if you can see chuck norris, he can see you. if you can't see chuck norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

I am sooooo happy that Chuck Norris facts have become so cool in the past few months. This is major-league vindication for the years that I spent wandering in the wilderness, a teenage 'Walker, Texas Ranger' fan in a mocking world, trapped in a vicious cycle: I had no friends to go out with on a Saturday, so I watched 'Walker', which guaranteed that I would have no friends to go out with the next Saturday, etc., etc. Now if only we can get some Trivette facts going, although it's sad but true the Trivette was never as interesting as Walker. Walker was *amazing*--just when you'd start losing interest in the show, he'd have some episode in which he explored his Native American heritage with trippy camerawork implying an overdose of mescaline. He and his buddies would come back out of the desert in time to roundhouse kick some badguys (in slow motion, of course), before winding up laughing over some show-closing joke at CD's bar. The theme-song alone was enough to make the show amazing, but it was the ridiculously-identical plots that make it truly unforgettable.

Anyway, I accomplished a bunch of stuff at work today, and had dinner with Lizzie and Aldo. The restaurant we were at was showing the opening of the Champions' Cup soccer final between Barcelona and Arsenal; I saw the Arsenal goalie (aka 'keeper') get red-carded/ejected, which was a serious blow to Arsenal, but I left and didn't watch the rest of the match. Apparently Arsenal actually came close to winning, but Barcelona scored a couple of late goals to take the title. Aldo said that he couldn't support a city with a lisp, since Barcelona would be pronounced 'Barthelona', but I personally find that rather endearing. You can tell that I was really interested in the game, right, since I was choosing whom to support based solely on the name? It's that kind of tendency that almost led to me applying to Wake Forest for college. Luckily I have occasional glimmers of sanity, and one of them showed up around the time I was writing college applications. In fact, that may have been one of the last glimmers of sanity I had--I have no indication that my mental state has been anything but unbalanced in the past six or seven years. For the people who may find this in fifteen years when I'm running for president, I don't mean this in a 'I'm a danger to myself and others' kind of way. I mean it in a 'I have way more fun when things are chaotic' kind of way. Although maybe that's worse, since you *know* that means that I will spend a significant amount of time in the Oval Office saying extremely worrisome things to the guy who carries the nuclear football when no one else is around and vehemently denying it if he called me on it in front of others, with the goal that he eventually begins to wonder whether he is insane or whether I am. Oh, and I'd try to balance the budget too, which sounds rather chaotic in its own right. But I'd probably go to G8 summits and forge notes from the Japanese prime minister to the Russian president saying 'Do you like me? Circle YES or NO', or encourage yellow journalism to escalate a made-up conflict between Paraguay and Madagascar over Martian land rights, or change the American flag from the so-passe red/white/blue (what are we, French?) to pink and spangly. If you're tired of politics-as-usual, vote for me in 2020--the Wampler ticket will offer perfect vision for the future!! I mean, if I can come up with 'Wampler 2020 - Perfect Vision' as a slogan in two seconds, think of what I can do for you in four years.

Now that I've ensured that you're so afraid that you won't be able to sleep tonight, it's time for me to go to bed!