keep this scene inside your head

My brother, in a clever ploy to get me to stop using James lyrics, suggested that I finally open the new Placebo CD that I accidentally bought a few months ago (I got him one for Christmas, but bought it twice, so kept the other). And I love it! However, Michael and I are both somewhat surprised that none of the bandmembers have killed themselves yet, given their heavy drug- and suicide-related content...which leads me to wonder if all of the heroin and self-hatred is just an act.

Today was a surprisingly good day. You would think that it wouldn't be, since I made someone cry in one of my feedback sessions, and one of my people resigned--but since the resignation actually happened two weeks ago, I was prepared, and the crying conversation ended on a reasonably good note. It may have helped that the weather was gorgeous, and while I couldn't feel it, I could enjoy the view of the Santa Cruz Mountains from my office. It may have also helped that I discovered Google Themes - if you personalize your Google homepage, you can choose one of six cute themes that change depending on the time of day and weather at your location. So, now when I go to Google.com, I see a cute little fox wearing a Japanese-style pointed hat, sitting outside of a tea house and playing by a pond. Right now he's playing a guitar for the ducks, but he'll probably go to bed soon.

But no, the main reason why I was happy is that I feel like I made the crucial first step towards resolving the issue that got me so utterly pissed off on Tuesday. As I mentioned yesterday, I spent a couple of hours last night writing down what was upsetting me and figuring out how I wanted to state it without seeming like a whiner. I discussed it with the person's manager today, and while I don't like giving what feels like harsh feedback, it felt like a really productive, honest, and helpful conversation, and I felt like my voice was heard. I also got to spend some time chatting with a new manager we have--he used to be in the Navy and was an F-18 fighter pilot before moving into business, and he seems to have a fantastic amount of experience and wisdom, so I'm really looking forward to working with him.

When I got home tonight (after driving around for awhile and getting a burrito), I signed up and took this career development test developed by the Harvard Business School. Yes, how corporate is that? Anyway, the funny thing was that the test told me that I should really be exactly where I am in terms of the type of company I'm working for; it said that I seem to value aggressive, rough and tumble, flat-org companies where people at a variety of levels have the ability to push agendas, and where a premium is placed on trying new approaches and taking risks. That pretty much describes my company exactly. The interesting thing was that it spit out that my 'deeply embedded life interests' are application of technology and theory development/conceptual thinking. It is perhaps too bad that I didn't move into more of an engineering role in college; I think if I had to do it over again, I would either go more towards the systems side of symbolic systems, or I would investigate the management science/engineering program.

So, I'm still really conflicted about what to do with my life, but it seems the everyone is, so perhaps I'll just roll with it for awhile. I'm beginning to feel that it would be less of a terrible thing if I ended up in business, but that's a slippery slope that will probably see me enrolled in business school in the next 2-3 years, which is a bit scary and still doesn't feel quite right. We shall see, though. Now I'm going to go to bed, and I'm not going to set an alarm for the first time in like a month, so if you call me before 1pm, I will curse you. Goodnight!