness bracelet that I was going to sleep, so it buzzed me every 45 minutes to tell me to get up and walk around).

This morning, needless to say, was a nightmare, and I felt extremely ill (although I wasn't actually sick). Terry ordered me a pizza since I was too hungover to even contemplate walking down the street for my usual huevos rancheros hangover cure, and I sat on the couch and watched football, which is a sign of how messy I was. Then I eventually showered, took care of a couple of minor things, talked to my parents, talked to Terry's brothers (who came over), watched some "Drunk History" with them (I would be a fabulous narrator for that show), and then talked to [censored]. And now, I must sleep; I have to work tomorrow, which should not surprise you, but I also want to get out early so that I can hole up in a coffeeshop and read Alex and Prudence. Goodnight!

a new dawn, a new day, a new life

I'm going to write a rare morning post because I just checked last night's post and it was incomprehensible to the point of concern. I wasn't actually that drunk...I was just exhausted (I hadn't stayed up until 2:30 in a long time, and I'm still a little bit on midwestern time, so it definitely felt like 3:30 or 4:30), and I remember falling asleep over my keyboard and having trouble remembering the words that I wanted to use. So, suffice it to say I had a good time, but I was merely in the same state of mind that I was during that memorable Stanford finals period where I tried to argue in a paper that Russian intellectuals like to eat at Senor Taco - I was not at the point where someone had roofied me. And, like that paper, I've awoken with a clear head and can rectify my mistakes in time.

sssanyway. Yesterday was totally lovely; I took the day off (shocker) in the interest of seeing friends and having some semblance of a life. Priyanka's birthday was last week, so Adit invited a bunch of people over for what was supposed to be a lunch party. It should surprise none of you that a lunch party turned into an all day/all night extravaganza of fun. I went over a little after noon and spent close to three hours hanging out in their house and backyard, catching up with them, John and Jess, and some other randoms (who are probably not randoms to Adit and Priyanka, but they were to me and I intend to keep them that way because I'm a curmudgeon who has no time for new friends). I also, quite shockingly, saw one of my first managers from my first go-round at the day job oh-so-many years ago; his younger sister is also friends with Adit/Priyanka, and they apparently hang out with Bill sometimes as well. I did not know this. I also didn't know he was still alive (hence my shock); the last I had heard, he'd been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer a year and a half ago, and since neither I nor any of my friends at work had heard any further updates, I kind of assumed that the statistical odds of living with stage four lung cancer (very low) had claimed him. But he looked good and seemed to be in good spirits despite having had chemo every three weeks for the past sixteen months. Crazy.

I left the party around three to come home for another crazy development...some researcher at USC wanted to interview me about this blog for research he's doing, and he had a film crew with him who are filming a documentary on people who blog frequently about their personal lives. I knew I was a dying breed in this respect, since I have no friends who still blog and most blogs are now career-focused (i.e. fashion or food blogs where the person is hoping to build an audience/get ad revenue). But apparently I'm such a dying breed that my blog may be of interest to 'science' and there are potentially other researchers out there who have/will scrape it because I've got what must be approaching a million words of free content about daily life. Odd.

But the people were v. nice; the researcher asked me some questions, and then the documentary guy asked me some questions, and two other guys filmed it all. And I suppose my key takeaway is that I don't care that this is public, since I came to terms years ago about what I share here (my daily life in all its minutiae) and what I don't (some personal subjects, emotional reactions to or criticisms about friends, family, coworkers, other writers, etc.). And I will probably only stop if Sara Ramsey gets so famous that this becomes a liability, but even then I might just keep going and be more circumspect.

For what it's worth, the researcher also said that I was very good (better than most of the other subjects) at keeping my identity secret - which surprised me, since I wasn't trying that hard, and also since my blog is one of the first search results for my actual name. But I suppose that's by design - if you know who I am, I'm very easy to find, but if you find the blog first, it's harder to identify my full name. Similarly, you can get to Sara Ramsey easily from here, but it takes more digging to get here if you start with my writing name. And I think that's probably a good thing.

After the researcher left, I ate some leftover Thai and considered writing for the rest of the night...but my hair and makeup were better than usual, and I succumbed to the lure of going back to Adit and Priyanka's. I had a most excellent time at the second part of the party; Katrina was there, and Chandlord eventually came back (for the third time, although the first two were during my initial absence), and I built a friendship with Jesse (aka Jasvinder) and Maya - Jesse was in SLE with me, although I'd forgotten that since I wasn't a model pupil and we lived in different dorms. I may have drunkenly promised him that he could be my maid of honor someday, so that's something. I also drank a lot of bourbon (which I don't like) and red wine (which I know I shouldn't drink heavily because it gives me headaches), plus a tequila shot, and this is a recipe for the kind of post I wrote last night.

We did karaoke for hours, but Chandlord/Jesse/Maya/I plotted our escape a little after midnight and went to Sparky's, where I had a v. restorative two-egg breakfast with bacon and hash browns and coffee (which did nothing to help me stay awake to blog last night). Then, Chandlord and I shared a taxi home, I was sober enough to wash my face and brush my teeth before writing that disaster of a blog post, and then I fell immediately into a deep, deep slumber.

Now you're caught up, my head doesn't really hurt (thank you, poisonous Diet Mountain Dew), and it's time for me to get cracking. Good day!

said i wouldn't call but i lost all control and i need you now

I just engaged in my every-three-months cleanup of my email inboxes - I realize that every three months is probably too long to go between cleanups, but my lack of a schedule or a routine means that emails that I thought I received a few days ago turn out to have been sent two months ago, which is usually pretty embarrassing. In the corporate world, if someone sends you something and they need a response, they'll just send it again - but in the private world, if someone sends you an email and you ignore it, they don't respond and just think you're being an asshole. So, for those of you whom I've been an asshole to (that's probably all of you), I'm sorry.

Anyway, the aesthetic appeal of three empty email boxes (my personal email, my professional email, and my fan email) should be enough to keep me answering my email regularly, but I'm sure I'll slip again in the future. Still, I'm glad I crossed that task off my list. The rest of the day was a wash; I woke up at noon (after apparently sleeping through a fire alarm chirping outside my room that woke up everyone else in the house at three a.m. - I guess I was tired), messed around on the interwebs, showered, and then read through all my notes on the non-gargoyle young adult project. I'm feeling very itchy and in need of some writing time, but I'm torn between playing with the gargoyles for awhile and banging out the Madeleine/Ferguson novella that I wanted to write over the holidays. Decisions, decisions. I also ate supper with the fam (roast chicken, yum) and watched just a bit of fine CBS programming before answering all my emails, so all in all it was a lovely day.

Finally, though, I'm sad to report that our blizzard wasn't a true blizzard; while [censored] had trouble getting to [censored], we didn't get enough snow to cover all the tall grass - we just got enough to blow around wildly with the gusting winds, which still caused problems. We were luckier than Des Moines, though; I guess my uncle and Drewbaby were snowed in without power at their house in the rural area north of Des Moines, and my aunt, who had stayed in Des Moines for the night so she could make it to work, was instead stranded because the place she stayed lost power and she couldn't get her car out of the garage. Oops. So while I may wish I had seen more snow, I don't actually wish for that at all. And now, I should sleep; tomorrow I must wrap many presents and cook many things in preparation for the weekend. Goodnight!

you know i could stay here all night

I was going to go to bed two hours ago, but I got distracted by Facebook -- work on Facebook, not play (although I realize those lines blur pretty frequently given that my social networking is both necessary and the ultimate form of procrastination). I turned my Sara Ramsey profile into a page last night and now I wish I had done it sooner; as much as I like to hate on Facebook, the page is better suited for what I need to do in terms of building connections to readers, and now that I'm getting it set up properly I can see more potential and possibilities for promo activities there. Sigh.

Anyway, today was good, albeit quite lazy. I got the preview link to my Authors@Google talk on Youtube this morning, and I proceeded to watch the whole thing not once, not twice, but three times. Yes, I'm that narcissistic. The third time I had it playing in the background while I took care of stuff around my room, but still. I've just never had the opportunity to play back any speaking of mine over the length of an actual talk, beyond the introductions and brief presos I occasionally gave during work that were taped. So the first time I watched it I was just enjoying it/waiting to see if I said anything horribly embarrassing (I didn't), while the second and third times were more of a critique/consideration of what worked and what I maybe would change for future appearances. I have to do a reading at the romance event I'm going to in Denver in a couple of weeks, so seeing this talk was a good confidence booster. And I'm hopeful that my agent and publicist and I can use it to get some coverage on bigger romance blogs, but we'll see. I'll post it for your viewing pleasure (although I doubt you'll want to watch it three times) when I have the official link.

I didn't get dressed until 3:30, but I made up for it by putting on a cute outfit, doing my makeup and hair (I know I'm ridiculous), and going to Starbucks, where I wrote for an hour or so. I didn't write stuff directly for the book, but I'm working through Nick and Ellie's back stories, and I wrote another five pages of back story tonight, which was v. v. helpful. Then I came home, ate supper with Terry while watching some basketball and some Project Runway (we still haven't gotten to the finale, although we both know who is in the final three), and then came upstairs and finished the book that I started last night. Then I wrote for awhile, as I mentioned, and then I got sucked into Facebook. Boo.

Now, though, I should really sleep; I have both brunch and dinner plans tomorrow, and since I've been a complete recluse since Tuesday night, I should give myself some time to acclimate to people in the morning. Goodnight!

leave tonight or live and die this way

As expected, I'm utterly exhausted -- but on the whole, today was as smooth as I could possibly ask for. I woke up on time and was ready exactly when the car service showed up to take me to the airport. The driver was v. pleasant and gave me his card to arrange cars on the side with him (and he also told me I didn't look thirty, which is always welcome). Check-in was a breeze and I had time to grab a latte and some yogurt before getting on my flight. Both my flights were totally on time, my luggage made it home, and I had no issues anywhere. And, I plotted a possible novella tie-in to SCOTSMEN (because what I really need to be doing right now is plotting a secondary story -- but I had this idea years ago to write a novella related to Malcolm's ancestor, the first earl, and his kidnapped bride (medieval, obvi), and I want to see where it goes).

Upon reaching Des Moines, the family picked me up and we went out for an oddly-timed meal at four p.m., which was totally welcome given that my eating schedule was already way off from having a burrito bowl at the equivalent of ten a.m. my time. After 'dinner', we went to Target and did some Christmas/other shopping, then went to Menards/Home Depot to look for another item before finally coming home. Once we got here, I watched "The Mentalist", then came downstairs and unpacked fully so that I can focus on writing tomorrow.

I also cleaned off my desk, and while sorting through papers in my paper organizer, I stumbled across some truly embarrassing shit. Stuff like photos of me in a cloak and dress at a Mormon Trail reenactment. Or the photo of me wearing a men's tshirt as a nightgown, a big floppy hat, huge rhinestone earrings, and gloves while reading "The Secret Garden". I also found a bunch of programs from various activities I did in high school (and I made myself toss the duplicates -- do I really need three programs from the one-act play I was in freshman year?). And, there were cards that I sent to my grandmothers over the years; they saved them, apparently, and all the things I sent them have worked their way back into my hands as we've sorted through their stuff. It made me feel slightly nostalgic; there were a few letters that I wrote just for the hell of it without any holiday attached, and I felt a twinge of guilt because I haven't done that for anyone in ages. I kind of miss letter-writing -- if I'm industrious, maybe I'll get my fill by writing some Christmas cards over the next few days.

The papers on the desk were the tip of the memory iceberg, of course; I have a full file cabinet and ten+ boxes in my closet, and I'm debating cleaning out the file cabinet while I'm home. But it probably shouldn't be a priority, unlike SCOTSMEN, which I desperately need to finish. Now, though, I should sleep if I want to get up and work tomorrow -- goodnight!

black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow

Today was a v. pleasant day that ended in a wonderful surprise, which is why I'm still up at 1:30am even though I slept incredibly poorly last night and intended to go to bed like a normal person tonight. The poor sleep was unfortunate; I didn't fall asleep until sometime after 2:30, and then I inexplicably woke up around eight and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I finally gave up and got out of bed, which enabled me to make some delicious oatmeal for breakfast and take my time eating it, rather than rushing around like a crazy person before going to meet up with Alyssa at the gym.

The training session was good; apparently getting up earlier and eating better before it is helpful, since I felt like I had more energy despite the ridiculous tings she had me do. I did a bit of cardio after working out with her, and then took longer than usual to get ready because I properly blowdried my hair (rather than drying the bangs and pulling the rest into a ponytail) and then got all dolled up in a dress and a pair of 3.5" heels (quite a shock to my poor feet, since I alternate between uggs, converse, and fuzzy socks in my unemployed state). As I mentioned last night, the big boss and her temporary replacement minion invited me to the lunch taking place during the big boss's leadership conference, and I showed up right on time (I'm turning over a new leaf).

It went down pretty much how I expected, in that I saw a bunch of people I hadn't seen in ages (including the folks from Dublin, Singapore, India, etc. whom I didn't get to say goodbye to in person when I left), probably didn't see everyone I would have liked to have seen, and somehow felt like I belonged there even though on the surface it was incredibly unusual and odd to invite a former employee to hang out during an internal lunch. But, no one else seemed to find it that unusual or odd, and it was nice to feel welcomed. Alan (the boss I had before I took my leave of absence) did suggest that I should come back and see if the third time's the charm in terms of me quitting and returning, but I took that as a compliment more than anything else.

Unfortunately I didn't actually get to talk to the big boss beyond a few sentences, since she was as busy as she always is, but we're having coffee in a couple of weeks. Several people suggested that I stay for the afternoon session, which would have been even more ridiculous than being there for lunch, so I took my leave. I do have a book to write, after all, even if lunch was fun. So I went to Starbucks, wrote for a while, came home, procrastinated, took a nap, made dinner (salmon and potatoes -- meeting Alyssa's suggestion to eat more fish and ignoring the goal to eat fewer carbs for dinner), and then proceeded to do some more editing. The overall editing today was great, even if my pace remains slow.

I was supposed to have dinner with John and Jess tonight, but they canceled because John is ill. So I intended to edit all night until now -- but at around 9:40, I saw that I had a missed call from Felicia. I called her back, and it turns out that Nita was in town for one night only, and so they came over to my house to visit. They didn't leave until almost 12:30, and since I volunteered to take Nita back to her hotel so that Felicia didn't have to go out of her way before going back to the east bay, I didn't get home until 1. But it was amazing to see both of them; I felt a little bad for Felicia, because the conversation was mostly dominated by me and Nita discussing romance novels (since we have basically identical taste, right down to these vampire erotica books that I have never had the courage to recommend to anyone else even though they are among the most heartrending/emotional books I've ever read -- how the author makes me sob hysterically after a vampire threesome is beyond me, but she's a seriously talented writer). I hadn't seen Nita in like four years, so it was wonderful to catch up, and Felicia and I hatched tentative plans to try to go down to San Diego and see Walter (if he'll have us).

But now, I should really sleep; I have a bonus third training session with Alyssa tomorrow to round out the week, and then I need to edit all afternoon before going out for drinks with Katrina. Goodnight!

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind...for me it happens all the time

So I'm embarrassed to say that I spent some time tonight making a playlist for the next book I'm going to write (Ferguson's sister Ellie and her long-lost lover-turned-enemy Nick, who is now the marquess of Folkestone) and it made me cry. I'm not a particularly good crier, but this playlist will do it -- and I even downloaded a Lady Antebellum song for it, which I hope to God is not the beginning of a slow slide into liking country music. While I haven't started outlining the book yet, since I'm still in the throes of this one, I've set my mind to work thinking about them. My agent wants an outline of their story before we start shopping the book I'm working on so that we can try to sell them together, which means I have to actually plot it out in advance much better than the disaster that was my attempts to plot Madeleine and Ferguson's book (remember how Ferguson used to have a father? and Madeleine used to have a fake French brother show up, only to be surprised when her real long-lost French brother, who was a kingpin in the Parisian underworld and too embarrassed by what he had done to survive the French revolution to ever come to England, showed up to rescue her? and Ferguson's cousin used to be trying to kill him? and the twins didn't exist?).

But even though I'm thinking about Ellie and Nick, and getting goosebumps about how good their story might be if I can figure it out and add some plot beyond recycling Lady Antebellum lyrics, I need to stay focused and finish this book. I only wrote three pages today -- not great, but at least it was something, and I think the masquerade is going to rock. I got up around ten today, ate some cheerios, checked out all my usual websites, and eventually went to the gym, where I spent forty minutes on the treadmill (while reading a romance writer magazine) and twenty minutes foam rolling (basically, massaging myself by rolling over a big tube of hardpacked foam, which feels totally awkward, painful, and wonderful). I grabbed a salad there, came home, ate said salad, and then talked to my parents for over an hour. Then, even though I don't particularly care about football and wouldn't have even known who was playing without the stuff I've seen on Twitter this week, I watched the Super Bowl -- and *adored* the Chrysler/Detroit commercial with Eminem, among others. I also got sucked in to watching the episode of "Glee" that came after the Super Bowl, and so perhaps it's not surprising that I only wrote three pages, since I started writing after ten p.m.

So while I like the scene I'm working on, I think I'll go to bed -- I'd rather wake up in the middle of the scene and eager to get back to it than stewing over how to start the next one. And perhaps tomorrow I'll listen to more cheerful music, as is befitting of the ridiculous time that Madeleine and Ferguson are about to have (rather than the tense/depressing backstory of Ellie and Nick's tragic relationship). Goodnight!

the terror of history

Clear sign that I've been reading too much paranormal crap: tonight, for the second time in a week, I struggled to spell 'warehouse'. I kept trying to spell it 'werehouse' (like werewolf, werewhale, etc.), knew it was wrong, and then had to remember that a warehouse is a place for storing wares. I have a serious problem, friends.

Beyond that, today was definitely go-go-go -- I slept until 9ish, since I had not gotten nearly enough sleep the night before, and then did a bit of work for the freelance project I'm working on. I had a couple of errands to run after that, which meant that I had to grab a (surprisingly tasty) sandwich in the cafe at the gym and hastily swallow half of it before my 1pm training session. After the general evaluation yesterday and today's training session today, I am a) sore and b) in love with my trainer. My love is the fickle, platonic love that I have had for many people in the past, but right now it burns brightly with all the hope and promise of a new relationship. So, I went ahead and purchased a package of twenty-four training sessions with her, which is the equivalent of twice a week for the next three months, and is also the equivalent of the gross domestic product of my home county in Iowa (that is mostly a joke).

After I showered (Kiehl's hair products FTW!), I went over to one of the two Starbucks near my old employer, where I had coffee with Vickee, Ziv, Renee, Tolu, Tiffany, and Brittany. Observant long-time readers may recognize those names as belonging to people I worked with/managed on the team I was on before I went on leave in 2008, and they're dropping like flies; Ziv and Renee left long ago, and we had coffee today because Vickee's last day is tomorrow. It was great to see them and to reminisce -- and it's rather funny how little I've missed work since I left. In fact, I haven't missed it at all, which is both surprising and extremely gratifying, since I would be doubting my decision if I missed it.

I did about an hour of work when I got home from coffee, and then I dashed over to Stanford campus for the third night in a row, where I attended a free lecture called "Terror of History: Heresy and the Millennium in Late Medieval Europe". I am such a dork, but even though I was the youngest person in the audience by about twenty years (with the exception of a few people hanging out in the back who may have been forced to attend due to a class), I was enthralled, and I took four pages of notes. The professor teaches at UCLA, has a fabulous Cuban accent, and discussed Zoroastrianism, the Cathars (whom I went on and on about in a recent blog post about heretics in the Languedoc region of France), the Waldensians (another brand of heretics), and how the Christian/Jewish/Islamic notion of time having an "end" (i.e. millenium/apocalypse, paradise, etc.) is very different from the view of time as cyclical (Hindu, Buddhist, and my all-time favorites, the Mayans).

So yes, I'm a dork, but it was all v. fascinating to me, and I made so many notes because I think the roots for my gargoyle young adult romance novel lie somewhere in that time period. The lecture series (which was previously 1x/yr, but they're doing three lectures this year) is partially sponsored by a local group of amateur medieval history buffs, which I may not be dork enough to join yet, but by looking at their website I discovered that there's going to be a display of tombstone statues from the dukes of Burgundy on display in San Francisco next summer, which I'm more excited about than I should be. I also came straight home and ordered the professor's twelve-hour lecture series about "The Terror of History", which I'm looking forward to listening to at my leisure when I start researching to gargoyle book in earnest after the holidays.

Now, though, I desperately need to go to bed; I have some more freelance work to do tomorrow, and then I need to hole up and write my own stuff all weekend to make up for the fact that I was distracted by filthy lucre and sold out after only two weeks of unemployment. Goodnight!

clever girl

Day one of my last day at work was lovely. I didn't sleep well last night, but managed to drag myself in by ten a.m., which was utterly respectable since I stayed until after six-thirty (and since they can't exactly fire me -- and if they wanted to fire me for coming in at ten, they should have fired me at least once a week for the past seven years). I slogged fairly effectively for most of the day, although I wasn't completely effective while working from Slice Cafe, since I was mildly distracted by John and later Katrina. However, since I had told them I was going to Slice, perhaps I was asking for it.

I vacated Slice for a doctor's appointment, then went back to my building and slogged for another couple of hours. I nearly forgot to leave in time for dinner, but I made it to dinner just in time...to discover that the restaurant was closed. Damn these restaurants that close on Mondays! John, Jessica, and Vidya all arrived within a few minutes, and v. strangely, the owner of the restaurant arrived as well, bearing the golf clubs that he had been using on his day off. Because this restaurant was Indian, we agreed to limit our choices to other Indian restaurants in Sunnyvale (which isn't really a limit, since there are at least twenty Indian restaurants in Sunnyvale, capital of the west coast Indians) -- which I knew was going to lead to my doom.

My doom, of course, was Chaat Paradise, my self-proclaimed least favorite Indian restaurant ever (even thought it's technically in Mountain View, not Sunnyvale). It's Vidya's go-to choice in the area, and John and Jess were happy to agree, and so we went. I kind of didn't want to go because I prophesied exactly what would happen -- as with just about everything I have ever claimed to hate, I ended up really liking it. I am cursed. We had pani poori, a couple of paneer dishes, and some eggplant, served with a generous portion of complete insanity. I don't know if the reason that I didn't like it before is because Adit always orders the driest items on the menu or if it's because I'm always embarrassed when I go there, but tonight was no exception on the embarrassment scale; we were the loudest group in the restaurant, inducing a whooping cough fit in John right as the server came to clear our table, which I'm sure made that man v. concerned.

So anyway, it was quite the evening, full of nonsensical jhokes about HP Pavilion and quotes from "Jurassic Park". We also made a pact that one decade from now, we will go to all the places photographed in the restaurant -- but as I've already forgotten the names of all of them, I guess we'll have to go back to Chaat Paradise at least once more. On that note, we parted ways, and I came back to Palo Alto, where I decided to throw in the towel on work for the night and watch last night's "60 Minutes". It's not quite the same as sitting with Adit while watching a few minutes with Andy Rooney, but it was quite a good episode; the Nelson Mandela piece was good, and the Eminem segment only increased my awe of Eminem's vocabulary and insane talent.

Now, I'm going to go to bed early so that I can get up at a reasonable hour and blowdry my hair before work -- doesn't that sound productive? Goodnight!

you weren't there, you never were, you want it all but that's not fair

I just realized that I am destined to get less than eight hours of sleep tonight, which makes me v. sad; I stupidly volunteered for meetings from 8am to 11am that I previously didn't have, which means I have to get up and go into work tomorrow. Ugh. This week should have been really quiet because the big boss is out of town, but as it turned out, it's been kind of miserable from a work perspective -- it's no wonder my head hurts.

However, from a friend and life perspective, today was great. I took an hour to have lunch with John (who works at my company now, as you know) and Emily (in town for the week -- my college friend who has lived in New York for the past eight years, so I typically only see her once a year). Lunch was good, with much merriment, and I ate a beef and lamb shish kebab that I could have just kept eating all day (the food at work is usually good, but it's rare that I have an entree that wows me by being a step above the other entrees I eat all the time, and this one was it). I also ruined John's day/life by accidentally telling him about an article I had purposefully not forwarded to him earlier in the week (involving the pollination of figs by wasps; don't look it up if you like to eat figs, as it may put you off them for awhile).

After lunch, I slogged excessively until 3:30, when I had a massage. I have several free birthday massages that I've stockpiled over the course of the past three or four years, and so I decided to start using them. However, I never relax well when I get a massage at work; even though the rooms are decorated like spa rooms, you're still fundamentally getting naked in your office building with hundreds of other employees in the vicinity, even if no one else is going to see you. And, in the middle of working, it's hard for me to relax.

But I will say that in this case, the masseuse made it worse. I was wearing my Golden Heart pendant (which I've been wearing all the time, as a reminder that I have something other than the day job to be passionate about) and asked her to set it aside for me because I forgot to take it off, and so when she asked what it was, I told her that I write romance novels. That's all well and good -- until after about ten minutes of silence, while she's massaging me, she suddenly asks "do you have any romance in your life?"

wtf, man? Was I so tense that it was clear that I'm not dating anyone because she could just tell that there was something wrong? Did my ass (which she massaged more than necessary) clearly lonely? I told Heather (aka dear respected madam) later that it was the most awkward massage I've ever had in my entire life, and that probably includes the time in India when I got two unexpected breast massages in the same hour. Between that and the fact that she later said that I needed to give in and that women were usually easier for her to work with than this, and that the only thing I should have in my head is thinking of synonyms for 'ravishment' (I think she was making a romance joke, but it just sounded creepy), I left feeling muscularly relaxed by mentally shellshocked.

Anyway, I worked for another hour, then vacated and went to Starbucks, where I was very good and edited for exactly an hour. Then, I picked up Jav in Palo Alto and went to Menlo Park for pizza. Adit was in town for the night, and so set up dinner with me, Jav, John, Anton and Amanda. It was great to see all of them, particularly Adit, who is just as charming and wonderful as ever. After dinner, I ended up taking Adit to the airport, and as it turns out I've now gotten home just in time to go directly to bed. Goodnight!

Daily word count: 282 (14.1% of goal)
Productive time: 1hrs
RescueTime productivity rating: 1.19 (global average: 0.87)

shorty got low low low low low low low low

I spent most of the day taking care of errands for my upcoming trip, procrastinating, and finally writing -- all in all, a good day, even though I could have been much more efficient. I picked up two dresses at the tailor's, then went to Nordstrom and returned a whole bunch of stuff that I bought at the anniversary sale. As the anniversary sale was still going on, and I had been 'good' and returned stuff, this gave me an excuse to buy some more stuff -- in this case, a pair of Converse sneakers to replace my worn-out, extremely smelly Pumas, and a pair of black pumps to wear with my dress for the awards ceremony. I picked up that dress as well, and the alterations came out well, so at least I know what I'm wearing when I go onstage to present an award in front of 2000+ people.

I also bought a ridiculously cool (or perhaps just ridiculous) ring that will really stand out and tie together my hobbit western outfit when I go home for the holidays this winter -- it's exactly the kind of ring that is going to make my brother question whether we are related and how I could have possibly changed so much after growing up in Iowa. I actually walked away from it at first, only to drive back to the mall five hours later and buy it because I couldn't stop thinking about it. When I saw it, I felt this strangely visceral tug to it, as though it had inspired in me some sort of lust that I've never really felt over a piece of jewelry before. I have a feeling that it's going to play a role in the inspiration for my Knights Templar/"gargoyle" young adult series in the future, if it doesn't give me carpal tunnel from trying to support the weight of it while typing. I've posted a picture of it below for your viewing pleasure, and you are welcome to make fun of it because I love it so much that I don't really care what you think.

Anyway, despite the time sucked up by that bit of folly, I still managed to finish my errands, grab a pizza at the Nordstrom Cafe, and come home with the intention of writing. Then I sat around for hours not writing, and just as I was about to write, I went back to Nordstrom to buy the ring. I had an Amy's enchilada when I got home, then settled in with my laptop -- and I finally got around to writing 1546 words of zee romance novel. This sex scene between Madeleine and Ferguson is turning into an epic; they're on the verge of finally, irrevocably consummating tings, but by the time they do, this scene is going to be close to twenty pages. That's not all sex; a lot of it is conversation leading up to sex, then quite a bit of detail about stripping each other out of their historical garb that I can likely cut. But I need to finish it so that I can move on to the rest of the book -- despite the fact that it currently sounds like a porn, there is quite a bit of plot that needs to happen after this (and, well, another sex scene in the garden of a masquerade ball) and I'm eager to get through it all. I can't keep wasting three hours on the internet for every hour that I spend writing, and I'm going to have to practice my self-discipline when I take my week-long staycation and try to finish this draft. If nothing else, the desire to finish so that I can move on to the next romance novel, and to the Knights Templar/gargoyle story, is growing by the day, so I really need to get through this one before I give in to the urge to move on to the next shiny thing.

And now, I should go to bed; I'm going to the city tomorrow morning to have brunch with Chandlord, and then I need to do laundry, pack, do some work for the day job, and make sure I'm prepped for my trip. And perhaps, if I get to it, Madeleine and Ferguson will finally finish their epic love scene -- miracles do happen, after all. Goodnight!

[and here's the ring]

i can't hold back, i'm on the edge

Today was entertaining, productive, ridiculous, and many other things; it was also longer than usual, as evidenced by the fact that I'm still up at 11:40pm when I usually go to bed at ten. I feel less pressure to go to bed because I don't have to get up early; my first meeting is in the San Francisco office at eleven, which is infinitely better than the Mountain View office at seven.

But the more embarrassing reason why I'm still awake is because I got so caught up in "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" that I didn't get enough work done. For whatever reason, the string of fine programs that Adit and I watched tonight included "60 Minutes", "Paul Blart: Mall Cop", and "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans". How embarrassing is that? I had actually been proud of myself for not going to see any of the "Underworld" movies in the theatres, thinking that that was a bridge too far; but now, I've broken the seal, and I'm sad and disgraced by the fact that I really want to see the others. Sigh.

In other news, I did manage to drag myself out of the office around 5:30, and I went to Cafe Borrone to write for a little over an hour. I was incredibly productive, writing 1897 words (two hundred more than the amount required to stay ahead of the game), which made me feel good about my progress even when I spilled my diet coke all over the counter and down my front when I got my free refill.

Upon further reflection, today was just a richness of embarrassments, given that I spilled all over everything and watched that stupid movie. I shall persevere, though; I wouldn't be myself if I didn't embarrass myself on a regular basis, so I shall survive. Now, though, I shall go to bed so that I can rejuvenate for a weekend of writing. Goodnight!

stuck in the middle with you

Today got off to a mostly inauspicious start. I had a 7:30am conference call, but because Adit had requested a ride to ye olde south bay this morning, I decided to take the call from home and then leave for work after, rather than making us both get up in time to leave by 6:15am so that I could drop him off before hustling to the office. This was a good decision at the time, but unfortunately traffic later in the morning was terrible, and so we didn't feel particularly efficient. Also, Adit, in his infinite wisdom, decided to make a point to me about how bad my musical tastes are, and so rather than playing one of the playlists on my iPod, he instead went through the library at random, only playing the first few bars of most songs before snorting over how bad they were and skipping them. It was more than a tad embarrassing; even though I really like my music, most of the iPod is filled with stuff I never listen to, and so there are a lot of songs that I agree aren't particularly good even if technically my ownership of them indicates support. Or maybe I'm just appeasing Adit and trying to pretend that I'm cool enough to hang out with him, which is likely never going to be the case, but I can try anyway.

After I dropped Adit off, I went to work, where I slogged fairly well through the end of the day. Tuesdays are my favorite, not because of what I do on Tuesdays (they're actually one of my least favorite in terms of quality/quantity of meetings), but because it's baked potato day at my favorite cafe. Even better, today they had kobe steak, which was totally delish, and so I had a nice fifteen minute lunch to myself in order to savor the taste of the midwest. Then, I slogged through the rest of the day before leaving at 5pm with my fellow California managers + Dave (in from Ann Arbor this week) for our traditional margaritas and pie event. It was fun, but it left me exhausted; I did a bit of brainstorming on my writing on the way home, but by the time I got here, put out a work-related metaphorical fire, and sat down to write, I was only able to get the notes from my brainstorm down before I began nodding off over my keyboard, so I think it's time for bed.

Still, though, I'm clearly in a much better place than I was yesterday; while it would still be wise to confiscate any sharp objects in my general vicinity, I wasn't so violently angry today, and sot hat's a positive step. Wish me luck keeping my temper under control -- hopefully sleep will help!