start anew when your heart is an empty room

I wasn't in the mood to blog last night, and I'm not particularly in the mood to blog tonight, but I suspected there might be a mutiny of all hands (aka my mother) if I skipped for a second night in a row. Suffice it to say that I am in an utterly foul and wretched mood -- not for any particular reason that I can discern, even though Nick and Ellie's continued recalcitrance is grating on my last nerve. I spent several hours this morning procrastinating to avoid this guest blog post that I had to write; I really must stop agreeing to do them, since I think they sell v. few books and I hate writing them. Then, I ate lunch (comfort food: tuna salad sandwich made with miracle whip, on toasted gluten free bread), messed around a bit, and took Terry (who was working from home for the day) to pick up her car from the mechanic. Then, knowing that I needed a change of scene, I went to a cafe and nursed some tea while writing for a couple of hours.

So I'm happy with the progress I made on Nick and Ellie today, even if it's never, ever enough (yes, I see the conflict inherent in this sentence and recognize it's probably why I'm angry and sometimes get ulcers). When I got home, I wrote a bit more, then went downstairs and heated up some of my leftover chili. I ate it sullenly at the dining room table, thinking of everything and nothing, and then hung out in the dining room for another hour while Terry cooked and ate her own supper. Then I came upstairs, knew I was too unsettled to write (Samovar would say I have monkey mind and try to sell me some overpriced lapsang souchong to cure it), and so decided to read a book instead. But of course I hated it, too; my reading has brought me little joy lately, either because I'm choosing the wrong stuff or because I'm in a harshly critical mood about everything and everyone and it would take a work of surpassing brilliance to make me forget to hate on it.

Anyway, the end. My rages don't last very long, so with any luck tomorrow will be much brighter (but I wouldn't count on it; I always fall into weird eddies and doldrums of emotions when I'm in the throes of the middle/end of a book, so this is kind of to be expected). Goodnight!