Tuesday, May 12, 2015

i'm gonna love you like a black widow baby

The day job is over. Today was a v. bittersweet day; I thought I was an old pro at resigning, but I felt more emotional today than I expected to. Perhaps it was because I didn't sleep all that well last night; perhaps it was because I like a lot of my coworkers and will be sad to not work with them anymore; perhaps it's because my life has been completely full of change over the last couple of months as I upended everything and pushed to create the life I want out of the detritus of the past, and the latent stress of all that change is catching up to me despite the fact that I want all of it v. eagerly.

Whatever it was, I had a good day, but I felt slightly closer to tears than I expected to feel (but still far enough away to maintain my stoic demeanor). I got up early, got to campus a little before seven, and worked at the coffee place for the last time until almost nine. This was all day job stuff, since I wanted to get through a few last-minute items (success), but sitting there probably just compounded the bittersweetness, since I liked the coffee routine even if that's absurdly early for my normal night owl state.

Dave showed up at some point, so we grabbed a final breakfast (something chilequile-ish?)...and it was a sign of the end times that we ate it at the cafe rather than rushing to our desks for the 9am meeting that neither of us are required to go to anymore. Then I went to my building, had a last meeting with my boss (who asked me to set up a monthly lunch with him...clearly he has not lost hope that he can lure me back someday), did a bit more work, and packed up my desk.

Maybe the packing caused the emotions - I was going through stuff that I had the last time I worked there, some of which was now many years old, and I ended up tossing a lot of it. I remember that I took three boxes with me to work when I started two years ago, and today I only brought home one box, which would include some of the things I got in the past two years. Most of what I tossed is work-specific paraphernalia that I have no use for anywhere else (lava lamp, Mrs. Potato Head, etc.), and by giving or throwing it away, I think there was some sort of subconscious acknowledgement that this is really the end now, rather than my first resignation, which I always suspected on some level was more of a temporary hiatus.

But life is (hopefully) long, and there are many things I may do before the end, and maybe going back to work is one of them. But I'm going to do my damnedest over the next couple of years to make the writing thing work instead.

sssanyway, after packing, I grabbed a final lunch with Dave, Tomas, and Eugene. Tomas was mildly emotional, but Eugene asked if they could put me in a kayak and shoot arrows at me like a Viking funeral, which sounds great except I would be very much alive and also a sitting duck in a nonmoving kayak in a parking lot, so I declined his generous offer. And then I took care of a few more things, did my exit interview, returned my devices, said goodbye to whoever was around, turned in my badge, and left before it all became too much.

So tonight was mildly euphoric, mildly sad, and mostly an exercise in trying to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't be too sad (or too euphoric, I suppose). I took care of some things for my trip, bought tickets for a family reunion, etc., etc. And then I met up with Vidya (aka Chandlord), her former resident Steve, and his fiancée Danielle at Burma Love for a v. late (for me) dinner. I only vaguely know Steve (although I've heard a lot about him), and I've never met Danielle, but it was a really fun excursion - they're getting married in a month, and I'm going on a spinster honeymoon, so it's almost like we're the same people!! (kidding)

And now that I've caught up a bit with Chandlord, and succeeded in not dwelling over all the changes in my life (there will be ample time for that over rum in Bora Bora), I really need to sleep; I haven't started packing, and my flight's tomorrow night, so I should probably get on that. Goodnight!

No comments: