endless ether

I had quite a long day today - I was not feeling in it to win it at all when I woke up, and so I skipped a couple of morning meetings where my presence isn't strictly required so that I could get some work done. I also had a coaching call with Alyssa, who was a delight (as always!). Then I had some afternoon meetings with people who mostly raise my spirits, which was great. And then I ended the day with a presentation to my big boss - not the most relaxing way to end the day, but it went well, so at least I got through that.

I probably should have worked tonight, but I couldn't handle it. So I took a walk after work, then came home and reheated some risotto and some roasted chicken. Then I watched some tiktok videos to spark some joy. And then I gave myself a gel manicure while watching a couple of episodes of DRUNK HISTORY - the show is so dumb and it makes me laugh, so that was a nice way to wrap up the evening.

And now I think I shall go to bed early so that I can aim for productivity (or at least a shower) in the morning - goodnight!

cut the dead weight, burn the red tape

I was not in it to win it today - I have a headache, and my skin is so dry that my thumb spontaneously cracked, and I didn't feel like doing anything at work. However, I forced out some productivity anyway - I didn't write this morning because I had to spend that time reviewing and signing a bunch of papers for my house refinance, and I also had an earlier start than usual to record a podcast for work (not exciting, just a minor internal thing). I took a break from the day job at eleven to greet a notary - we sat in my back yard so that I could sign all the mortgage papers that needed a wet signature, and while it's strange to sign that kind of paperwork in your backyard, covid times call for covid measures. And now my refinance is confirmed, and I shaved 1.25% off my mortgage rate, so that's pretty sweet.

To celebrate, I ordered a poke bowl for lunch and ate it outside - it was sixty degrees today and I feel like I need to soak in sun while I can get it. Then I slogged. Then I snuck out slightly early (easy to do when you're sneaking out of your house and not an office, but my office was easy to sneak out of too) and ran a couple of errands and picked up a few grocery items - I don't really need much for my fridge between now and Iowa, but I picked up some eggs and some meat to throw in the freezer so that I'm ready for whatever awaits when I return.

Then I ordered Indian food because I didn't feel like cooking, and then I was v. lazy and very nearly wasted the night staring at my phone - but I rallied and read part of a book (LOVE LETTERING, which has been recommended by several people). And now I'm going to try to go to bed early enough to get a decent amount of sleep tonight and hope that resets my crankiness - goodnight!

with that chip on my shoulder, and this past year i got so much older

I had a local minima kind of day - nothing wrong, precisely, but nothing very right either. I did get 8+ hours of sleep, which should have been restorative but perhaps just gave me more energy for my existential dread.

Either way, I finally dragged myself out of bed and made brunch - I tried to recreate Tony's huevos rancheros, and I would say I did a bang-up job. He serves his on top of a quesadilla instead of plain tortillas, so I made a quesadilla w/perfect cheddar and two corn tortillas (and a little olive oil to make the tortilla crispy instead of soft). I also doctored up a can of black beans with onion, garlic, cumin, coriander, cayenne, salt, and lime juice, which made them tasty. And my fried eggs were perfect - crispy on the bottom, soft yolky goodness in the middle.

So they turned out so well that I hummed a little when I took my first couple of bites, which is unusual. But after that, tings went downhill - maybe I was tired from such an awesome meal, or tired from my week in general, but I had a lot of trouble rallying. I did eventually go to pick up /return a couple of things at Nordstrom and Crate and Barrel, and I also made a stop at Locavore to get a few grocery tings that I was missing.

Then I came home, tidied up, reheated some chickpea stew, ate the chickpea stew, procrastinated a bit more, and finally wrote for awhile. I let myself be distracted by Aditya, though - we ended up watching the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reunion together over zoom, and you can tell how bored I was because I agreed to watch it despite not growing up watching the show. We ended up hanging out for quite some time - Priyanka joined us as the reunion was wrapping up, and the three of us went v. deep on politics, covid, the economy, and mouse infestations until approx ten minutes ago (12:30am MST, for those of you keeping track at home).

And now, even though I have much to say, I want to go to sleep - goodnight!

it took a lifespan with no cellmate

Gotta go to bed immediately - it's after midnight and I had planned to be in bed two hours ago. Today was better than yesterday, though, mostly because I started by getting eight hours of sleep. I took care of some tings around the house this morning, ate some leftover muffins, made avocado toast for lunch, did some laundry, trimmed my bangs, took a full shower (full shower = washed my hair and shaved my legs, so fancy), bought some turnips in Animal Crossing, etc., etc. I also ran an errand to Crate and Barrel to get curbside pickup for my new coffee grinder, which is quarantining in its bag for a day or two before I pull it out.

Then I came home, cleaned up my back patio, and called my mom (Happy Mother's Day!). It wasn't a particularly happy day, it sounds like, since the weather wasn't conducive for gardening and the world is on fire, but it was nice to talk to her. Then I talked to my dad, and then I spent some quality time making supper. I made a perfectly cooked ribeye, and I also made blistered green beans and reheated a twice baked potato, so it was all v. delicious.

Then I talked to [censored] for a bit. And then I had an impromptu family dinner that lasted a couple of hours - I had texted the family asking who had ended up in a local minima this week, and that turned into a zoom call to discuss:

- Chandlord and I are definitely in local minimas, although hers is worse than mine. Mine is just the slowly simmering dread and angst over the knowledge that I'll probably be working from home the rest of the year. Chandlord's is somewhat work-related, with the added possibility that she's been exposed to the 'rona.
- Ritu seemed to be fine, although her child was full of cake and still awake. But I accidentally called her a non-essential employee, so our friendship is probably over.
- John and Jess joined and John said his local minima was last week; Jess hasn't had a local minima in four years.
- Adit added Chris Boyd, whom none of us had seen in forever; Chris claimed to be fine, but the story he told right at the end indicated that he may only be 'not in a local minima' because he hasn't hit bottom yet.
- Adit and Priyanka are dealing with the horror of having two small children at home, one of whom is a loser who can't play basketball. So they may have it the worst of all.


And now it's 12:30am and I have to work in the morning, so I should really really go to bed. Goodnight!

raise your glass

I should have gone to a holiday party tonight...but despite getting my nails done this afternoon, I simply wasn't feeling it. I really would have liked to have gone out in general, but I needed a break from coworkers (even though I like my coworkers!) - my job has taken over my life in rather dramatic ways, and this is my last full weekend at home until January, so I decided to indulge in my desire to be a hermit rather than doing the good corporate-citizen thing and going to the party.

This was, in some ways, driven by yesterday, when I worked straight from 8am to 3:45pm (with a ten-minute break for some furniture guys to deliver a new tv stand), and then dashed over to the Boulder County offices to get new license plates for my car. That task was accomplished fairly well, and then I took a break to go shopping (ironically, for something to wear tonight, which turned out to be unnecessary). But when I came home, I really wanted to do nothing, so I ate something unmemorable (having turkey burgers and fries in the freezer made for something easy, but not particularly great), drank a bottle of wine, and watched the end of Project Runway. I also, stupidly, totally unnecessarily, stayed up until after 1am, which made this morning painful...

...because I had to get up and put some clothes on, since I was expecting a tv delivery. I'd bought a tv from Amazon on Black Friday and selected today for the delivery, and it's really humongous - perhaps too humongous, since it's almost twice as big as my previous tv, but it's rather delightful to have a big tv and access to all the content I've missed in the last decade. The delivery didn't arrive until 10:45, and they weren't quite as helpful setting up as I'd been led to believe - they put the legs on backwards, which I luckily noticed before they left since it would have been impossible to change by myself - and even then, they weren't centered, but that was something I was able to take care of when I noticed it later.

But it's all good, and you can probably guess that the tv was a bigger draw than the party. After I set up the tv, I took a nap, ate some leftover pasta for a late lunch, and called [censored] to discuss [censored]. Then I got a mani/pedi - I think I found a good place, and it's walking distance from my house (although I drove because I was cold and lazy).

On the way home, I tested out a new grocery store (also walking distance to my house) and, on a whim, bought some stuff to attempt to make a thai green curry with pork and veggies. It turned out super yummy and was very easy - and I'll probably be eating a lot more of it, since that particular brand of curry sauce is legitimately whole30-approved and totally gluten free, and pulling it together was very simple.

Then, I made the gametime decision to bail on the party and curled up to watch three episodes of Top Chef (last season, which I didn't see). And now I'm going to attempt to be in bed before midnight (shocking) - goodnight!

hypnotized by you if i should linger

Today was...not good, if I'm being honest (which I sometimes am). I need to finish my book, but I'm scared of it, and daunted by how much I have left to do, and so I sank into fear spirals this morning/early afternoon. This was disconcerting and unfortunate, since I hadn't sunk so deep into fear spirals in awhile, and I had planned to be highly productive today (but of course the pressure of being highly productive is probably what caused the fear spiral to being with).

sssanyway. It also didn't help that it's gloomy and rainy and windy, which made leaving the house unappealing. But I finally ventured over to Jane on Larkin, which is only two blocks away (a survivable distance, as long as I don't get stabbed), and I wrote for a couple of hours while drinking a latte, so that helped.

But then I came home and ordered thai food, and felt the fear start again while I waited for my delivery. After I ate, I crawled into bed with my laptop and was on the verge of starting to write again when I realized that the skylight above my bed was leaking. It's not a major leak, and it may have just been some odd condensation from all the rain we've been having. But if I had been lying down instead of sitting up, it would have fallen right on my face. Ugh.

Luckily, I was sitting up, and I was home to catch it, so it did no damage to my bed. And it seems to be v. minor - I stuffed some paper towels around it and it hasn't soaked through in the last three hours, so hopefully it's contained (and it's not supposed to rain much more tonight, so I can deal with it in the morning). Unfortunately, that means I have to sleep on the other side of the bed tonight, but I think I'll survive.

So after I dealt with that, I was not in a better mood (shocker). So I poured a glass of wine, sat on the couch, and eked out another hour of writing. Then I sent an email to Chandlord about the leak, and then I texted with her about it, and then I considered running away to wine country but decided against it.

But now I need to sleep - hopefully today's fear spirals were a minor blip caused by dehydration/odd sleep patterns (both of which I had for the past couple of days) and I can get back on track with the productivity tomorrow. Goodnight!

these beats of a dark heart use baselines to replace you

I kind of inadvertently took today off from writing (and most work in general), and I think I am more excited about writing tomorrow because of it. When I woke up this morning, I only lounged in bed for a little bit before I remembered that I was supposed to try getting out of bed earlier - so I was up and curled up on the sofa with tea by 7:45, which is way earlier than I usually get up on a Sunday without dire need.

So, since I was awake, I finished reading Shonda Rhimes's "Year of Yes". I highly, highly recommend it - if nothing else, she's a great writer, and she tells the story of her year in interesting, beautiful, moving, thought-provoking, funny ways. But if you're stuck in a rut, or feeling like this is your last-ever chance to have kids (not what I'm feeling, but I keep running into people who are feeling this), or are generally waking up and looking around and wondering if you're living the life you'd actually intended to sign up for, this is a great read.

If you're even the most casual, unobservant reader, you probably picked up on the fact that I was oscillating in and out of a local minima (Adit's techie word for depression, which has stuck since he found me in a local minima my junior year of college and said, "Wampler, look at you, how are you living", which I think is his way of saying he cared) for much of the end of last year. And while I would say that I'm mostly out of it and mostly moving forward and mostly able to write again, there are definitely still days when I can feel myself holding back, holding myself down, holding myself apart.

So while I don't think that any book is the be-all end-all cure for anything, I read this one at the right time, when I was in the right place to hear it. I was already doing a lot the past few weeks to be more present in my life and say yes to more things and do things that I normally wouldn't do and meet people I would normally spurn, and Shonda's advice is basically all of that, taken to the logical conclusion of doing it all the time, in as many big and scary and growth-inducing ways as possible. So, if you need that kind of message, definitely try the book - and if you want to talk about it, let me know what you think.

So, I finished the book this morning, and then I wrote down the quotes I'd highlighted - I'm using a new computer-based journal instead of paper (an app called Day One), which I'm weirdly kind of liking (we'll see how long this last, since I'm a diary whore and switch notebooks frequently). Then I showered, etc., and sped down to the south bay for lunch.

My destination was the New England Lobster Market in Burlingame, which looks like it's in an industrial park, but they serve surprisingly delicious (and upscale, at least by price) seafood (mostly lobsters and crab and shrimp). Joann is about to embark on a special diet that will prevent her from eating all seafood and rice for a month, so this was her pick, and I'm glad we went there. It was nice enough to sit outside in the sun, and I had each of their three tacos (lobster, shrimp, and fish) - I loved the shrimp one, and the lobster and fish were good as well. But the winner may have been Jen's crab nachos, which I would happily eat again and again.

After we'd caught up on our lives and learned that Joann's diet restricts rice but allows Doritos (medicine is weird), we parted ways and I drove home. I desperately wanted a nap, but instead I went to whole foods and bought groceries (and white hydrangeas to give my dining table some funereal chic). Then I came home and called my mom - we talked for quite awhile, since politics and local events have resulted in a lot to catch up on. So much so that my dad didn't get to talk to me at all - he had to wait until after they'd eaten supper.

So the break in between gave me a chance to start cooking my own supper - I wanted to make pasta all'amatriciana again, so I cut up everything and started the tomato sauce before my dad called me back. The sauce simmered happily while I talked to my dad (maybe less happily, because of the subject matter and not because of the speaker) about local developments, politics, my writing/career stuff, etc. I'll probably have to talk to them again on Tuesday to hear how the caucuses went down, but for now I'm going to bury my head in the sand and hope that Iowa and New Hampshire winnow the field down so that there are fewer decisions to make (or at least fewer candidates to listen to) by the time the California primary rolls around.

After we hung up, I finished the sauce, which involved cooking bacon and onions and garlic and red chili flakes together, then adding some of the tomato sauce to the mix, and then combining it with pasta. I only made enough pasta for tonight, but there's enough finished sauce for 2-3 more servings, and enough tomato sauce to freeze and eventually make more sauces later. So I ate my pasta, and it was so fucking good, if I do say so myself - easily one of my favorite new recipes.

And then I maybe should have written, but instead I curled up on the couch with a glass of wine and finished reading 'My Brilliant Friend' (the first book in the Neapolitan series by Elena Ferrante, which has gotten a ton of well-deserved acclaim in the last couple of years). And now I should probably sleep - it was nice taking today off, but I need to write tomorrow. Goodnight!

wanna argue all day, make love all night

I wasn't really in a great place from a productivity standpoint today...I was definitely procrastinating, probably because I was definitely stressing/overthinking this stupid book, as I have been doing for months, which is getting really old and frustrating, but that frustration is digging deep ruts into my subconscious that I'm finding it difficult to escape from.

sssanyway. None of that is interesting, nor is it fruitful to say it out loud right now. I sat in bed and attempted to write this morning, but where it worked perfectly yesterday, it didn't work at all today. Then I took a nap (bizarre timing for a nap), took a shower, and eventually decided to try changing my scene, so I walked to Fillmore with the intention of working at Peets - but it was jampacked with people who were 'working from home' on Friday, so there was no place for me. I drowned my sorrows in ice cream from Smitten instead, which is v. unlike me (I almost never crave ice cream, and I had froyo yesterday, which usually gets me through at least a month before I want it again).

Then I came home, with a stop at Walgreens to pick up some photos I'd ordered - I finally picked the photos to put on my photo wall, and while I may want to swap some of them out later, it looks good for now. So I spent some quality time this afternoon framing the photos, which was at least something worth doing. Then I did a bit of work, took another nap (two naps in one day is probably the definition of a local minima), and forced myself to leave the house for my one social excursion of the day.

The excursion was dinner and drinks with a romance writer friend (Amber, who is also an Episcopal priest, which I find fascinating) and a couple of her friends. This all came about somewhat last minute (and by that I mean yesterday); I was supposed to have happy hour with Dave/Tomas/Eugene tonight (the triumvirate of...I'm having trouble coming up with an appropriate adjective), but over the course of yesterday afternoon it was decided that Tomas wanted to ditch, and then Dave decided to stay in the city, so I quite happily canceled happy hour and had dinner with Amber instead. We met at Udupi Palace, which is an Indian vegetarian place in the Mission; in some ways I could have done without having Indian for the second day in a row, since yesterday's lunch satisfied all my cravings, but c'est la vie. Then we went to ABV, where I had a cocktail with them (The Jackel, my favorite!) before parting ways.

It was great to see Amber; I haven't seen her in at least a year, probably, but I really like her and always enjoy talking to her about writing/life. Hopefully I'll see her again sooner than that; she lives in San Mateo, which isn't my favorite place in the whole world, but it's easy enough to get to for a visit. So at least my evening ended on a somewhat higher note, even if the panic about the book is still simmering beneath the surface...

...but that's a problem for tomorrow - right now, I desperately need to sleep so I can write and take care of household tasks tomorrow. Goodnight!

non, je ne regrette rien

I have run away to an undisclosed location (spoiler: it will be disclosed in the next few paragraphs). I woke up this morning to my real life, immersed in San Francisco's fog, feeling blocked by a story that has caused me to despair for months. And I made a valiant effort to push through it all - I showered, put on a dress, and went to my favorite cafe, where they have begun to make my iced coffee as soon as I walk through the door (even when I'm late, as I was today).

But there was no amount of caffeine that could make the fog better. So I worked for a bit, but it was mostly futile. And then I decided to fuck it all and get out of the city, since the noise and the homeless people and the generally discordant feeling of being so lucky while walking through such tragedy was bumming me out. So I used Hotel Tonight and found a room in wine country for a relatively amazing rate, and I ran home and threw a couple of dresses and some pajamas and my writing tools of the trade into a bag...

...and then I drove north for an hour and a half. My mood lifted as soon as I passed the Golden Gate and the fog cleared, and I drove north in a state of bliss (tempered by my moody playlist, which clearly generated itself in the fog). I got to Healdsburg around 2:30pm and checked into my hotel, which is gorgeous - it's a former manor, built in the 1880s, and my room has a little patio where I spent some quality time writing this afternoon. The patio backs up against the gardens, and I heard the rustling, throughout the afternoon/early evening, of the chef's staff harvesting a variety of items for tonight's dinner. It was rather awesome to look up and see someone in chef's whites hustling toward the kitchen with a bowl of produce.

But I didn't eat the six-course tasting menu, even though this place has a Michelin star - I'm here to work, and I focused as well as I was able to. I went into town after checkin and grabbed a late lunch + some more coffee, then came back here and reread what I have on the patio. Then I took a nap (v. necessary), and then I spent the past four hours alternating between the veranda and a quiet corner of the bar while I ate delish food (scallop crudo, beet salad with tasty creme fraiche, cheese plate for dessert). I wrote a bunch of pages for Rafe and Octavia, and I befriended Pam (the awesome, newly-married bartender), and it has all been generally delightful.

However, I'm going to go to bed after this and get up earlyish so I can write with coffee on my patio before heading back to the city - I'm only here for the night, since I have to be back in the city for social plans in the afternoon. But as a sunny, peopleless break for focusing on my writing, this was exactly what I needed. Goodnight!

i wanna get better

I'm still blocked on Rafe and Octavia, to some extent, but that's becoming an incredibly depressing topic of conversation. And by 'incredibly depressing' I mean that I'm starting to get angry at myself for not being better at compartmentalizing my personal life so that I can write more effectively.

You may point out that getting angry about this isn't helpful; you'd be correct. However, on some level I simply haven't dealt with all the inherent/residual stress involved from having blown up my whole life over the past three months and switched apartments / quit jobs / said goodbye to coworkers whom I'd thought I would stay in touch with more regularly / committed to a creative life that involves a lot of solitude and not a lot of reassurance.

And unfortunately I haven't found a great way to write effectively while my monkey mind is so easily distracted. But writing in the morning seems to help, so I'm going to prioritize that. And there have been a lot of great things in the past couple of months - I've had more time for my friends, and for going to the gym, and I've been eating better and drinking less (I know, I'm shocked too), and I've been slowly connecting with other writers and starting to do things for my writing business that I've been meaning to do forever.

So really, it's all good. I just want to focus this week so that I can get into a groove before I leave for NYC, since I have high hopes of writing while I'm there as well. But it's time to turn those hopes into a reality, even if the slog is hard; the end result will be worth it.

sssanyway, today wasn't all doom and gloom despite the past few paragraphs. I got up early and did some work at Cafe du Soleil before meeting Jess and John there for breakfast (don't call it brunch!). As I mentioned on Thursday, I missed Jess's musical salon night because I got sucked into the seedy underworld of whisky and tattoos, so I felt it was imperative to catch up as soon as possible after that debacle. So we discussed our respective lives over mimosas (still, don't call it brunch), and I had the totally scrumptious spanish-style tortilla (basically egg and potato, which are two of my favorite things). And it was good to see them before I go to NYC and they move to Berkeley and our friendship dies a sudden death as the Bay Bridge comes between us.

After that, I came back to my neighborhood and went to Another Cafe, where I worked for a couple of hours on Octavia's character/style/mannerisms, since I feel like she's not quite coming together for me. I also said hi to Hugo, who was working there as per usual. But I didn't stay for all that long; I had a hangout date with Terry so that we could coordinate on my upcoming trip (yay!). And then I cleaned the kitchen, threw out an impressive display of mold formerly known as my compost, and called my parents. They have baby peacocks now, because of course they do.

At that point I contemplated walking down to the Marina and eating steak/drinking wine at Aix, but luckily I checked their website and discovered they're closed on Sundays. So I instead took the half-assed approach and bought sushi at Whole Foods, and then decided to drink water instead of opening the champagne I considered opening. I have to train with Alyssa at 8am tomorrow, so sobriety seemed like the better part of valor. And then I spent the rest of the night answering some emails, taking care of business, writing in my journal, and planning my to-dos for the week or two ahead.

And now, I'm going to breathe in, breathe out (green to red, machinehead), and remember that I went through all of this the last time I quit my job, and I seem to be getting closer to the end of the tunnel much faster than I did last time, so this is all good. If nothing else, the fear spirals this weekend were better than last weekend, or the weekend before that, which seems to indicate progress - and I don't have time for fear spirals this week, since I have lots to do before going to NYC (where all fear will die naturally while I'm having fun/being inspired, or it will be killed by the Rat King in the subways, either way). And on that note, I shall also stop being dramatic and go to bed. Goodnight!

your trojan's in my head

Today was kind of a mess, if I'm being honest. Not for any good reason, really...but I'm feeling like I'm not being productive enough, and when I get into one of those fear spirals, it's easy to let it carry me all the way to the bottom rather than finding an off-ramp. But at least I know a fear spiral when I see one now...so I have some hope that I've eventually deal with them more quickly, if not evade them entirely (a noble, likely futile goal).

But it wasn't all fear and stress and despair...I woke up moderately early and met Kathia at 9:30, so I got in a couple of hours of legit brainstorming this morning. I'm coming close to a solid plot, I think, and I am planning to press hard this week to see where I can take it. After we parted ways, I said hi to Hugo (who was working, unbeknownst to me, in the same cafe downstairs), laughed at his general life plight because I have no bedside manner, and then left him to his studying so that I could buy groceries and make a belated breakfast/lunch. Then I spent the early afternoon doing laundry/napping/panicking. And then I called my parents, who were in fine form (albeit still, somehow, sick), which made me feel better because at least someone will still love me even if my books all suck henceforth and I have to get a job as a janitor at a Starbucks because I never even learned how to pull a shot of espresso properly. Sigh.

sssanyway, I was going to mope some more after I got off the phone with them, but since I now recognize a fear spiral, I instead put on some real clothes, walked to the Marina, and had an extended dinner at Mezes. I picked the right night to do it, since they were v. v. slow, so I got to catch up with the bartender in a v. leisurely way. I also enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine and some delish chicken skewers while plotting and scheming in my notebook...I wanted to plot out the week ahead, and I accomplished it well enough. Eventually, I said goodbye, came home, and finished a book I'd started awhile ago ('Prudence', a steampunk novel that's a spinoff from a series I'd previously loved - my jury is out on whether I love this series yet, but it was a good enough read).

And so, happily, I feel better than I did this afternoon, and I'm eager to tackle this week with all the ruthlessness I used to use against my day job. Or something. Goodnight!

i'm slowly drifting drifting away

I'm not gonna lie...this morning was bleak. I woke up and started writing as planned, but I got less than two pages before I felt like it was all wrong and I still don't know Rafe and Octavia well enough, and the panic rushed over my head and drowned me. Creating something from nothing is not for the faint of heart.

Anyway. I've written five books and there's no logical reason to believe that I can't write the sixth, and I've hit this point with all the other books too, so this too shall pass. But I'm not going to lie...I spent most of the morning on the couch, staring at the ceiling, trying to breathe and think calming thoughts. I also made some eggs and bacon at some point, so it wasn't all bleak. And I showered and dried my hair and managed to look totally presentable, so if this is rock bottom, it's at least a socially acceptable rock bottom.

After I'd calmed down somewhat, I took care of some tings online this afternoon, and I also talked to my parents, which was a soothing interlude. Then, I walked down to Fillmore and met up with Claudia (aka Santy Claude) to see "Mad Max". We bought a bottle of wine and some popcorn for eleven billion dollars, and I enjoyed the movie quite a bit. I was perhaps overexcited for it because a lot of people I follow on Twitter thought it was the best movie ever, mostly because I follow a bunch of romance writers who applaud any story where women get most of the speaking/acting roles, but in terms of pure entertainment/spectacle, it was pretty awesome. Then, Claudia and I soaked up the wine by having dinner at Troya, where we continued to catch up on life until it was time to part ways.

And now I'm going to sleep, get up early tomorrow (at the time I used to get up for work), and go to a coffee shop to write in the wee hours before the panic wakes up and tries to stop me. Goodnight!

you got an attitude of everything i ever wanted

I was far less productive today than I had anticipated...it was one of those mornings when I didn't quite want to get out of bed or face humanity, even though I was theoretically excited about getting things done, and so I laid around and indulged my desire to ignore everything for a bit longer. But eventually I was too hungry to stay put, so I threw on some clothes and went to Moulin for breakfast. It wasn't exactly my regular place when I lived here before, and it's unlikely to become my regular place now...it's just slightly too unhealthy, and slightly too dark inside, and anyway I'm planning to cook more, and breakfast is one of my favorite things to make. But it served its purpose today - I soaked up some caffeine, ate some eggs and potatoes, and contemplated my horrific to-do list in peace.

So after that, I came home with grand intentions of knocking off everything on my to-do list. And really, I got a respectable amount done - I did four loads of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned my shower, and hung up a new plastic liner + the white waffle-weave shower curtain I'd had in the cabin, which sat in a box for four years waiting for this moment. I also took care of a variety of bills and paperwork, scribbled in my journal, and did a tiny bit of checking up on the day job (only eleven days left!). And then I talked to my parents, as per usual; they were in fine form, although I'm sad that I can't drop everything and fly back to Iowa this week. One of my mother's aunts passed away, and some of that side of the family is gathering for the funeral this week. It would be nice to see them all, and under normal circumstances I would go, but with the quitting of the day job + the trip I have coming up, it's just not possible. Boo.

Anyway, after I talked to my parents, I showered in my freshly cleaned shower (this is not as exciting when you're the one who cleaned it instead of when you've paid someone to clean it...not having a cleaning person is going to take some getting used to), and then met John and Jess for dinner at Thep Phanom (a Thai place near them + where Adit and I used to live). I hadn't seen them in well over a month, so we had much to catch up on - we're all becoming adults and having to make adult-like decisions, which is surreal and strange and stressful and (somewhat) wonderful. So we spent two hours discussing all manner of things, and we made tentative plans to see each other again before I go on my spinster honeymoon.

But before I go on my honeymoon, I must finish the day job - and that requires getting up early tomorrow so that I can write before commencing the day. Goodnight!

this ain't love, it's clear to see

I'm just going to come out and say it...today was not a great day. I had grand plans to do a million things, but the rain conspired against me and I wasn't feeling it. It all seemed to start off okay, since I went down the street for breakfast and had a v. entertaining chat with Tony. And then I went bed shopping, and I successfully picked up a mattress and adjustable foundation to better support writing in bed...

...but then things went sideways. I had to prep my room for the arrival of the new bed, and so I cleaned out all the stuff under my bed. I also decided to vacuum under the bed, and I was punished for my desire for cleanliness when I accidentally dropped the box spring on my bare foot. It turns out that this hurts like a motherfucker. In fact, it hurt almost as much as the shelf I dropped on my toe (same foot) back in June...and, in a bitter twist, that toe had finally fully healed last night, when the last of the old nail fell off and I cleaned months-old dried blood off the new nail like it ain't no thang. So now I have two abrasions on the top of my foot, along with a lot of bruising, and I'm hoping that I didn't break anything because I really don't want to deal with it.

So that kind of ruined the rest of my day, since I didn't want to walk and run errands, and I didn't feel like doing my taxes. But I talked to my parents, who were in fine form. And my bed was delivered with little incident, and I love it, so that's good. I tried to make tuna salad for supper, which is my go-to when there's no food in the house, but after I mixed it up, I found what seemed to be plastic or glass in the mix, so I threw the whole bowl away because I didn't know where it had come from. Then I crawled even lower down the food spectrum and ate peanut butter while watching some of the Grammys. But I finally abandoned the tv for the comfort of my new bed, where I finished the book I was reading last night and iced my foot and tried not to think dark thoughts about it.

And now I'm going to sleep and hope that I wake up tomorrow to something that is clearly just bruised and not totally mangled - goodnight!

then you jerk it out

I had a v. quiet, v. hermity day today, which was mostly what I needed. However, I did make it out to have breakfast down the street, and I made it out again to take a long walk around the neighborhood (during which I ran into Julie, which was awesome!) and grab an iced latte. And the highlight of the day, of course, was having dinner with Claudia (aka Santy Claude) - she was good enough to drive to my neighborhood, and then we had supper at my favorite Greek place, which was delightful. We ended up having tea at my place before she drove home, and it's so great that she's back in the area so that this will be a much more regular occurrence.

But now I need to sleep - I have actual stuff to do tomorrow and I should really buckle down and get it done, so sleeping in advance of commencing with the slog is imperative. Goodnight!

and then you'd lie with me til i fall asleep

My angst is high and my productivity is low. I suppose that's not entirely fair; I got enough done at work that I'm not totally embarrassed with myself, and I wrote about five pages tonight. But they were five hard-won pages, bled out onto paper in longhand with ink that really does look like fresh blood. And while I didn't want to strangle anyone at work today, I spent my commute napping (don't worry, I was on the bus) and daydreaming of moving to Russian River. And MARQUESS continues to get hideously uneven reviews (some are amazing, but my latest negative review said "this author is getting worse and worse" - tanks), which doesn't really help my productivity or my self-confidence, and just contributes to the feeling that I should scrap my romance career and write something that better fits the kinds of stories I want to tell, even if that's a ridiculously over-the-top overreaction to a couple of negative reviews.

Not that I should be blogging about my reviews at all, so please don't start an online lynch mob against the reviewers, since that would ruin my career. Not that you would, since there are a) approximately five of you and b) you all seem like rational, well-tempered people who don't have the time or energy to go after strangers online. And that's why I love you.

sssanyway, at least I was able to write *something* tonight, which is better than I was able to do last night, so I'll take it. I'm trying to pull myself out of my funk before the long weekend, since I want to make serious progress on Alex and Prudence while also getting ready to go to Atlanta in a couple of weeks...but we shall see. And now I shall go to bed before I get any whinier - goodnight!

don't masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no

The wedding yesterday was fabulous...my hangover today was not so fabulous. Thank goodness for the end of daylight saving time - while I'm sad that I won't see my sun friend as much for the next few months, the extra hour this morning saved my life.

I was actually doing surprisingly well this morning. I woke up around eight and decided to eat something in hopes of settling my stomach, so I had eggs with John and Jess in the game room. The game room was last night's scene of the crime - I had organized an impromptu afterparty for a few people after the reception, with the help of the wedding coordinator, who I had befriended earlier and who was more than happy to help me procure alcohol and cabs for people, etc. But by the time we had breakfast, some magical persons had cleaned everything up as though nothing improper had ever happened there. The scrapes on my arms and legs tell a different story (one in which someone, at some point, tossed me into a bush). Still, the whole wedding day was awesome, and well worth the hangover I had already planned to have today.

However, while I was still feeling quite chipper this morning, my usual hangover trend happened, and by the time I loaded my car and reached town for brunch, I had reached the bitter, regret-filled hatred portion of my hangover. Terry knows this part of my hangover well, since it's when I usually stomp around looking for coffee before muttering something mean-spirited and retreating to my room until I'm more fit to be seen. It hit with a particular vengeance this morning - I'm reminded that I'm becoming more of an introvert as I age, since I really enjoy hanging out and having fun, but it costs me more energy than I get from it, and after 60+ hours of nonstop wedding socializing, by this morning I was all tapped out. And it probably didn't help that when we got to brunch, there were more people there than they anticipated, so we were going to have to wait ages for a table...

...so a few of us (John, Jess, Anthony, Dormain, and two people whose names I never bothered to verify, since I was beyond caring, but the guy had very, very nice teeth) hatched a plan, said goodbye to the appropriate people, and went across the street to a lovely French restaurant, where we had a fantastic lunch on their beautiful patio. I ordered a 14oz ribeye with fries, since I realized I barely ate yesterday and meat tends to cure what ails me better than just about anything else (and it was one of the only things on the menu that was gluten free). John seemed to be in about the same mood as I was, so we sat at one end of the table being surly while the guy with the nice teeth and the girl told their life stories, which I mostly ignored. At some point, Dan (a dude I attempted to befriend at the wedding, although he may have been scared off by discussions of sperm whales) showed up, since he saw us as he was headed back to his car from the official brunch, so he hung out for a bit and I foisted some wine and beer on him from the stash that the wedding coordinator had put in my trunk. And then I bid an insincere goodbye to my friends (nice teeth dude had disappeared at this point, so it was less insincere than it could have been), got in my car, and had three hours of blessed solitude while I drove back to the evil city.

I had to make a stop at Lauren and Nathan's house as soon as I got into town, since the wedding presents, a few decorations, the unopened alcohol, and the cake topper had been foisted upon me. I would have waited until tomorrow, but the cake needed to go in the freezer, so I hauled stuff into their house and then finally made it home around 4pm. Upon arriving here, Terry took one look at my face and knew what stage I had reached in my hangover (still bitter, more regret, less hatred, better able to verbalize but still likely to say mean things) and helped me carry the rest of the stuff up from my car. Then I talked to my parents (who probably think I had an awful time at the wedding - they should have talked to me yesterday, when I was all happy and weepy at the wedding and then excited and eager to have fun at the reception), and then Terry ordered pizza and we debriefed on all the wedding action and watched some tv. And now I really, really, really need to sleep - I'm no longer bitter or particularly regret-filled, but I will be if I don't sleep tonight. Goodnight!

the worst things in life come free to us

I'm kind of unbearably sad tonight...I would claim that I don't know the cause of it, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination of spending $3500 to fix my car and reading a novel with a main character who is succumbing to dementia. The car was unexpected because I took it in for a checkup (which it, admittedly, desperately needed, since I get the oil changed regularly but pretty much ignore all other routine maintenance) and they told me they had to replace the power steering rack or some shit. Boo. The book was more expected, since I chose to read it, but it really put me in the worst mood ever....

...and I suppose the reason it put me in the worst mood ever is obvious, since both my grandmothers and one of my great-grandmothers had some pretty serious dementia. Gram Wampler is still alive, but has slipped quite a bit, while Gram Holder passed away in 2004 and my Great-grandma Wampler died while we were in Ukraine, at which point she hadn't been able to speak for years. Tragic.

The book, TURN OF MIND, is really, really good, though; it was written by one of my creative writing teachers at Stanford, and she did a masterful job of capturing the decline in cognitive function and language ability and social skills and all the rest. The narrator is first-person for the most part, told from the perspective of a former orthopedic surgeon who is sliding into dementia and is also suspected of killing her best friend (although she can't remember whether she did or not). And I'm really glad to have read it, but I think it's going to haunt me. And it will probably haunt me because I saw too much of myself in the other characters, who slowly slip away from the main character because they have their own lives and can't stomach having the same fucking conversation over and over and over again, knowing she'll never remember it.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I suppose it will haunt me because it made me think about what my feelings for my grandmothers tell me about who I am, and I'm not sure I like the answer. Is the impatience I feel toward them just my standard defense mechanism, where I've pre-grieved for them years before they're ever gone because it's easier for me to pretend that they're already dead and nothing but a memory? Or is that impatience something colder, more selfish -- a frozen heart, rather than one that can't handle the heat of its emotions? I suspect that my heart is a blocked, simmering volcano, not a frozen wasteland -- but that's probably why I'm struggling with Ellie and Nick right now, since I'm having trouble forcing myself to stay still and listen to all the long-buried emotions that I'm bleeding into their story, when all I want to do is burn everything and move to Thailand and forget that I ever wanted to be a writer, forget that I ever felt anything for anyone, and live in a moment where there are no choices and no divergent paths and no alternate lives that may or may not have been happier than the one I've found myself in.

Sorry, I should have posted a melodrama alert at the beginning. Tomorrow will be better, or at least cheaper, and I will hopefully drag myself out of this black mood (or at least channel it into the end of Nick and Ellie's story, which is fast approaching and would be approaching even faster if I could stop being sad about them). Goodnight!

written in the stars a million miles away

I'm slowly but surely crossing things off my to-do list, even though I don't particularly want to do any of it. As a result, I have nothing of interest to report here tonight. I mean, seriously, nothing.

So if you're still here, don't say I didn't warn you. I woke up in time to make it into the gym, where I got a massage (yes, my life is rough) in an attempt to get some of the tension out of my shoulders and calves before starting my drive across the Great American West. I don't think I was particularly successful, since my back still hurts, but given that I'm stressed, sad, and generally in a local minima, I'm neither surprised nor particularly enthusiastic about the chances that it will magically heal itself tomorrow. Then, I ran some errands, grabbed a late lunch, came home, did some stuff on zee internet, took a nap, did some more stuff, and went to Stanford campus with the intention of doing all the scoring for the contest entries I read last night.

I ended up only doing one, which took well over an hour, and so I'm a bit concerned about how long it will take to score the other three. But, I ran out of patience for the exercise, so I came home, procrastinated a bit, answered a whole bunch of email that I'd been avoiding, and squared away some bill payments and tings.

And now, I think I shall go to bed. Don't worry, the blog will get more interesting starting tomorrow, since I have things happening outside the house with real people (amazing!) and am then leaving on my trip. But the next thirty hours or so are going to be chaotic, since I'm hoping to get out of here bright and early on Wednesday and haven't even started packing. I guess the good news (?) is that since I'm flying back here on Friday for James's funeral, I can grab anything I missed. That's an odd way to handle a road trip, but so be it. Goodnight!