world serves its own needs, don't misserve your own needs

I'm tempted to just direct you to [censored]'s attempt at writing a blog post for me (see last night's comments) and call it a night, since he #nailedit. But I suppose I should tell you that I'm still alive, although I'm brutally tired - I was up until after one a.m. last night, and didn't sleep well (thanks to almost five glasses of wine), and I woke up at seven feeling like death (mostly due to lack of sleep, not a hangover, which I miraculously avoided as the only gift of today).

It was rather interesting experiencing the aftermath of the election with a bunch of writers - writers are strange beasts anyway, and tend to be highly emotional (or at least sensitive to drama), and often very opinionated. And it was clear that the energy throughout the hotel was awful - there were a lot of tears and red eyes, and a lot of fear.

So I tried to put it all out of my head and focus on the work of learning how to tell better stories, but the morning workshop opened with a rather long diatribe about the election, and it totally distracted me. I took a couple of great things away from that workshop, but I was really exhausted and really unable to focus, so I ended up skipping all the afternoon stuff so that I could relax in my room, then go out and seek a late lunch by myself (salad and a glass of wine at a bar where the locals were also devastated), and then wander around Salem for a little bit. Salem's a really pretty town, and I wish I had more time here - but I think I'll be ready to go home when the time comes.

Then I came back to the hotel and hung out in the bar with my new friend Heather, who is awesome. She and Barbara were signing books at seven because they're workshop presenters and all the presenters did a signing, so I picked up a couple of books and then hid in my room for another hour. But then we all had a late dinner at Bit Bar, which was charming - it had a video game theme, with lots of old gaming machines, and Barbara had tater tots shaped like Tetris pieces, and it was delightful.

But now I'm desperate for sleep and hoping that I can refocus tomorrow since there are some workshops that I really want to get something out of - goodnight!

a kiss with a fist is better than none

Today was, quite frankly, without exaggeration, one of the worst days I've had in months.

Most of this isn't my own personal tragedy, so I want to preface all of this by saying that.

But first and worst, my best friend lost her father today. He was a wonderful man...one of the best. There are no words to say beyond that.

So I bought a ticket to go back to Iowa, leaving Thursday, coming back Tuesday. This wasn't in my plan for the weekend, but I'm so lucky that I have the flexibility to do this (this would be a perfect place to say #blessed, but I'm a cynical bitch and that's not really my style). So you're all about to get a bonus round of #smalltownlife, but it's going to be a rather somber version (#sorrynotsorry).

The rest of my day pales in comparison to that, but it's easier to be angry about less consequential things, so I'm going to focus my rage on other annoyances and ignore my grief for now. Even if that hadn't happened, today would have been awful enough on its own. I woke up early, but was stressed about what I had to do today, and so I got nothing done this morning despite staring at the screen and pretending to write.

I won't go into detail about what I had to do today, since a lot of it isn't my story to tell, but suffice it to say that it involved supervising movers who were packing up the things of a friend who is in the middle of getting divorced, which also involved dealing with her ex. The tattoo artist from my epic adventure in July was there to provide masculine backup (although he mostly just drank whisky); another acquaintance was there to assist (but we left to grab coffee and then she went home after); and because the movers were way behind schedule and we were way ahead of schedule in arriving, this ended up taking seven fucking hours. Seven...fucking...hours. My own move didn't take that long, and it didn't involve listening to the ex while also texting the friend, while also taking a break to find out that one of the best men from your childhood had just passed away.

Sooooooo. This was all way too dramatic and way too sad and way too annoying and way too awful. When the movers were finally done, I made it all of half a block before stopping in at the first fancy place where I could eat a fancy cheeseburger and drink two glasses of wine - I usually try not to self-medicate, but I gave myself a pass tonight. Then I walked home, and now I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with a cold. So I'm going to take my frustrated, self-pitying, slightly-drunk self to bed and hope that I can sleep for nine hours and stave off this cold before waking up tomorrow and writing/cleaning/packing/not-crying in preparation for my flight.

Tanks for listening, internet friends...you're the best. Goodnight!

our love turns to rust

Perhaps some 'splaining about last night's blog post is in order, but I'm not going to spend much time 'splaining because I should be in bed. Needless to say, my Saturday took some unexpected twists and turns; I almost didn't go out at all after taking a mid-afternoon nap, but my decision to rally for Leland Tea led to a twelve hour descent into debauchery. As a result, I stayed over at Adit's and awoke in the morning feeling better than I deserved but worse than I preferred. Jess was staying over as well, even though she hadn't hung out with us until showing up at Adit's place at midnight looking for a place to crash since she had plans in the city on both Saturday and Sunday. I convinced her to cancel her Sunday plans, though (opera in the ballpark, which I and everyone else was bailing on due to precipitation and the fact that it's the opera - j/k, opera fans), and the three of us decided to get brunch together. We called Katrina and forced her to come with us, and it looked like it was going to be an awesome time...

...until we went to Samovar and my love affair with that place was irreparably damaged. Any longtime (or even shorttime) readers of the blog know that I love Samovar with all my heart, despite their occasionally bad service and their overpriced menu options. I went back through my blog and confirmed that I've gone 40+ times in the past two years (at which point I stopped counting), both alone to write/brainstorm and with friends. I had a Groupon for Samovar, which is part of why we ended up there today, but it ended up being a complete shitshow. Food for Adit, Jess and I came very quickly, but Katrina's food took almost an hour. The waitress's apology wasn't really an apology; she said that the kitchen was very small and had gotten swamped, and that we could look back in the kitchen to see how small it is (which is a terrible excuse, since Samovar has been open 10+ years and wasn't entirely full this morning anyway - they should be able to get a fucking bowl of rice with some salmon on it out of the kitchen in less than an hour). She also failed to bring us water until the third time we'd asked, which was also ridiculous. And the icing on the cake was that when we paid, she said there wasn't enough change to break a freaking twenty dollar bill, which meant that we had to break it amongst ourselves and then get change from the restaurant across the street because they were out of change.

So, I was unusually irate about all of this (note: my horoscope for today says: You might try to keep your feelings to yourself as the Moon returns to cool Virgo today, but you won't likely be able to prevent an emotional eruption. You have run out of patience and may think that you have to do something immediately or you'll lose your chance. Just remember that initiating action is easy now, but you won't be able to just hit the undo button tomorrow.). Usually I let such ridiculousness slide, and might not have said anything, but Katrina had been chatting up the owner (Jesse) earlier, and when he came by at the end, she very politely/cheerfully told him about the late food and the lack of change. He seemed totally sympathetic at first, and at first I calmed down. But then I walked out and realized that he hadn't really given much of an apologize. Nor had he asked what he could do the change the situation - if nothing else, I think he should have comped Katrina's food or at least her tea, and/or gone to get more change.

At that realization, I went nearly incandescent with anger. Samovar's service problems clearly stem from an owner who doesn't quite know how to apologize and doesn't attempt to make customers happy again, and who uses the 'zen' aspects of teamaking to excuse slow, sloppy service and food prep (their menu even says that the modern world is too hectic to appreciate tea, and that everyone should just slow down and wait). And if they stem from the owner, they're not going to improve. And, like so many things in my life (and this is not a trait I'm proud of), Samovar has disappointed me for the last time and I'm going to cut it out of my heart despite my love for it.

If you stuck through that rant, you deserve a cookie (I would give you a scone, but since I'm not going back to Samovar, you'll have to settle for a scone from somewhere else). Post-Samovar, I was too angry to continue to hang out and realized that, like a small child who hasn't slept enough, perhaps I needed a nap and some quiet time. So I abandoned my friends, came home, took a nap, did some dishes, talked to my parents (of course), and then finally started doing the work I was supposed to do this weekend. I didn't quite get through all of it, but I judged five contest entries, took care of some spreadsheet stuff, and thought a little bit about my upcoming agent conversation. The next few days are going to be hectic, but hopefully my rage will subside and clarity will replace it.

Now, though, I should really sleep; I have to see Alyssa tomorrow, and I've got a ton to do both before and after to get my week off on the right foot. Goodnight!

where the world ends

Today was a rather stressful day, thankfully interrupted by a lovely dinner with Natasha and Chris. I was freaking out a bit about the whole visa situation, which culminated in receiving an email back from the consulate around 4pm saying that there were no other documents they would accept, but that I could get a proof of change of address paper from the DMV in lieu of a new driver's license. I madly checked the DMV website and discovered that the Redwood City DMV was open until 5pm, but closed tomorrow due to the fact they have no money, and closed Monday for Martin Luther King day. So I threw everything in my bag (except my dry cleaning, which will have to stay at the office until Tuesday) and dashed for my car, then drove frantically to Redwood City. I arrived by 4:30, took a number, and was out the door by 4:45 $5 poorer but holding a priceless sheet of paper verifying that my address is indeed my address. Provided that the consulate actually accepts it, it appears that everything worked out; I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to drop off my application in person, so if they approve it I will have a visa Monday or Tuesday. That's much better than spending the weekend wondering how long the wait at the DMV would be on Tuesday or Wednesday (not to mention that the big boss will be back next week and I won't have time for such shenanigans).

I didn't really have time for such shenanigans today either, but better today than sometime in the next two weeks. I slogged violently the rest of the day, and then took a break after the DMV to have dinner with Natasha (and later Chris, who joined late). We went to Yume Sushi in Sunnyvale, which I had never been to before, but it was utterly delicious, and the server was incredibly friendly (particularly after she accidentally broke the ice by inadvertently laughing when she overheard Chris say to me 'do you have sparkly shit in your hair?'). It was lovely to catch up - they went to Costa Rica over the holidays for a slightly belated honeymoon, and I'm incredibly jealous of the fun times they had (Katie - take note!)

Dinner wrapped up a little after eight, and I made the annoying trek back to the evil city, where I even more annoyingly worked from the time I got home until midnight. But, I got a ton of stuff accomplished that I needed to get accomplished, which will clear up any need to work over the weekend. That means that I can spend the weekend doing exactly what I need to be doing, which is writing up a storm. Of course, I have to get through tomorrow first, which will necessitate more slogging + a trip to the visa processing office, but the weekend is so tantalizingly close! And on that note, it's time for bed!

pick up the receiver i'll make you a believer

Ah, drama, how I have missed you...and yet now that you have returned to my life, how I wish that you had stayed away. I'm currently grappling with a visa issue that will likely turn out to be nothing, but is just annoying enough to have me the slightest bit concerned. The matter at hand is that the application for an Indian visa requires proof of residence in the form of a driver's license or major utility bill. And the unfortunate truth is that while I changed my address with the DMV several months ago, they do not issue new licenses for change-of-address changes, and so I can't use my driver's license. And, since I moved in with Adit, absolutely none of the utilities are in my name. Theoretically they deal with this issue all the time since there are plenty of roommates, recently-moved people, etc. who apply for visas, and I do have three previous Indian visas with no history of bad behavior, so I'm hopeful that I can throw a whole bunch of other documents at them and they will have mercy upon me. The only other option is to lie about my address, which is fine in theory until I get caught and banned, so mercy will have to do.

I wasn't going to tell this story because my parents read this blog and if I were to not get an Indian visa it would spell disaster for the trip my dad and I are taking -- but, I have had drama before previous trips to India (the liquids plot was discovered the day before I left in 2006, which meant we had no liquids at all on the whole 24hr trip; when I moved to India in 2005, I lost my passport the week before I was supposed to go and had to run all over the whole city to replace it and get a visa), so I am relatively confident that this will all resolve itself. Luckily I can drop it off in San Francisco myself rather than mailing it in and hoping for the best, so it should be fine.

Beyond that, today was a busy day; I had a few meetings in the morning, and a checkup with my doctor regarding my crazy reaction to the tetanus shot. She was clearly annoyed at the nurse who gave me the vaccine, since the woman gave me tetanus and pneumonia less than half an inch apart, which is a) a no-no and b) means they don't know which shot I reacted to. But, she didn't think the arm was infected and determined that it will be fine if I keep applying heat to it (yum, cooked tetanus), so despite the 3+" knot in my arm, I am now cleared to start taking my typhoid vaccine ;)

I spent the rest of the day and night slogging; I have a lot to do before I go to India, and so it's going to be a busy couple of weeks. Now, though, I should really get some sleep so that I can start it all again tomorrow -- goodnight!

all my friends say that of course it's gonna get better

Today was pretty much awful again -- not as awful as yesterday, but the shock and horror of yesterday was replaced by rage and sadness today, while at the same time I felt required to keep it together so that I could "lead through the changes" with my team. The fact that I just started crying out of nowhere while taking care of some stuff a few minutes ago is a pretty good sign that I'm emotionally maxed out -- the highs and the lows of the past three days have been and continue to be so intense that I'm having trouble coping.

By 4pm, I was tapped out, so I decided to leave. I stopped at Starbucks to get caffeine for the road...and ran into Ziv, Vickie, Erin, Will, and Brittany, who were all on the team I managed before I took my leave of absence last year. I ended up hanging out with them until seven; it was really great to spend some quality time with them, particularly since Ziv went to law school and Will works out of San Bruno, which means I rarely see them. The quality time together was really good and I think I needed to hang out with people -- but at the same time, I feel more guilt and personal responsibility for my old team than I probably should, and so I was a bit of a mess on the way home, and so I'm going to go to bed early in hopes that some sleep will help me to recover my balance.

But, as with yesterday, the intense lows were balanced by intense highs. The agent who contacted me yesterday, and whom I sent my query letter and manuscript to, said she was really eager to read it and would get back to me by Monday if I promised not to accept other representation in the meantime. She may totally hate it, but her response today was good. I made an appointment with a photographer to get a real headshot next Tuesday, so I'm looking forward to spending money at Sephora this weekend (I realized in the photos that Katie took that my eyebrows sort of disappear halfway over my eyes, and while I do have a Sharpie and could draw them in, I would probably be better served by getting an eyebrow pencil). I also heard that one of my friends who I thought got let go yesterday was actually just the subject of an unfounded rumor, so that was a bit of relief in an otherwise-bleak landscape.

We'll see how tomorrow goes -- I'm kind of hoping for some boredom, because I don't think I can take a fourth day of new and surprisingly intense emotions in a row. At least the weather here will be lovely; perhaps I'll take a walk and let the crackheads in my neighborhood entertain me. Goodnight!

get right to the heart of matters, it's the heart that matters more

I'm operating through some pretty ridiculous emotional swings right now. I'm also operating on a venti mocha, which served as my supper, so bear with me. But if you've seen the news, you'll know that about 200 people in my company were laid off today, which made for the most unpleasant day of my career coming exactly one day after one of my wildest dreams came true. Ridiculous, eh?

I wasn't laid off, but some members of my team were affected (how's that for manager-speak?), as were some of my friends. While I won't comment on the decisions, anything like this is obviously rough, and while I managed to keep it together for the team, I was (and remain) really sad for the individuals involved.

That's really all I can say about that -- it sucked, and tomorrow will suck, and next week will suck. But in the midst of all that suckiness, bright spots emerged -- like the fact that an agent, from an excellent agency, whom I had not queried before, cold-emailed me this morning (to my dearsara@sararamsey email address, which means she did her homework) asking to see my full manuscript. Two days ago, I was despairing in my agent search (prematurely, given that I've been at it for two months and many people search for two years), and now, I have agents reaching out to me. I also spent some quality time distracting myself from my sorrow by looking for a photographer, and I believe I've found someone to do a headshot next week for the official press release. I also had a long conversation with my parents, long conversations with Joy, Alan, and Dave, and a shorter but still helpful conversation with Katrina, so I'm in a better place. And, thankfully, I had a quick lunch with Adit -- I originally intended to cancel, but as the morning wore on, I realized that I really needed a half hour with someone who didn't work there and who could take my mind off of all the awfulness, and he fit the bill perfectly. One of my sins is not relying on my friends enough, but I was glad he came over today; the family time was much needed.

So, that's all. Tomorrow will be a better day because it can't possibly be worse. And at some point I'll recover my equilibrium -- but the blog may be an even crazier place than usual for awhile. Goodnight!

let's melt the sugar

I just made simple syrup, two cakes, and a chocolate ganache. I also frosted two of the cakes that I made last night. This is the most cooking that I've done in months, since living at home made it v. easy to not cook (particularly since my family is unappreciative of my "California-inspired" cuisine). But I'm happy to report that I've got the cake-baking down to a science; I'm much more efficient than I was the first time that I made these things, as evidenced by the fact that my feet don't hurt -- I clearly haven't been standing over the counter mixing stuff long enough to merit foot pain. The only hard part about making these cakes is having them all sitting there taunting me, since out of principle I can't cut them until the official start of the Olympics. And from the taste-tests I took of the batters, each of them is better than the last. I can't wait!

So today was a good day; I am starting to get set up in my new office, although I'm missing a keyboard, a mouse, and the connector necessary to convert my monitor's plug to the different receptor used by my laptop's docking station. I also had lunch with one of my new team leads, which was really great; we hadn't met before today, but I had fun getting to know him at lunch. I'm having lunch with the other one tomorrow, although I know her from previous experience since she reported to me before I went on leave. And the three of us will have a chance to do some more bonding next week, since all of us are going to Ann Arbor. I spent the rest of the afternoon in various meetings of the catching-up variety, then came home to finish the baking.

Tomorrow's going to be a little hectic early on -- I have to be in the office at 8am for a videoconference, but I'm going to leave early so that I can come home and finish prepping for the Olympics. There isn't much left to do, but I have to assemble the cakes, make some spinach-artichoke dip (which I'm dying black -- I found black food coloring at Safeway! miracle!), take out the trash, and shove any remaining detritus in my closet. And then the Olympics start! It's the culmination of a long two-year wait, and I'm so excited I can barely contain myself.

I'm expecting to see some awesome sports performances and some even more awesome controversies -- like the fact that Joey Cheek, America's speed-skating darling from the Torino Olympics in 2006, just had his Chinese visa revoked because he's part of a group of athletes who are advocating for action on the Darfur/Sudan genocide situation. But even better, the guy the athletes selected to carry the American flag in the opening ceremony's parade of athletes is one of the 'Lost Boys of the Sudan', who actually escaped the violence in Sudan and sought refuge in the US. Drama! If you know anything about me, you know I love a good drama, preferably with a high portion of absurdity thrown in for flavor, so this Olympics is going to be right up my alley. Now, though, it's time for bed!