turning nightmares into dreams that bring you around

I just got off the phone with Tammy -- I'm not particularly good [editor's note: I'm terrible] at keeping in touch with my friends via phone, but Tammy called me, and I'm really glad she did. I've been in a funk all weekend, and while I don't feel totally better, I at least feel like I'm on my way back to being happy.

One reason I was in a funk, and the reason why she called, was because one of our mutual friends committed suicide last week. We found out on Friday, but I didn't blog about it because there's really nothing much that you can say -- it's tragic, obviously, but there's so much that's unknowable about something like this, and it's the unknown that leads to survivor guilt for so many people. I don't know that what I felt this weekend could be characterized as guilt -- perhaps it's more along the lines of regret, because despite some of the more negative memories I have of Jason (he was one of my residents in Mirlo and had a habit of setting fire to things and breaking into my room), I also have some great memories of him, and will always feel sadness and regret that he's not out there using his newly-minted medical degree or playing endless rounds of Tetris Attack.

Tammy and I had a good conversation about guilt, regret, personal responsibility, etc., a conversation that I didn't really feel like having with anyone else because it's easier to have that conversation when you both know the person involved. The reasons why some people will keep on surviving in the face of overwhelming tragedy, while others collapse in less disastrous situations, have always fascinated me -- if everyone only has one story, one of the main threads of mine is understanding why some people bend when others break. Perhaps it's because I have a tendency to allow myself to be broken -- I don't set boundaries effectively, and then work/friends/relationships get their claws into me until I feel the urge to break them off and throw up protective walls.

Balancing strength and vulnerability is perhaps my biggest struggle; even though I don't set boundaries effectively, it's that I don't set boundaries on my *energy*, not that I don't set boundaries on my core. And because I allow too many people/projects/obsessions eat up my energy, I lose sight of my longer-term goals. But my strength vs. vulnerability spectrum is almost entirely weighted on strength -- there are v. few people with whom I have been truly vulnerable, and when it happens, I risk going overboard in my attempts to regain strength, to the point that I lose any benefit I may have gained from opening up in the first place.

Clearly I just went off on a massive tangent here, but at least I feel better even if my strength vs. vulnerability dilemma may never be resolved. Today was mostly a wash; I went to the gym and spent most of the day thinking about my book, but I produced v. little. At least I know what I need to do -- and when I'm a little more settled this week, I'll get started on it. Now, though, I think I'll get ready for bed. Meetings start at eight a.m. tomorrow and run through most of the day, so I should really get up early and get a start on the day. Goodnight!