i saw the ending when i turned the page

I meant to go to bed an hour ago, and was in fact falling asleep over my notebook at 10:30pm, but I stayed up reading a combination of 9/11 memorial coverage and my own version of 9/11 memories (every birthday blog post for the past six years). I have to stop doing this; it's just making me maudlin, and then I alternate between feeling angry about my birthday being inextricably linked to a national tragedy and feeling guilty that I'm angry. When I sue my ulcer for the pain and suffering (and lack of alcohol) it has caused, the ulcer can enter this evidence of my ability to feel anger and guilt over just about everything as Defense Exhibit A.

Anyway, today felt incredibly slow, probably because it was the first day all week that I didn't drive down to Palo Alto, and so I reclaimed 2-4 hours of my day. I woke up around nine, showered, made some tea, took care of tings, etc., and eventually settled in to write -- and just as that happened, our cleaning lady (who was supposed to come yesterday) showed up. I left the place to her tender ministrations, partially so that I wasn't in her way but mostly because she needed to park in my garage space since Terry's car is taking the other one. I ran to Safeway to buy ingredients for my birthday cake (and no, I'm not making the cake I have dreamed of making for years, which I can't even describe here because it's in such poor taste; I decided that if my downstairs neighbors come up to complain about my dinner party noise, I don't want them to see such a display and hate me forever). And then I went to Samovar in Hayes Valley, where I wrote (v., v. slowly) for a couple of hours over some Monkey Picked Iron Goddess of Mercy (an oolong tea with the best name ever). This scene is still coming incredibly painfully, but at least I got some more of it out, and now that I'm done with it, the story can (hopefully) pick up again.

I came home with the intention of writing some more, but I couldn't get back into it. Eventually I ordered some Thai takeout, ate it while watching Craig, and then finished the book I'd started on the plane last weekend -- THE DARK ENQUIRY, which is part of that Victorian mystery/romance series that I adore. This wasn't my favorite book in the series, since I thought the ending was a bit rushed, but I'm of course still eager for the next one in the series, which is still months and months away. Then I came upstairs, wrote another few paragraphs in a v. dreamlike fashion that quickly turned into sleep, and roused myself to go to bed (only to read 9/11 coverage, stupid). But now I really must sleep -- I'm going to Berkeley tomorrow for the romance meeting, followed by lunch with Oniel, Kathryn and Obaby, followed by some quality time alone baking my own birthday cake, followed by drinks with Tammy (aka Tammmmmmehhh). And through it all I have to ignore the box from Amazon and the two birthday cards that came in the mail today; I want to save them for my birthday, but it's so difficult to be disciplined. Goodnight!