Знаю я, ты помнишь обо мне

I have successfully tracked down a song I heard in Ukraine in 1993, and this is such a feat that I am in awe of my own prowess. Since I don't speak Russian or Ukrainian and yet have a memory for syllables, this song and whatever I remembered of it has haunted me since those early days in Ukraine when we sat in the basement at Viktor's restaurant, eating beefsteak (which was pork) or chickens that had starved to death, finishing up with ice cream out of the finger bowls that we had just used to wash dill off our hands, and listening to a v. earnest band that was trying to entertain us. But the song is "Странник мой", and the lines I remember apparently translate into "My wanderer, my baby / You are not sleeping at this hour. / I know you remember me." This feels like what Taylor Swift would sing if she were Russian, so this checks out.

sssanyway. Ukraine is heavy in my thoughts, and it has moved a bit into my actual day job, which makes it both inescapable and also feels good-ish that I'm not just ignoring it during the day. Today was a long day, since I had a lot of work to do. But I skipped out at 4:30 to get my hair cut, and it was long overdue - I think I got my hair cut sometime during the Delta wave, if that tells you anything, and I've been trimming my own bangs since then. Unfortunately, I think that my bout with covid in January has caused some hair impacts - I feel like I'm losing more strands than usual, and my hair is tangling more frequently. This is a defcon 1 situation (yes, more important than Ukraine) because I'm incredibly vain about my hair and feel that its sleek texture and perfect chocolatey brown color with infinitely interesting red/blonde/white strands means that I am blessed by God (you may think I'm joking, but seriously, my hair is a blessing, and my storytelling ability / people skills / empathy / strategic thinking are all secondary).

So, I got a haircut and added a moisture treatment, and it feels great. I also let the woman upsell me on waxing my eyebrows, which I am not vain about because they look like my granddad's (see: why I have bangs). But I was her last client and she didn't want to go home, so now I look slightly more presentable.

Then, I met up with Sarah-Frances at FNG, which is a block and a half from me ([censored] and I had tater tots there) - it recently reopened with an up-leveled menu, and it was a delight. My hair or my personality scored us a free old fashioned, as per my old skill level at bars, and then we had a super tasty dinner. All in all, it was great to see SF and great to know that the bar closest to my house is a contender for top hangout in the aftertimes.

And now I need to sleep - goodnight! 

i see a red door and i want to paint it black

Another day, another doomscroll through the apocalypse. I had a quiet day at work, since I had a no meeting Friday on top of a no meeting week, which meant it actually got honored and I didn't have to talk to anyone at all over video today. So, I was able to get some actual work done, although there are still some tings I need to do (which is tough, since I'm driving back to Colorado this weekend).

All in all, it was a v. quiet day, although my dad did stop by and drank some iced tea while admiring my carpet and telling [censored] and me the latest about what he was hearing from Ukraine. One of our friends (whom we call Little Sergey for reasons that now don't matter since we don't keep in touch with the other Sergeys we knew, which is a real shame because Sergey Pickup was a nice name) evacuated from Kiev with his family (and the older daughter's boyfriend, whom they had never met, which probably made for an extra bit of interest on an already-tense car ride), headed for some resort in western Ukraine that his company had rented to evacuate employees to. The friend and the daughter's boyfriend wouldn't be able to leave Ukraine now since men 18-60 aren't allowed to leave in case they need to be mobilized, but at least they aren't in the city. Our other friend (Svetlana) stayed put, but she's an hour south of Kiev; her son just turned eighteen, so they can't leave either. And our friend Vova, whom some of my college friends met during one epic dinner party at my apartment in ~2014, was already out of Ukraine with all of his family except his father and sister, so hopefully they stay safe.

Still, it's all astonishing and upsetting, so I spent more time reading twitter than getting actual work done. Eventually, around six, [censored] and I picked up takeout from the Mexican restaurant in town (which took longer than usual due to an unusual mixup) and went out to our parents' house to eat. We hung out there for awhile while discussing Ukraine, and while [censored] did some clearing of kitchen drains ([censored] is critical to the upkeep of multiple houses other than his own). Then, [censored] and I came back to my place, moved the sectional back into the living room so that we'd have someplace to sit (even though we hate the sectional), and watched a couple of comedy specials and some news.

And now, I really need to sleep - I need to pack up my car tomorrow, but I also need to get a ton of sleep because I haven't slept enough this week and I need to rest up for the road. Goodnight!

when the sun comes up on a sleepy little town

Honestly, I'm pretty depressed / anxious / angry / sad about the Ukraine situation. Those of you who read this probably know that my family lived in Ukraine for a year when I was twelve, and we went back for a visit in 2007 - all the people my dad got in touch with this weekend in Ukraine didn't think an invasion was happening, so Russia's aggression took them all by surprise.

It's completely crazy to me that we're seeing a massive land/air invasion (against the second-largest country in Europe, to be clear), and also completely crazy to me that 20-30% of the US population will probably casually support Putin on this because Trump says that Putin is very smart, and they because they admire Putin's strong-arm tactics to create a Russian ethnostate and wish to recreate that kind of power in the US. Putin *is* very smart, because he successfully (and provably) used Russian disinformation tactics to 'flood the zone' at various points in the last five years and create extreme confusion and conspiracy theories on American social media, which is a contributing factor to the wedges driven between American groups in the last few years. But I'm hoping that the Ukrainians will be able to hold out, and I'm hoping this stops soon and doesn't domino-effect its way into another world war.

sssanyway. I did have several hours of meetings today, so I couldn't spend all my time doomscrolling. I also had to deal with carpeting - they finished today, which was a day ahead of schedule, and I'm delighted with the results. After they left and I was done with work, I spent some time vacuuming, which is probably a task I will have to repeat regularly for awhile. [censored] and I also went out to our parents' house for dinner - my mom made ham + gluten free mac and cheese, and it was completely delicious. Then we came back to my house, and I did some house stuff, talked to Terry for awhile (it's hard to plan a wedding in a pandemic + a possible world war), got ready for bed, wrote in my journal, etc.

And now, I really need to sleep - even though it's now morning in Ukraine, I'm trying to remember that doomscrolling doesn't actually do anything to help the situation, and I would be better served by getting some sleep instead. Goodnight!

i'm the bad guy

No blog tonight - I had way too many meetings today, so I had no time for anything interesting. I wrapped up around six, and I picked up Mexican takeout for me and my dad. My mom was actually at the same Mexican restaurant for a night out with some women from her church (which was not a surprise, since I knew she would be there and also there are basically no other restaurants in town). But that meant that my dad and I had dinner by ourselves, and we mostly talked about Ukraine (and then a bunch of other stories from when he was younger and did things like drive cattle down the main street in town). And [censored] should be happy to know that we all still intend to have Mexican again this weekend if [censored] is interested.

I hung out at my parents' for a few hours, and then I came back to my house, put on my pajamas, and watched the Olympics. And now I really need to go to bed - I have tomorrow off but I have a lot of things on my to-do list, so I should sleep. Goodnight!

pull it out of park put it in drive

I'm sleepy - I had meetings earlier than usual this morning, and I stayed up for an 11pm version of a meeting that I could have attended tomorrow instead (but I preferred to watch it in my pajamas). Today was good, though - I had some entertaining and bizarre meetings, which are my jam. Then I went to my parents' house, where I gratefully scrounged leftovers for dinner. And then I came back to my house and watched the Olympics before my late meeting - I continue to be astonished and disgusted over the Russian doping issue, and it will be interesting to see what comes of this.

But now, I should really sleep so that I can make it to tomorrow's meetings - goodnight!

this isn't what i signed up for

I had a pretty good day, although I definitely didn't get enough sleep going into it - after staying up way too late reading, I slept fitfully and was awake well before I got my usual 7-7.5hrs. But I pulled myself from bed, made an iced coffee, and showered - since I didn't shower yesterday, I considered this a triumph. Then I had a morning call with Veronica, which was, as always, a delight.

After talking to V, I made more iced coffee, made myself hash browns and fried eggs for lunch, and then did some stuff around the house - laundry, kitchen cleaning, stretching, talking to [censored], etc. I also forced myself to leave the house to get groceries. This was not a big errand, since I am going back to ye olde Iowa for a few days at the end of the week, but I needed a couple of things to get me through so that I don't just eat takeout all week (not that there is anything wrong with that!).

When I got home, I talked to my mom for awhile - she seemed to be doing well, and she called me back to report that a calico cat that had been missing for several days had just turned up, so that was a highlight. Then I made supper (the tuscan sausage and chard pasta that I had made a few weeks ago - so simple, so good), cleaned the kitchen, folded my laundry, etc.

And then I finished the book I was reading last night - it was A GENTLEMAN IN MOSCOW, which I'd started a month ago and then not felt like reading while I was in Iowa. Also I hadn't felt like reading it because I didn't want it to end. But it was incredible, and also right up my alley for obvious reasons:

• I'm obsessed with zee russians
• I'm obsessed with aristocrats and class issues
• I'm obsessed with fancy hotels
• I'm obsessed with fancy meals and fine wines
• I'm currently obsessed with how extroverts make an entire world and life out of a v. constrained environment, which basically describes my pandemic experience

If you don't know why those bullet points are relevant to this book, the basic gist is that, in 1922, as the Bolsheviks are tearing up the old Russia to make way for the new one, a thirty-something aristocrat is sentenced by a tribunal to life under house arrest in the Metropol Hotel in Moscow. He likely should have been shot, but he'd written a poem that inspired the revolution - so they let him live, but he could never leave the hotel again. He was quite the character, and the hotel itself felt like a character, and the period through which the book is set is, of course, fascinating.

sssanyway, I quite enjoyed it and have now spent two hours going down a vast and deep wikipedia rabbit hole instead of sleeping, so it's time for bed.

And finally - happy mother's day to all the mothers out there (especially to mine!), and hugs to those of you whose mothers aren't here to celebrate. I hope you all had a delightful day!

i saw the sun begin to dim and felt that winter wind blow cold

Today was a bust. I'm feeling the 'full year in quarantine' vibes, especially since I couldn't go anywhere today - not that I usually go anywhere, but it's nice to theoretically have the option of walking down the street to my favorite card shop, or drive over to the mall to pick up something unnecessary at Nordstrom. We were supposed to get the biggest snowstorm ever in Denver today, and as of sunset it had maybe snowed 2". Inches, not feet, which is what they were predicting. That said, it's snowing pretty steadily now and the weather forecasts are still saying all that snow is on the way, but we'll see what happens overnight.

sssanyway, I was just not in it to win it today. I forced myself to have a call with Laura (an old coworker from many years ago) this morning since we'd already rescheduled a couple of times, and it was great to talk to her, but I definitely felt like I didn't need to spend more time on videoconference than I usually do. Then I talked to Katie just as the snow was starting to fall and we thought we were in for a blizzard, which turned out to be inaccurate. Then I ate some leftover sausages and polenta and thought about getting some stuff done (aka my taxes), and instead talked to Claudia. She was taking a walk and so we were able to catch up uninterrupted...and then when she got home and Téo was awake, we switched to video so I could see zee baby (who is almost one and is walking, so maybe not quite a baby anymore!). And then after all that effort, I watched tiktok videos and took a nap.

But I rallied somewhat this evening - I made perhaps the best batch of chicken tortilla soup that I've ever made, and I'm v. excited to have those leftovers for the next few days. I did some journaling, which always helps my mood. And then I picked up a book that's been sitting on my shelf forever - A GENTLEMAN IN MOSCOW, about a Russian aristocrat who isn't executed by the Bolsheviks because of his prior service to the cause, but is confined to house arrest for life in a Moscow hotel. I'm not so far in, but I'm loving it so far - but that's to be expected, since I find Russia fascinating (see: my history minor in college, which was mostly classes about Russia and totalitarianism) and also this guy is basically living the quarantine life since he can get things delivered but can never leave and just thinks about redecorating (again, I'm very early into the book, I'm guessing he doesn't just redecorate all the time).

And now, even though I am tempted to keep reading, I think I'll go to bed and attempt to set myself up for success with the time change. Goodnight!

you've been chasing new things, falling out of love with molly

Today took some unexpected twists and turns, and I should have gone to bed two hours ago, but I think I shall survive. I woke up this morning feeling strangely apathetic and uninterested in my writing, despite having set up my internet blocks to try to enforce productivity, so I quite frankly wasted the morning (I didn't even make coffee - and I don't know if that's a sign of how bad my morning was, or if that's the reason my morning was bad). But I think it was really because I hadn't heard back from my editor yet, which made it difficult to focus.

However, I did do some admin-type stuff, so that's all good. And I eventually forced myself to write several pages in the afternoon, and I'll totally take them. I ended up hearing back from my editor around seven tonight, but I haven't read the feedback yet - but I think that's what I'll be doing in the morning before I get roped in to helping friends with a variety of activities.

I probably should have kept working tonight, but instead I took a shower (bold move, I know) and walked down to Civic Center Plaza, where there was an outdoor event in honor of some temporary installation of giant inflatable rabbits. It was a classic San Francisco scene - food trucks with absurdly long lines, a mix of people in festival clothes / people in just-got-off-work clothes (which further subdivides into the messy fashion fails of most tech workers, the cuter clothes of some upscale city dwellers, and the more formal stuff worn by the denizens of the government office buildings around Civic Center). There were also some people dressed as rabbits or rabbit-adjacent costumes (magicians, carrots). So the people watching was great, and sitting in the sun (until the sun went away) was lovely.

I met John there, who was with his friend Leslie, and we hung out for awhile before deciding to get food. A series of strategic errors were then made, which meant I held down a table alone for twenty minutes, then had drinks with Leslie (whom I had just met) for an hour while waiting for John to get through the food line. He chose MeSoHungry, which had a shorter line than some of the other trucks, but their service was super slow. However, the sliders and fries were super tasty, and I liked Leslie, so it was all good.

At some point more people arrive, whom I knew equally (which is to say that I didn't know them). One girl told some crazy stories, particularly when I found out that she had lived in Russia/Ukraine as a child, so perhaps I'll hang out with her again. Everyone else seemed nice enough...but I'll admit I had a flash of feeling like I shouldn't be hanging out and should be working instead.

But I didn't listen to that flash - when the music was done and they were packing up the chairs, John and I went down the street to Beer Hall, where we had another drink and I continued to tell him about all the animal deaths I witnessed in my youth (I may have told him about the Swingset of Death (tm) tonight, which is usually a good test of future friendship). Then we parted ways after last call, and I took a taxi home (because it was right there and I didn't feel like waiting in a super sketchy area for a Lyft).

And now I must sleep immediately if I have any hope of getting up and putting my own oxygen mask on before assisting others (and that, obviously, if you want me to spell it out, means that I should write in the morning before doing anything for anyone else). Goodnight!

ukraine girls really knock me out

I did way too much today, which has contributed to the fact that my recovery from my cold has stalled. I slept for ten hours, but then I showered, made breakfast/lunch, and cleaned out my kitchen. This was a necessary task, since we had a lot of expired food and the cabinet shelves hadn't been cleaned in...ever. It perhaps didn't have to be done today, but since I want to go grocery shopping and restock in anticipation of my upcoming Olympics festivities, it was probably smart to have done it today.

But by the time I was done, it was three p.m., which is the time I had agreed to meet Kathia for a writing date. So we met up, but I only worked for an hour and a half before throwing in the towel, buying a few groceries, and coming home. Once here, I talked to my parents, then made some chili for supper, then made a test round of pelmini (Siberian meat dumplings) while watching Olympics coverage from yesterday (since I'm woefully behind due to my conference yesterday). Unfortunately, the pelmini were pretty much a failure; for one, I think I needed more salt in the meat, and for another, I tried to make them gluten free and I may have finally met a recipe that I can't recreate sans gluten. The major disadvantage of gluten-free dough is that it doesn't have any stretch whatsoever (that's what the gluten does), and so it was nearly impossible to make a dumpling without tearing the dough unless the dough:meat ratio was too heavy on the dough side. I made four and boiled them up, but I was disheartened by the results, so I tossed the rest of the dough (luckily I had only made a half batch) and put the rest of the meat in the fridge so I can make some weird sans-dough pelmini meatballs tomorrow. Sad times.

So with that failure weighing heavily on me (or perhaps lightly, since it means I won't feel compelled to spend the next four days making and freezing dumplings), I'm going to bed - goodnight!

i call her karma

Today was great, but I didn't do everything I had planned to do during the day. I have no regrets, though. I didn't sleep as much as I should have, since construction noise woke me up early, but I got some rest before dragging myself out of bed and into some clothes so that I could get a manicure. My nails now look fair and lovely, but it took longer than I thought it would, so it was almost 11:30 before I got home. Then I took a bit of a nap, took a shower, ate a snack, and was going to walk to the unconference thing for some selfpub writers that I was going to attend today (I should have mentioned before that I took today off from the day job). But I'm stressed about how far behind I am on Thorington's book, and my room was a mess, and nothing felt particularly orderly, and the idea of walking over to Fisherman's Wharf in the rain to meet with a gathering of writers that didn't include most of the people I wanted to see (the main stuff is tomorrow) filled me with just enough dread that I changed my plans.

So instead, I stayed home and did an awesome job of cleaning up my room and continuing to purge. I need to do a final purge of my closet and clean out my file cabinet, but overall I'm feeling much better and much more centered. I think being a hermit was totally worth it. But I abandoned my hermitage around four p.m. and met up with Kathia for a writing date; we talked for a bit, then wrote for an hour or so, and then had a cocktail at Izzy's. Her husband joined us, and I left them when I finished my drink (although they had almost finished their dinner by the time I left and my intention had been to let them eat without me, so I hadn't ordered a prime rib even though it would have been tasty). But I came home to Terry, who had picked up takeout from Roam for us, and so I got to eat some tasty meat/fries and watch the opening ceremonies.

My feelings about the ceremonies can't be condensed here, but I will try to do so by saying that the past that Russia displayed in their artistic retelling of Russian history was a bit...different than the past I learned about when I got my minor in history (which was basically a minor in Russian history and totalitarianism in general). So I am either the best person or the worst person to watch a Russian Olympics with. But I'm super psyched for the games, and even though I have writer stuff to do all day tomorrow (and a book to write all day Sunday, and really all this month), I'm going to spend some quality time with the tv over the next couple of weeks.

But now I'm exhausted and must sleep so that I can get eight hours and hopefully keep pushing my cold into its grave - goodnight!

although i am broken my heart is untamed still

I have, again, chosen to stay up way too late. BUT IT'S THE OLYMPICS, BITCHES!!! I understand why, due to scheduling, they had to put events on the day before the opening ceremonies, but there is a small part of me that wasn't ready and considers this to be sacrilege. How can some athletes' Olympics experiences be over before the cauldron is lit? Although since it's Sochi, the cauldron may just be a 55-gallon oil drum full of old newspapers, so I guess it's not an issue...

Yes, get ready for lots of vaguely offensive Russian jokes for the next two weeks. You've been warned.

I'm definitely feeling better today than I was earlier this week, but I'm still not 100%. I went to the gym and trained with Alyssa, which may have been a mistake; while it was good to loosen up a bit, I was sweating profusely over v. minor exercises, so I think my body wasn't quite ready for primetime. But I showered, managed to put myself together, and went to the office, where I got enough stuff done to almost feel okay with the fact that today was the only day I went in this week. I'm taking tomorrow off, so I wanted to be productive today, and I guess I mostly succeeded. Then I met Terry for dinner in the south bay so we could sit out traffic, and then we came home and watched the first night of coverage (skating was hilarious; I don't really like slopestyle; Bob Costas should have avoided getting Russian tap water in his eye). I also did a bit more work so that I can put my work laptop away for the weekend sans guilt.

But now I must sleep so that I can get up an accomplish personal stuff tomorrow (namely a 9:30am manicure that I scheduled in my illness haze - why was I dumb enough to do that?) - goodnight!