I don't really know what to blog about tonight. I think that it's a good thing that I'm going to Dublin for a week--this is the first April in three years that I'm not picking up and moving to a foreign country, and I think the fact that I'm staying put is starting to drive me crazy. Perhaps it's driving me crazy because I'm recognizing that California doesn't hold the promises that I want at this stage in my life. I don't want to live in California forever, so I don't want to date a West Coaster (they're all soooo convinced that California is the only place one could possibly want to live), which means that I have v. little incentive to try to meet guys. Many of my friends are on the verge of moving on in the next few months; Claude's leaving this summer, Vidya and Terry may apply to school, Zach's getting married and moving to Yale, Adit'll probably only be around another year-ish, Oniel and John are already in the East Bay and thus dead to me, etc. I have lots of friends at work, but work is another issue--I like what I'm doing, I like the group that I'm a part of, and I can see tons of opportunity for advancement, challenge, etc., but I'm still not sure what I want in general.
That reminds me of the analogy of climbing to the top of the ladder only to realize that you set the ladder up against the wrong wall. The problem is that I can't sort through all of the possibilities in front of me and find the one that I want the most; I could stay and have a nice, conventional, comfortable life, with enough money to travel frequently and live safely. Or, I could leave, write novels, and potentially starve to death, without enough money to travel to the places I want to see or enjoy the various activities I like to pursue.
Anyway, none of this has to be decided tonight--but I keep saying that and have been saying that for years, and so I stay sort of quietly annoyed with myself for not making a decision, so I need to come to some conclusions at some point soon. Beyond the brooding, though, I had a pretty good day--I had a few hours without meetings today and so I didn't feel overwhelmed, and I left around 6pm to get a manicure and a pedicure with my former team (all girls, except one guy, but he was on vacation this week). I came home, watched 'Scrubs' reruns, read some news online, and now I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight!
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