he tastes like you only sweeter

There used to be a time when I wrote blogposts all in lower case, perhaps in an attempt to feign casualness, perhaps because I was so used to writing ICQ messages in lowercase that I couldn't be bothered to change my typing style. Now, I write in something approaching traditional American English, with proper demarcations between sentences and the appropriate capitalization of names and places. There also used to be a time when I was more honest with my communications, blithely posting what I felt and sending it out into the ether. Now, while I don't lie on my blog, I do tell a thousand lies of omission, whether to save myself from the cost of sharing too much, or to save others from the inadvertent pain of reading the small, fleeting betrayals that we all think but do not share. Or, perhaps we don't all think them, and I'm just a bitch.

Either way, it's hard to tell what I get out of posting here anymore. I do feel a certain sense of satisfaction that I have a written record of most of my life over the past several years, even if it doesn't include all of the emotional stuff beneath the surface of the parties, dinners, and work events. And, I do feel that it has helped to keep my family and friends more connected with what I am up to on a daily basis, since I am terrible at keeping in touch.

* * *

I think that the crux of my issue right now is that I get bored with the big picture too easily - while I can sit for hours and watch tv or reread the same book for the dozenth time or idly drive through the foothills, I get very unhappy when nothing major has changed in my life in recent memory. And, 'recent memory' for me is a very short period of time--it was less than a year ago that I got back from Ireland, less than a month since I went to Ukraine, and yet I'm already looking for the next fix of adventure and newness.

For that reason, I'm not sure that going to grad school is a wise move for me - if I get bored before finishing a PhD, I'm pretty much screwed. But then again, perhaps nothing is a wise move for me - any field that I move into, regardless of how interesting or impactful I find it to be, will eventually be something that I master, and once I master it, I will have no interest in continuing on with it.

* * *

I think Vidya is probably right that I think too much in terms of 'one thing or the other, but not both'; I got the same feedback at work recently as well. Despite all of my pride in my rationality, despite my desire to analyze things to death, despite how much I abhor letting emotion get in the way of logic, I can't help but see things in black and white - and I only admit shades of grey when they help me to win an argument (even if I'm only arguing for the sake of arguing). There I go again - there are probably lots of shades of grey that I admit to. But I for some reason am convinced that, just because I don't know my destiny now means I will never find it; that because I'm alone means I always will be; that because I wasn't loved once when I thought it counted, I will never be loved in the way that I want to be loved.

Yes, I know that this is all patently absurd, and in the morning I will feel better. But I suppose my need for adventure is driven in part by the fact that when I get bored, I start to think about my life, and when I start to think, I can't stop thinking, and as long as I'm thinking, I'm usually wishing that things were different. I had grand plans for getting things done today, but instead I spent the whole evening reading a romance novel, because they are the only things that are capable of getting me to disengage long enough that I stand a chance of calming down and breaking the cycle.

I suppose I should delete this, or write this in my private journal instead, since I don't like coming across as depressed or unhappy. But, I don't really feel like lying tonight by just saying what I did today. I just wish that I knew what I could do to make myself happier, more productive, more at peace with my work (or pursuing work that I could be satisfied with), more engaged with my friends, and less bored, less bitter, and less in mourning for the past. Now, though, I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight!