come back baby, rock and roll never forgets

A year ago right now, I was on a plane bound for Bora Bora and my spinster honeymoon with Joann. That means that a year ago yesterday, I left my job. It's hard to believe it's been a year - and hard to believe that year was so hard, in a lot of ways, even though there were also wonderful and serendipitous and beautiful moments within the chaos.

Maybe I had to hit the anniversary to really feel like I'm cranking and moving forward - the writing has been going a lot better lately, and today was great despite not having a full day to devote to the words. But I was getting there before the anniversary - it was the first six months after leaving that were hard, and just as I was coming out of that, my personal drama ramped up, which was a totally shitty way to end 2015 (although losing weight because I was too angry to eat over the holidays was an interesting approach to holiday dieting! not recommended, but interesting!).

But then Hawaii + all the great things that have happened with my writing since then + trips to SLO/Guerneville/Sonoma/Iowa (with an inadvertent stop in Denver)/Milwaukee helped me to reset, and I'm in a much better place than I was. And that probably means I can't get a job again unless I'm confident that I want to stop writing full-time and never do it again - every time I leave a full-time job is a massive adjustment, and now that I'm over the mountain range and into the promised land, I can't self-sabotage that journey by getting a job and starting the clock from scratch.

[note: remind me to delete this post if I ever apply for a job]

So, if you were one of the people who helped me to get through all of that, thank you. It's been good to get my social life back since leaving work, and I'm pretty fortunate to have such a strong group of friends (even if those friends are reproducing like crazy and so can't go to Grubstake at three a.m. quite so often). And if you weren't one of the people who helped me get through all of that -- well, either I didn't expect you to, or I've already cut you. Cheers!

sssanyway. I've got the anniversary on my mind because I had drinks with several people I used to work with tonight; Viviana, Yune, Shannon, Jen, and I met up at Steins, which I hadn't been to since someone else's going away party over a year ago. I had mostly been avoiding hanging out with coworkers for the past few months because I felt like I needed more of a clean break than I had given myself, but it was really good to see them - they of course filled me in on all sorts of drama and gossip. And while I really do sometimes miss working with a team, and feeling like I'm working towards something with other people, it was a good reminder that there are also great things about my current life that I don't want to give up - like my freedom to travel and set my own schedule, and the fact that I don't have to deal with annoying people very often, and the fact that (other than the occasional personal drama) I'm a lot less angry than when I was working, since I have fewer things to stew over when I'm not dealing with interpersonal workplace drama.

So that was all good. And like I said, it was great to see them, even if the drive home was terrible (it took an hour at 8:45pm because there was an accident just before the city), and the drive down was also terrible. But the drive down was broken up because I met up for a writing date with Anne in San Carlos. We tried a Starbucks we'd never been to before (we could do that every day for a couple of months, probably), and it was quiet and conducive to writing, so that was great. Of course, we talked for like an hour, but that was good. And I got enough done between that session + all the writing I did from home this morning that it wasn't a total wash. I also had an idea for the narrative structure for SPINSTER HONEYMOON (the book, not last year's trip) that I need to play around with, but it was exciting enough that I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget it. I think I'll take some time to mess around with it soon, either while I'm waiting for feedback from my editor on my current project or right after this next book comes out - it's something I think I'm meant to write, and I don't want to wait too long to start.

And now, I think it's time for bed - today was fun, but I am hitting real crunch time with the deadline and it's time to get serious. Goodnight!

bangs for days

Hello. Is it me you're looking for?

Nevermind, I was trying to switch things up, and it's clear that it didn't work :(

sssanyway. Today was mostly lovely, all things considered. I slept later than I should have, probably because I'm old and was still recovering from Saturday night. But I spent the morning getting some work done, and then I went to Mangosteen to eat pho because it was cold outside (and by cold I mean it was cloudy) and I wanted something warm and brothy and spicy. And then I spent the afternoon napping, showering, listening to a couple of songs from 'Hamilton', and writing some more (yes, this is all v. exciting).

But I left the house again (shocking, I know) because I had to meet up with some old coworkers for drinks. Lisa, who used to report to me (long ago - she's in her second year of business school, so she left last year, well before I did), is in town, and she had asked some of us to get together for drinks in the evil city tonight. Since that was in the cards, I had dinner with Dave beforehand - we went to Hopwater, which I hadn't been to before, but was conveniently close to the bar (and to my house, although Dave gave me a ride there so I wouldn't get raped/murdered). Hopwater is mostly a beer place, but the wine was sufficient enough, and the cider that Dave got seemed tasty. We split some dungeness crab tater tots (these weren't tots at all...they seemed more like croquettes, although they were good), some deviled eggs (mine are better), and some beef sliders (tasty) while catching up on life, so that was all good.

Then we went to the bar, and I'm glad we went together since we were the first people there and it would have been bad to show up by myself. We were shortly joined by Tom (who is in the throes of wedding planning, and blanched when I mentioned that I'll be in Hawaii for his wedding (which I'm not invited to - I'm actually going for a conference)), and Lisa (the party host) eventually showed up, as did Manuela (who also used to report to me). This was all lovely, of course, and I would rather see these people over drinks than over free lunch in Mountain View, even if Dave did mention later that the wine made me snippier (someone I didn't know was talking about her current job at a startup + hedge funds, and I said, 'keep saying words', which maybe didn't go over so well, oops).

sssanyway again. I only stayed at drinks for an hour, and then I availed myself of the opportunity to get a ride home (see: risk of getting raped/murdered). And now I'm going to go to bed, hope that tonight's wine (moderate, really) didn't undo my recovery from Saturday, and get excited about writing + personal grooming tasks tomorrow - goodnight!

i won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Today was almost entirely spent socializing, along with some massive pain because my thirty-four-year-old body is suddenly old and decrepit. I woke up and my neck still hurt, which put a serious cramp (lol) in my plan to write before socializing - instead, I sat at my table and researched/ordered a cushion for my preferred writing chair, since I think part of the problem is that my dining table is slightly too high to be a desk for my short frame.

But eventually, despite the pain, I rallied and drove to Half Moon Bay to pursue my fun activities. Driving was probably ill-advised, since I have trouble looking to the right (which is kind of critical for merging), but I had fun plans and didn't want to cancel them. The plan was to have tea with ladies - and by ladies I mean Joann and Jen, since there were several things for the three of us to celebrate over the past couple of months and we were never able to get together for them.

We went to the Ritz, since I love that place, although it's obviously absurdly overpriced. But we sat in the conservatory and split a bottle of prosecco, some cheese and charcuterie, some delish fries, and some oysters, which are pretty much all my favorite things. And then we took a desultory walk along the coastal trail, through the mist and fog that obscured most of the ocean view - San Francisco and Half Moon Bay have returned to their usual foggy situations, and it's misting in the city tonight, which is both an awesome and terrible return to form after last week's epic heat. Despite the fog, I always love Half Moon Bay, and it was nice to get some quality time with Joann and Jen that didn't involve some or all of us having to get off work and speed to some other part of the bay area for a rushed dinner on a Tuesday or something.

Finally, though, it was time to part ways...just in time, since my ibuprofen had worn off ages earlier and my head was starting to hurt just as badly as my neck, so I stopped at Rite Aid and bought some Aleve and a bottle of water to try to make it through the drive home. When I got here, I crawled into bed with my heating pad wrapped around my neck (I don't think you're supposed to do that) and slept for an hour; that, plus the Aleve, plus more ibuprofen, made it possible for me to rally for dinner, even though I'm probably shredding my stomach lining in an attempt to get through this. Yes, poor me.

But I got out of bed, put on clothes again, and pursued the second plan of the night...dinner with Andrew and Dave, my former coworkers from a lifetime ago. Dave and I both left our team while Andrew was in Paris, and in our joint goodbye conference call we'd committed to having dinner or drinks or something to say goodbye (since Andrew missed my epic going away party where I consumed far too many shots of tequila). Andrew got back in July, just as I was leaving for NYC...so it has taken two months to get the plan to actually come together, since multiple people canceled multiple times.

But with My Tofu House (which Andrew and I both, apparently, independently adore) as the lure, especially on a foggy night, we didn't cancel this time. So we caught up on all sorts of shenanigans while eating soft tofu soup, which was vastly entertaining and a) made me really miss my coworkers while b) being extremely glad that I no longer have coworkers. Given our respective schedules and the fact that Andrew moved to the Haight rather than living two blocks from me, I don't know if this is destined to happen again anytime soon...but it was certainly a ridiculous way to end the weekend.

And now I'm going to pop all the painkillers, go to bed, and hope that my neck pain subsides enough that I can put in some solid work before training with Alyssa tomorrow. Goodnight!

and you would hide away and find your peace of mind

Today was a really long day, filled with much socializing, much to the detriment of Rafe and Octavia. I woke up this morning shortly before the earthquake...actually, I woke up at 4:30 and dozed fitfully after that, but I was out of bed when two quick jolts reminded me that I really need to stock up on water again.

But I crawled back into bed and tried to sleep a little longer, since I really didn't sleep all that well last night, and I certainly didn't sleep well the night before. It was a lost cause, though, so I got dressed in a very surly fashion and went to the cafe, where I worked for an hour and tried to get the coffee flowing through my system so I wouldn't die (success, I guess, since I'm still alive, but I was still pretty tired despite the caffeine).

Then I went to the south bay to train with Alyssa. My body was moving worse than it has in months, which is an alarming and immediate side effect of not getting enough sleep and spending too much time this weekend sitting on my couch and staring at my laptop. However, Alyssa had also done a training/certification this weekend and clearly wanted to practice some of the stuff she learned, so we did a lot of breathing/motion exercises. I eventually did a bit of kettlebell work, but barely enough to break a sweat. But given the fact that everything hurt this morning when I woke up, this was probably a good thing.

Anyway, I left Alyssa, showered, and then sped over to my old place of employment for a quick lunch with Lillian (whom I went to India with in February, if you recall). Then she escorted me into my old building, where I crashed a party for Tomas and Andrew; things have really gone downhill, since I would have had champagne at such a function (instead of bread pudding, which I obvi can't eat, although everyone else seemed to enjoy it). But it was good to hang out for a little bit and say hi to the people who were around.

Then, I dragged Tomas, Viviana and Jen over to coffee lab with Dave, which felt v. strangely like old times. These are the moments when it's hard to believe I left three months ago, rather than three days ago. So the five of us had coffee and gossiped (two of my favorite things!), and then Viviana and Jen left us, and then Tomas eventually tired of telling me that he's never going to hang out with me, so he left as well. But Dave gave me a ride back to my car, thus sparing me from having to walk a couple of blocks in wedges in 90+-degree heat, and I made it off campus at a respectable hour...

...but then I had to kill a couple of hours in Mountain View before dinner. I was supposed to write, and I did a bit of writing at Starbucks, but Starbucks was way too hot and way not conducive to writing. Eventually, I was able to leave that terrible place and meet up for pho with a bunch of super-oldschool people from my former place of employment. My usual friendship renewal dinner was supposed to be tomorrow, but I'd asked them to move it to today so I wouldn't have to drive down again, and that inadvertently meant merging it with another old-school group of similar tenure. We calculated, and between the ~10 of us who were there, the cumulative length of time we've spent employed at the goog is ~94 years. Lol.

sssanyway, it was great to catch up with the usual friendship renewal suspects, and to weirdly catch up with the people in the other half of the mega-dinner whom I never see. Some of us stayed after for shaved ice next door, which was tasty (but maybe not worth the lines). And then I drove home as fast as I could without getting pulled over, since I'm desperate to go to sleep.

But tomorrow is way less social, and way more writerly, with a massage thrown in there somewhere to try to fix my woes. Goodnight!

more than a feeling

I had a lovely, rather unusually nice day today, with a decent combination of work + playing hooky + homemaking to keep me energized. I got up earlyish and was at the cafe by 8am, where I did an hour and a half of work before Kathia picked me up for our day's adventure. We went up to Sonoma to hang out for a few hours, and it was totally delightful - it was quite warm up there, which gave me a chance to wear the awesome black sundress I bought for Bora Bora (but never got around to wearing there). We wandered around the square for awhile, eventually settling down at a cafe to have a glass of champagne since the tasting rooms weren't open yet (how dare they not serve wine at 10:30am on a Tuesday!).

But eventually things did open, and we had a leisurely, totally delicious lunch at The Girl and the Fig. We split some radishes (not my fave, but they were good enough) and a bowl of their corn bisque (totally my fave), and then we each had a steak, which made my heart and my stomach happy. We also had wine flights (whites for me and picpoul for Kathia, which is a white varietal that I'd never heard of before), and the sommelier was so freaking excited about explaining the picpoul flight that it was v. adorable to watch.

Eventually, though, Kathia abandoned me so that she could get a massage (the reason she was going to Sonoma; I was along for the ride), and so I wrote for an hour and a half while nursing an iced tea against the heat at another cafe's outdoor patio. Then she picked me up and we made it back to the city by four, which was perfect - I desperately needed to do laundry tonight in preparation for my trip, and I also wanted to clean my bathroom, unpack the picture frames I ordered a month ago to make sure none of them were broken before the return deadline passed, etc., etc.

So, all of that was duly accomplished, and I only spent an hour or so messing around on the internet and distracting myself in the meantime. Oh, and I took a nap, but that was v. necessary after the wine+writing+sun. And now you know everything I care to tell you, and I must sleep so that I can write before the gym tomorrow - goodnight!

i would do anything for love (but i won't do that)

My hangover this morning wasn't all that epic, but there was a point where I certainly didn't feel well...but that could have been from eating steak at eleven p.m. after drinking whisky on an empty stomach, and not necessarily from sheer quantity of alcohol consumed (which wasn't really all that much). However, I managed to drag myself out of bed, shower, and make it to the San Francisco office in time for lunch with Natalie, who was one of the people on the team I used to work on. It was great to catch up with her, and we talked about the fun stuff I've missed since my departure ('fun' may not be entirely accurate), writing, life, etc.

So, that lovely interlude put my in a great mood...and then I followed it up with a facial, which made things even better. Then I came home, sent some emails, and decided that I needed to get out of the house. So I went to Another Cafe, where I did a few hours of busy-work and spent some quality time talking to Hugo, who has made me exceedingly glad that I don't have to study for the bar exam like he does.

By sevenish, though, I was done, so I came home, ate a sandwich, messed around online, and painted my nails. And now I'm going to indulge my inner hermit (and my inner hangover) and go to sleep early so that I can be in it to win it tomorrow -- goodnight!

lost control when i panicked at the acid test

I did no writing today, but I have no regrets. I meant to get up early and go to the cafe before seeing Alyssa, but I slept abysmally for reasons that are totally unknown to me - I woke up at 5:30 feeling totally unrested, with a kink in my neck that got worse as the day went on. So, that was annoying, and it kept me in bed - I ended up sleeping from 6:30 to 8:30 (this time much more deeply), and then I messed around the apartment and drank tea and ate eggs until it was time to go to Palo Alto.

Once I got there, Alyssa pursued her nefarious kettlebell agenda, but the workout was good. And, happily, I don't have dengue fever, unlike one of the trainers there whom I hadn't seen around in two weeks (because, as it turns out, he went to the emergency room seven times because he had dengue). So really, when one considers that one could have gotten dengue or chikungunya in the South Pacific and spent the last month miserable, it makes the fact that I haven't finished a book yet (which, let's be honest, was *never going to happen anyway*) totally bearable.

After my workout, I showered, cleaned up my face, and went to my old place of employment for lunch with Alaska Matt. Due to our varied and conflicting schedules, it's unlikely that we'll see each other again in person for awhile, but it was lovely to catch up with him over salads in the sun, and I have high hopes that we'll have lunch over videoconference together occasionally going forward. He was his usual entertaining self, and it reminded me that I need to do a better job of staying in touch with those people whom I love but don't see very often.

But let's be honest again, I suck at that. But maybe I shall make an effort to get better. sssanyway, after parting ways with Matthew, I swung by my old building on a stealth mission to pick up Eugene (I told him to bring me some ibuprofen for my neck and tell no one where he was going, which he duly obliged, even if he did make an uncalled-for joke about how stealing ibuprofen from work was now my only form of health care). We went to the coffee place on campus for a delightful bit of catching up, and I had a triple-shot iced latte solely because it was free, so we'll see how I sleep tonight.

Coffee was supposed to include Tomas and Dave, but Tomas bailed (and sent me a text saying he hated me, which was super sweet), and Dave arrived shortly before Eugene needed to leave. So I basically had the equivalent of two coffee sessions; Eugene took off, and Dave and I caught up too-briefly (but v. nicely) on whatever has happened in our respective lives since the last time we saw each other (pre-Texas). I ended up dropping him off at our old building, and I escaped campus by 3:30 without seeing anyone else, which enabled me to beat some of the traffic and make it home in an hour. Score.

Once I got here, I walked down to the Marina and bought some new running shoes. Then I made an amateur mistake and tried to go to Mezes, forgetting that it's closed on Mondays. So I ended up at Aix, where I had a steak that did a lot of wonderful things for me (I don't think I've had beef since the brisket at the family reunion, and I'm genetically wired to feast far more often on the flesh of my enemies, and by 'my enemies' I mean 'beef'). I also had two glasses of wine, which may have done even more wonderful things for me. And I spent some quality time with my new planner notebook - I haven't set my goals for July yet, but I wrote out everything I want to do this month, and I'm excited to get cracking.

And now, after a delightful uber ride home with a strange and interesting driver whose RV basically blew up recently, and almost falling asleep watching the sunset, and taking my time getting ready for bed, it's time to sleep. Goodnight!

i am done with my graceless heart...so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart

I feel like I've been hit between the eyes with a brick, so it may be time to put down the screens and go to bed. Today was mostly fine, albeit fairly unproductive; I didn't get up as early as intended because the rain soothed me back to sleep after a somewhat restless night, and the rain also kept me from wanting to walk to any cafes this morning, which meant that I got very little accomplished at home. Then I drove to the south bay to see Alyssa; since she'd tortured me on Monday and I had reabused my quads by walking five miles yesterday, the foam rolling and other stretches were fairly brutal, but it was good to see her.

After Alyssa, I showered, grabbed lunch, and then meet a couple of writer friends for a writing date in San Mateo. I didn't get much, but at least I got something. Then I came home, took care of some tings, and met up with Dave for an earlyish dinner in the Marina, which was a straight-up jhoke. We had salads instead of wine, so I won't be hungover tomorrow, but I probably should have stayed home and worked rather than socializing so much - this book isn't going to write itself, and I need to focus a lot more clearly in the next few weeks (months, years) if I'm going to achieve what I want to achieve.

sssanyway, there's time for that tomorrow. Dave gave me a ride home and we parted ways, and then I succumbed to the headache that had been brewing all day (but happily I have health insurance again, so if this turns out to be a tumor, I have coverage! yay!). But I'm hopeful that water and sleep and ibuprofen (my trifecta of wonder drugs) will take care of that so I can write tomorrow. Goodnight!

i'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine

Thank you, reader, for indulging my panic meltdown yesterday. While I'm not going to go so far as to say that my comment about hitting rock bottom yesterday was prophetic, I am certainly in a much better place today...it went exactly how I wanted it to, even if I didn't write again tonight during the second shift like I probably should have. I woke up around 6:45, left the house by 7:30, and ensconced myself in a cafe for an hour and a half, where I wrote four pages that were mostly okayish, and I'm starting to maybe get into Rafe and Octavia's voices. Yay.

But the writing couldn't continue forever; I had to leave to train with Alyssa, who tortured me today, so I expect to be sore tomorrow. After we were done, I made myself clean and shiny again, and then I went back to my former place of employment for an afternoon of socializing. First up was lunch with my former boss, who told me many and varied ridiculous tings. Then, I said hello to some people in my building (but no one shows up to work anymore, apparently, so pickings were slim).

After that, I snuck over to the coffee place, where I had coffee with Eugene, Tomas, and Dave. The barista may have been the happiest of all to see me, and I ordered an extra shot in my iced latte solely because it was free. It was eighteen million degrees in the south bay this afternoon, so we had to sit inside and try not to die, but it was all decent enough. Tomas asked me a lot of questions about my trip (because he actually cares) while Eugene angrily said he'd already seen my photos (because he follows me on instagram) and Dave asked specific but uninformative questions like which seats I sat in on planes (because he'd already heard about my trip and apparently doesn't like listening to me bitch about being stuck in Tahiti overnight, unlike all of you, who have been sooooo understanding about my struggle).

sssanyway, the coffee time was more successful than that description might have led you to believe. But those fools eventually had to abandon me for meetings, so I stuck around and talked to a couple of my former teammates until Dave wrapped up his stuff, and then I gave him a ride back to the evil city. I probably didn't need him as a carpool slave today, since traffic was moving quite nicely on its own, but given that the only reason I stuck around until rush hour to begin with was to hang out with those guys, it was nice to have company on the way home. Once I got here, I did some laundry, ran some errands, ordered some picture frames, etc....none of that was writing, but I'm feeling good about today despite that.

And now, despite the early hour, I'm going to crawl into bed, read for a bit, and hopefully repeat these daring feats tomorrow - goodnight!

i'm gonna take you to bed and love you, i swear, like the end is here

Today was the perfect blend of productive and social...I probably need to keep amping up the productivity so that I can write books faster, but for today, I'll take what I did. I'm still suffering from my sore throat/cough situation, so I let myself sleep in this morning, but I got up at a reasonable hour, folded yesterday's laundry situation, showered, got ready, and mourned the final, ignoble death of my hair dryer (which luckily dried my bangs before departing from this earth, so I didn't curse its memory as much as I might have).

After all of that oh-so-interesting drama, I walked down to soma and set myself up at a Starbucks near my old SF office, where I wrote a couple of pages while drinking an iced latte. This is farther than I would normally walk to find a coffee shop in which to write, particularly since I probably passed ten Starbucks on the way there, but it was worth it for the free lunch I indulged in after. Said lunch was accomplished with Dave and Shanti (not an employee, but I've met her several times since she works for the charity whose gala I went to a couple of months ago). And while it was the first time I went back to the man for free food in almost a month (it will be four weeks on Monday since I quit), this lunch was hydra-like in my ability to get more free food, since I ran into two other people who expressed interest in having me over for lunch. And since I'm having lunch with Sriram on Monday and Gyre on Tuesday, it seems clear that I won't starve for awhile...

Anyway, lunch was fun, and the coffee after was v. restorative. When we were done catching up, we walked Shanti to Caltrain, and then Dave and I took a detour to the mall, where I bought a new hair dryer at Sephora and Dave picked up something at Nordstrom. Our errands thus accomplished in extremely efficient fashion, we parted ways, and I completed my fiveish miles of walking by walking back to my apartment, where I attempted to rectify the sticky situation that was my hair (#protip: don't shop for hair dryers with someone who is bored and may spray you with every hair product in the vicinity), and then took a nap (#protip: naps are awesome).

But I dragged myself out of my slumber to spend a delightful evening with Vidya (aka Chandlord, aka Vidius Chandicus, aka my brother from another mother). We met at a new wine bar that opened at Post and Leavenworth, which is five blocks from me and a couple of blocks from her, and it was v. nice to find another place where we can meet for a drink (as though that has been a problem for us...). So we had two glasses of wine and some cheese there, and we were supposed to part ways after that...but her late evening plans got pushed back, so we proceeded to Benjamin Cooper (the successor to Big, which Chandlord was a big fan of several years ago), where we had some tasty whisky cocktails mixed up by Vincent and Alex.

Whisky was entirely unnecessary at that point in the evening, but it was good to properly catch up with my landlord after several weeks apart. Also, I think I paid for her cocktail at Benjamin Cooper, but it's worth it not to get evicted. We eventually parted ways, and she went off to be a hip young person in Oakland while I came home to eat tuna salad on toast and consider watching a movie (but realizing I'm too tired to watch a movie). Par for the course, I guess.

And now I shall sleep so that I can write in the morning before my aggressive socializing commences -- goodnight!

she's a butcher with a smile

It's possible that today was the most brutal day I've had since I left my day job -- and I include the disastrous day when I was stranded in tropical hell (aka Tahiti) in that definition. I had an unusually abysmal time sleeping last night -- I think I netted less than two hours, which made this morning an exercise in pain. But I managed to drag myself out of bed, and I took the odd step of showering before going to the gym just so I would wake up, which I think was a decent tactic.

Despite the shower, I almost bailed on Alyssa; the idea of driving to the south bay seemed like an idiotic move, but I knew that if I didn't do it, I probably wouldn't leave the house at all. So I sucked it up and went to Palo Alto, which ended up feeling great; we did cleans and snatches, and while my fatigued self probably slammed the bell into my own wrist more often than usual, it was good to get some exertion in.

But you know I was tired when I say that I skipped lunch altogether, bought a coffee at Philz, and drove home with nothing but caffeine to make up for my workout calories. When I got here, I napped off and on most of the afternoon - it was truly impossible to contemplate doing anything productive, so I just laid around on the couch and on my bed and tried to think of nothing.

This was mostly successful, and I was mostly revived in time to take a shower and meet Dave for a late(ish) dinner/drinks at Monk's Kettle. It could have been earlier, since his bus was stuck in some sort of traffic debacle, but as it turned out, we got really lucky - the 1hr+ wait I was quoted when I put my name in turned into ten minutes when I agreed to take an outdoor table (while Dave was still looking for parking - #protip, never drive to the mission), and while the fog and wind conspired to make the sidewalk chilly, the heat lamps and the three glasses of wine and the risotto and the delightful conversation kept my insides warm. I hadn't seen Dave since my last day at work, so we had a lot to catch up on. Not that there was enough time to catch up on everything...we used to see each other every day, so three weeks is a lifetime of stories to share. But it was good to hang out, and he gave me a ride home, which my unemployed self appreciated (I mean, my employed self would have appreciated it too, but I cared about budgets much less when I was making a corporate salary and a writing salary at the same time).

sssanyway, as is probably clear, I'm short on sleep and long on wine, so I should probably go to bed before that combination results in a lot of gibberish typing. Goodnight!

just the sky the moon and us

Even in the rain, Bora Bora is lovely. It was overcast most of the day, but it was still great for relaxing, and I'm feeling quite at peace with the world at the moment. I woke up at six am (so weird) and sat on the deck with my journal and my phone and some bad coffee, watching the water and catching up on things back home and contemplating life. When Joann woke up, we sat on the deck some more, and then took full advantage of the complimentary breakfast buffet by stuffing our faces like crazy people.

After that was over, we mostly laid around, sat around, read, talked, and drank wine. At some point we decided to test out our snorkels; we're  doing a half day snorkeling thing tomorrow and we wanted to make sure our swimming lessons had adequately prepared us for the experience of having fish in our face. Even though it was raining and we were in the tamest part of the hotel lagoon, it was pretty freaking awesome - the fish were gorgeous, and I was v v pleased to discover that I could keep my face in the water the whole time without panicking at all. So I think tomorrow will be awesome (unless I'm eaten by a shark, in which case I hope my family is at least able to bury my arm Stonewall Jackson style even if the rest of me ends up in a watery (or stomachy) grave).

Then we cleaned ourselves up and ate dinner at the sunset bar (sans sunset), where the sushi was surprisingly good and surprisingly filling. And then, in an effort to stay awake, I finished the book I started this morning (Wallbanger, which I thought was only meh despite the rave reviews I'd heard). Now, alas, I must sleep so I can get up in time for another epic breakfast before snorkeling - goodnight!

lonely and dreaming of the west coast

I'm sitting on the plane from LA to Tahiti, so this must be brief....but suffice it to say that the spinster honeymoon is off to a great start. So is my unemployment - today was pretty much perfect for the first six hours, until I suddenly realized I was at serious risk of not having packed anything for the trip.

I woke up at 5:20 like I was still employed, but then I went back to sleep because mornings are stupid. But I woke up again at 6:45, messed around on my phone like a lazy wench, and eventually went to Philz to get an wary morning coffee and write my packing list while people watching. It was totally lovely, and I'm excited for that to become part of my routine. Then I came home and had to shower rather than running errands because a bird shat on my head for the first time ever (a fear I've always had in the city).

After that trauma, I needed some therapy, so I went to the mall and bought stuff for my trip and ate lunch. And then I realized I was running out of time, so I frantically packed (which means I overpacked, which means I have a ridiculous amount of stuff with me). But I made it to the airport in time to have dinner with Joann before boarding our flight to LAX (possibly the worst airport ever).

And now we're waiting to take off, and I'm super excited about fun in the sun (even if I'm not excited about this overnight flight). Goodnight!

i'm gonna love you like a black widow baby

The day job is over. Today was a v. bittersweet day; I thought I was an old pro at resigning, but I felt more emotional today than I expected to. Perhaps it was because I didn't sleep all that well last night; perhaps it was because I like a lot of my coworkers and will be sad to not work with them anymore; perhaps it's because my life has been completely full of change over the last couple of months as I upended everything and pushed to create the life I want out of the detritus of the past, and the latent stress of all that change is catching up to me despite the fact that I want all of it v. eagerly.

Whatever it was, I had a good day, but I felt slightly closer to tears than I expected to feel (but still far enough away to maintain my stoic demeanor). I got up early, got to campus a little before seven, and worked at the coffee place for the last time until almost nine. This was all day job stuff, since I wanted to get through a few last-minute items (success), but sitting there probably just compounded the bittersweetness, since I liked the coffee routine even if that's absurdly early for my normal night owl state.

Dave showed up at some point, so we grabbed a final breakfast (something chilequile-ish?)...and it was a sign of the end times that we ate it at the cafe rather than rushing to our desks for the 9am meeting that neither of us are required to go to anymore. Then I went to my building, had a last meeting with my boss (who asked me to set up a monthly lunch with him...clearly he has not lost hope that he can lure me back someday), did a bit more work, and packed up my desk.

Maybe the packing caused the emotions - I was going through stuff that I had the last time I worked there, some of which was now many years old, and I ended up tossing a lot of it. I remember that I took three boxes with me to work when I started two years ago, and today I only brought home one box, which would include some of the things I got in the past two years. Most of what I tossed is work-specific paraphernalia that I have no use for anywhere else (lava lamp, Mrs. Potato Head, etc.), and by giving or throwing it away, I think there was some sort of subconscious acknowledgement that this is really the end now, rather than my first resignation, which I always suspected on some level was more of a temporary hiatus.

But life is (hopefully) long, and there are many things I may do before the end, and maybe going back to work is one of them. But I'm going to do my damnedest over the next couple of years to make the writing thing work instead.

sssanyway, after packing, I grabbed a final lunch with Dave, Tomas, and Eugene. Tomas was mildly emotional, but Eugene asked if they could put me in a kayak and shoot arrows at me like a Viking funeral, which sounds great except I would be very much alive and also a sitting duck in a nonmoving kayak in a parking lot, so I declined his generous offer. And then I took care of a few more things, did my exit interview, returned my devices, said goodbye to whoever was around, turned in my badge, and left before it all became too much.

So tonight was mildly euphoric, mildly sad, and mostly an exercise in trying to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't be too sad (or too euphoric, I suppose). I took care of some things for my trip, bought tickets for a family reunion, etc., etc. And then I met up with Vidya (aka Chandlord), her former resident Steve, and his fiancée Danielle at Burma Love for a v. late (for me) dinner. I only vaguely know Steve (although I've heard a lot about him), and I've never met Danielle, but it was a really fun excursion - they're getting married in a month, and I'm going on a spinster honeymoon, so it's almost like we're the same people!! (kidding)

And now that I've caught up a bit with Chandlord, and succeeded in not dwelling over all the changes in my life (there will be ample time for that over rum in Bora Bora), I really need to sleep; I haven't started packing, and my flight's tomorrow night, so I should probably get on that. Goodnight!

i'll tell you all about it when i see you again

I had a rather epic hangover today, which is what I deserved after allowing my coworkers to get me as drunk as they'd always dreamed of getting me after two years of mostly not drinking around them (Frankfurt doesn't count, since that was a limited subset of coworkers, none of whom reported to me). Their nefarious plans included six shots of tequila and a couple of ciders, but since those shots were more like doubles, it's no wonder that things got messy...

But my going-away party yesterday was super fun, and I felt v. v. loved. Today, I still felt loved, but I felt like I was loved while being run over by a truck. However, I still made it onto a 6:25am shuttle, got to campus at 7:15, and proceeded to do some work like a good (soon-to-be-done) corporate drone. This felt v. industrious of me, since I beat everyone to work despite the fact that I was the most hungover of them all.

Still, I felt slightly too dizzy to be maximally productive. But I enjoyed my coffee, and then grabbed chilequiles and scrambled eggs for breakfast, which may have saved my life. Dave filled in some of the gaps from last night's debauchery for me while I ate, which was kind (or maybe not kind) of him, since it was reported that I bit Eugene (not really that surprising, but maybe a little surprising). sssanyway, I then spent the rest of the morning working before grabbing lunch (a strange combo of tiny fried fish that I didn't eat, french fries, and korean soft tofu soup), grabbing froyo, grabbing coffee, and driving back to the city before traffic and my hangover conspired to ruin my day.

When I got here, I got a haircut and a brow wax as part of my rigorous schedule to prepare myself for Bora Bora. Then I sat on my couch, which was amazeballs. And then I put on a dress and some killer heels and met Kathia for dinner at Seven Hills. She and I had to see each other tonight because we won't see each other again until the end of June, and so we caught up over pasta (gluten free for me) at her favorite Italian place near her house. We're both looking forward to hanging out more regularly as soon as we're both back in town and I'm no longer doing the day job...all of those things can't come soon enough.

But now I really need to sleep and hope that the hangover is gone by tomorrow - I have many tings to do and relatively few hours in which to do them. Goodnight!

she's the tear in my heart

Four days left at zee day job. Today was a total mixed bag of emotion; I had to run to catch my shuttle this morning, and when I got to work I only had half a glorious hour at the coffee shop before starting meetings at eight a.m. (to chat with the guy on my team who is in Paris for the quarter and so has missed all the ridiculousness of my departure). And then I had meetings most of the day - I delivered four performance reviews, had a lunch meeting, had some more meetings, and had a quick break to grab coffee with Jen and Tomas. It was almost, but not quite, enough to keep me totally awake...

...but then I skipped out of work at four to have drinks with the team. This was kind of a jhoke on my face, because we're having a team event on Thursday where I could say goodbye to everyone, but my boss felt like we should do drinks for the cross-functional team (read: people not invited to our team event) as well. So we had drinks...and only one person from the xfn books team showed up. The xfn team from the other team I've been managing outnumbers the books guy two to one, despite the xfn team being like 90% smaller than the books team, and despite me having known them only three months. Lol.

But that was exactly what I expected. The upshot was that I got to see three xfn people I like, a bunch of my own team (who I adore), and two upstanding members of my past life - Alaska Matt and Regina, both of whom were in India with me when I was still in my youth. And it was nice to drink cider in the sun, so I'll take it.

And before I go to bed, I have to say I got two of the best presents ever today. Tomas, Eugene, and Dave gave me a framed 8x10" photo of themselves, and my description of it can't do it justice, but suffice it to say that it was brilliant and will probably have to be hung on my wall. And Viviana and Yune gave me a champagne flute engraved with 'World's Okayest Ex-Manager', which I totally wasn't expecting and will totally use to drink champagne out of all the time.

So, feeling very loved and very tired, I must sleep so I can survive it all again tomorrow - goodnight!

sometimes you gotta bleed to know that you're alive and have a soul

Today was a long day, and tomorrow is going to be another one...but I think I'm going to survive the last week of work without too much drama (famous last words). Also, today could have been worse; 2.5 hours of meetings were canceled, which made for a much better situation than I was expecting. I got up super early, got to campus by 7:15, and worked for an hour and a half before grabbing breakfast and going to my building. Since my nine a.m. was canceled, I had half an hour to do more stuff before commencing meetings. Then I took a break to see Alyssa; she had me deadlift today, which means I'll probably be sore tomorrow, but it was better than being at the office.

When I got back to the office, I showered, then grabbed a salad with Dave. I thought I had a meeting at one, so I left him at the cafe with Manuela/Shannon while I went back to our building - but when I got there, the meeting had been canceled. So I rendezvoused with them again and grabbed coffee, which was delightful (and the only thing that kept me awake this afternoon). Then I had another meeting, and then I went to the onsite store to look for post-its for my parents (failure; I think they stopped making them years ago). After that, it was meetings straight until six p.m., but I drank a cider in one of the most ridiculous ones (seriously, it was like watching a train wreck), so I survived.

And then I came home, where I promptly worked for another two hours. And now I must sleep immediately; I want to catch the 6:25 shuttle so that I don't have to drive home tomorrow night, since there are plans for drinks or something, but that means I can't mess around and be late in the morning as I often am. Goodnight!

i got sinning on my mind, sipping on red wine

Today was awesome, as most days that end in hangovers at ten p.m. are. Of course, it started far too early; I got up at 5:30 and was out the door by 6:15 to catch a shuttle. The ride was blissfully fast, since there was no traffic that early on a Friday morning, and it dropped me off right outside the coffee shop on campus. It was, in fact, so fast and smooth that I was able to work most of the way in, which is odd for me - or maybe it was the adrenaline of knowing I needed almost every minute of the morning to finish my slides that kept me from getting motion sickness.

Anyway, I worked at the coffee shop from 7ish to 9ish, grabbed breakfast on the way to my building, and continued to monkey around with my slides until 10:30. Then I delivered the presentation, and while there were no standing ovations (which would have been super awkward from twelve people crammed into an eight-person room), it was all pretty well-received, and my boss seemed to get a bit emotional at the end. This is likely because he has to take on all my work when I leave and not because I'm awesome, but we'll pretend it's the latter.

After that, though, I had no intention of doing any more work, so I didn't. Instead, Dave, Tomas, Eugene, and I all fled (somewhat secretly, but not secretly enough, probably) the office for a long afternoon lunch/drinking activity to celebrate/mourn my departure. We went to Joya in Palo Alto, which I hadn't been to in awhile, and it was perfectly blissful. It takes virtually no alcohol to get that group to discuss wildly inappropriate things, but by the time we had a pitcher of sangria and then proceeded on to beer/wine (for the dudes) and mojitos (for me), things all got totally ridiculous. We then proceeded on to the Patio, where we had more beer/cider, and where I was coerced into taking an entirely unnecessary tequila shot.

At this point, I already feel well-fêted for my departure after spending four hours drinking with some of my favorite people while gossiping, discussing foot fetishes, and playing the fun parlor game of 'we'll read your own sex scenes to you and you have to guess which book they came from' (all of which is the tip of the inappropriate iceberg for the afternoon's festivities). But I think there's more fun to come next week, so hopefully this was a good warm-up for my liver.

Anyway, by 5:30 we were all done and Eugene and Tomas had to get home to their kids (what are those??), so Dave gave me a ride back to the city. This took quite a bit of time since traffic was horrible, and we had to stop at Starbucks to get caffeine, and we also had to stop at Costco...but eventually I made it to my home, where I fielded a couple of texts from Priyanka about possible dinner plans. As I was waiting to see what materialized, I instead passed out on my bed and slept until nine p.m. I awoke mildly hungover, ate some soup, abandoned the soup in favor of water, and generally messed around on the internet and stared off into space until now.

And now, after a perfectly lovely day, I shall sleep the sleep of the just (or the crazy) so that I can get some working and socializing done tomorrow - goodnight!

tell me when it kicks in

Eight work days left, and there's so much to do before the end. I'm actually trying to get most of my work done by Wednesday(ish) so I can enjoy the last couple of days without any real responsibilities, but we'll see whether I succeed at that noble goal. Today was a valiant attempt, though; I got to work by 7:30 and worked for about an hour before grabbing breakfast (first stop: juice bar; second stop: breakfast tacos and a v. nice corned beef hash; third stop: coffee kiosk...clearly I am taking advantage of the freeness before I leave).

Then I slogged all morning and had a couple of meetings with people who are mad/sad/denying that I'm leaving, which are always fun conversations. But I took a break from work to have lunch with my boss and most of his direct reports at Tech Corners. We were checking out one of the new cafes there, and it's clear that we're all super entitled because we were disappointed with the service and felt that they needed to do some more work on the concept. But we grabbed ice cream after and sat out in the sun for a bit, and the free salted caramel ice cream went a long way to make up for my lackluster free lunch.

Post lunch, I had several meetings and several hours of slogging, but I got through a lot of important stuff on my to-do list, so that's good. Unfortunately, there's still a lot more - I have to give three presentations in the next week, which means I have to be a slide monkey for a few more days. But by five p.m. I was beyond done, so I gave Dave a ride back to the city, which was mostly smooth despite leaving at a suboptimal time. Then I came home, ate some soup, unpacked a box, retrieved some packages from the doorman, etc., etc.

But this is where I must leave you - tomorrow requires a lot of focus on slides, but I also have Alyssa in the morning and social activities in the evening, so I need to get some sleep. Goodnight!

before you came into my life i missed you so bad

The countdown feels like it's speeding up...or maybe that's because I took some time this morning to write out my to-do list on paper, and it's rather intense. So today was necessarily more productive than yesterday, which was a good thing. I got to campus by 7:20am and worked on day job stuff until 8:30ish, at which point I grabbed breakfast with Dave (and was v. confused by some unexpected changes to the condiments lineup, which resulted in strawberry jam instead of salsa with my breakfast potatoes). Then I did some more work, had a bunch of meetings, grabbed salad for lunch (and saw several of my favorite people having lunch without me...bitches have moved on), and then slogged all afternoon.

But the slogging had to stop around four so that I could take my car to Mountain View for a smog test (which I luckily noticed was required before I decided to leave the country and just pay the registration online the last day). It seems like a scam, since it took the guy three minutes, but whatever. Then I browsed Books Inc for a little bit before seeing my eye doctor and settling on ordering soft contacts for the year. And then I drove home, thought about hooking up my tv but gave up on that immediately, ate some leftover soup, and generally lazed about until now.

And now I must sleep; I need to be equally productive tomorrow, if not moreso, but I have meetings that won't be denied. Goodnight!