I don't really feel much desire to write tonight; my right hand is feeling really stiff, and I think that it is developing some sort of weird arthritis or something from spending most of my waking life on a keyboard. Even though most of the important letters on a keyboard are on the left side, my right hand gets an added workout when I'm using the nubby little mouse thing on my thinkpad, and since I sat with it in several hours of meetings today, it's not happy. Sadness. It's like some poor little injured thing that just has to grit its teeth and carry on because it doesn't really have any other options.
Well, that's certainly melodramatic; but given that I'm very similar physically to my grandmother, and she has arthritis so badly at this point that her fingers are completely twisted and misshapen, I'm a little paranoid about my hands. But, I'm getting a chair massage at work tomorrow! And they typically massage the hands briefly during those as well, so maybe that will help.
Tonight, I had dinner with Renee at California Pizza Kitchen, which was very lovely. I'm jealous of other people's residents, to some extent, but the jealousy has faded a lot; I'm happy with the 'residents' that I have left, who have all turned into friends at this point, and it's nice that no one can wake me up at four in the morning because they're locked out, or disturb my thoughts by playing loud piano outside my room. Of course, my neighbors make up for the piano somewhat; they're loudly revving an engine right now (it's midnight), and I can't even slam a door in a passive-aggressive method of chastisement.
So, dinner with Renee, and then I started rereading Robin McKinley's 'The Blue Sword,' which is one of my favorite fantasy books from my childhood and still remains one of those books that I find myself rereading every few months or so. I've written about it before, although the last time I reread it was sometime before I deleted all of my pre-August posts, but I will spare my hand and my readers any further thoughts on the matter. Now, it's time for bed!
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
information travels faster in the modern age
Today was great for a workday--Vidya Chander came to lunch, which was v. fun. We ate tasty food, and talked about fun stuff, and then I went back to work. She was happy to come to work on a day when I would not have anything more exciting to write about, since she thought she would get forgotten too easily if I hung out with people this evening. However, my evening was pretty good too--I had a nice long conversation with Emily while she was commuting home (yay!) and then worked for a couple of hours. While working, I watched some 'Surreal Life', and more importantly the first part of VH1's documentary 'And You Don't Stop: 30 Years of Hip Hop.' It's pretty educational; I don't know anything about the beginnings of hiphop, since I grew up in the wilds of Iowa without cable and with parents whose musical exploration stopped sometime around 1978. Well, that's not entirely true--my dad likes listening to the radio now and combining all the songs into one long song with slightly questionable words. But hip hop never really made it into my house.
Wow, and did anyone watch 'The Daily Show' tonight? Archbishop Desmond Tutu, in the five minutes that he was on, was absolutely amazing. He had such a great sense of humor--I love people who can laugh, genuinely and heartily. More importantly, he has such a large amount of compassion and understanding. Now I want to read his book...
Wow, and did anyone watch 'The Daily Show' tonight? Archbishop Desmond Tutu, in the five minutes that he was on, was absolutely amazing. He had such a great sense of humor--I love people who can laugh, genuinely and heartily. More importantly, he has such a large amount of compassion and understanding. Now I want to read his book...
Sunday, October 03, 2004
dammit
[NOTE: this post should have been posted last night, but blogger was being retarded. apologies.]
Dammit, I lost a post. And just before I hit submit, I thought, 'I should copy it just in case.' And then I thought, 'nah, it's Blogger, and I never lose posts on Blogger.' And then I lost it. Damn. But I still love you Blogger!
Anyway, the gist of my previous post is that I had an awesome but exhausting weekend. Dinner in FloMo on Friday, lunch in Millbrae on Saturday, 'Mr. 3000' on Saturday night, cookie baking this morning, beach trip to Pescadero this afternoon, and then 'Dodgeball' at Flicks this evening. I'm numb with exhaustion now, and will go to sleep as soon as this posts, but I had a fantastic weekend. The beach trip was amazingly fun, and I'm glad that it was resurrected; I didn't want to go because I'm lazy and it's always cold at the beach, but despite the fact that it was still cold at the beach today, the company was awesome and it was totally worth it. 10 of us went, and it was a success despite the fact that Shedletsky, Sean and I were sure the fire wasn't going to light/stay lit...while everyone else was playing frisbee and splashing in the tide, we were trying multiple combinations of more lighter fluid/matches/charcoal, and the despair (and hysteria, and laughter) mounted. Finally we ended up playing the 'Cooked or Dirty?' game with a hotdog, at which point everyone returned and seemed slightly less excited about playing 'Cooked or Dirty?' than we did. However, when we added the hamburgers, all the dripping grease created a fantastic blaze, and everything cooked smashingly. Then we played Cranium and Taboo, and got to chase birds away from our leftovers (they tried to steal the Kraft singles! and they made it halfway to the ocean with a whole package of hotdogs!) So despite my carsickness and my general disdain for cold beaches, I think that more trips of this nature are definitely mandatory. I also think the mafia group should do more non-mafia things (although I have a huge butcher knife if anyone wants to play real-life mafia w/the stabber role). And I think that Germany vs. Austria night should happen v. soon. And I think that I should also spend some time this week with people who are insane in a different way, just for balance. And finally, I think I should go to bed!
(I also think I should copy this post, just in case).
Dammit, I lost a post. And just before I hit submit, I thought, 'I should copy it just in case.' And then I thought, 'nah, it's Blogger, and I never lose posts on Blogger.' And then I lost it. Damn. But I still love you Blogger!
Anyway, the gist of my previous post is that I had an awesome but exhausting weekend. Dinner in FloMo on Friday, lunch in Millbrae on Saturday, 'Mr. 3000' on Saturday night, cookie baking this morning, beach trip to Pescadero this afternoon, and then 'Dodgeball' at Flicks this evening. I'm numb with exhaustion now, and will go to sleep as soon as this posts, but I had a fantastic weekend. The beach trip was amazingly fun, and I'm glad that it was resurrected; I didn't want to go because I'm lazy and it's always cold at the beach, but despite the fact that it was still cold at the beach today, the company was awesome and it was totally worth it. 10 of us went, and it was a success despite the fact that Shedletsky, Sean and I were sure the fire wasn't going to light/stay lit...while everyone else was playing frisbee and splashing in the tide, we were trying multiple combinations of more lighter fluid/matches/charcoal, and the despair (and hysteria, and laughter) mounted. Finally we ended up playing the 'Cooked or Dirty?' game with a hotdog, at which point everyone returned and seemed slightly less excited about playing 'Cooked or Dirty?' than we did. However, when we added the hamburgers, all the dripping grease created a fantastic blaze, and everything cooked smashingly. Then we played Cranium and Taboo, and got to chase birds away from our leftovers (they tried to steal the Kraft singles! and they made it halfway to the ocean with a whole package of hotdogs!) So despite my carsickness and my general disdain for cold beaches, I think that more trips of this nature are definitely mandatory. I also think the mafia group should do more non-mafia things (although I have a huge butcher knife if anyone wants to play real-life mafia w/the stabber role). And I think that Germany vs. Austria night should happen v. soon. And I think that I should also spend some time this week with people who are insane in a different way, just for balance. And finally, I think I should go to bed!
(I also think I should copy this post, just in case).
no real content, so no real subject line
Had lunch with the Opium Lounge Club (aka Tammy and Shedletsky) in Millbrae at the remaining Hong Kong Flower lounge...and it was awesome. I'm still full from it. Then I took a two-hour nap, then saw 'Mr. 3000' with a co-worker; it was lame, as expected. Now, I'm going to sleep...tomorrow is a trip to Pescadero w/some people, and I bought massive quantities of food for the occasion. Yay! And then 'Dodgeball' at Flicks, which is even more awesome.
My mood hasn't changed at all, and so my previous post is still applicable and there is no need to write it all again. Meh.
My mood hasn't changed at all, and so my previous post is still applicable and there is no need to write it all again. Meh.
Friday, October 01, 2004
send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening
After being extremely tired at work, I left work and went to FloMo to have dinner with the old mafia crew. Dinner was so much fun, and we were appropriately obnoxious despite Patrick's efforts to calm us down. We then adjourned to the Loro lounge and played Clue with Doug's new rules--basically, it's Clue + Assassins, and you can assassinate another player in the game if you end up in the same room with both them and a weapon. They were fun rules, and I love any form of assassins/stabbing in the face in any game whatsoever (in fact, my family should try it with Rail Baron next Christmas), but none of us were particularly good at it. We then played a couple of games of mafia that were entertaining (and very quick...with six people playing, we only had one mafia each game, and both times we figured it out during the first day without the mafia ever getting to make a kill). Then we split off and I took Joanna and Can back to Lag, and then I came home.
I don't know, though...I don't think the mafia group is good for me. I know that half of you read this on a regular basis, so please don't take this as an insult to any one of you, and don't change your behavior in any way. I'm trying to make a larger point, starting with the fact that the mafia group, more than any other, can whip itself up into a frenzy pretty quickly, and then insane and insanely fun times are had by all. That was exactly the case tonight--we started fast, got ridiculous, I ended up with a cucumber halfway down my shirt, and we topped it off with Clue and Mafia. Fun, fun, fun, and I enjoyed every second of it. But then I have to come home, and it all comes crashing down, and it all feels like some cruel illusion that I can live for an hour or two and yet am forced to give up. I had almost reached the point where I had decided there was nothing left for me in California (which is obviously an exaggeration, since I would really miss Claude, and my old school friends), but hanging out with people I hadn't hung out with all summer (and for much longer than that, actually, given dramariffic occurrences over the past year) has renewed my longing for what I once had. And it's not just the mafia kids; seeing Ritu and Renee, and Julie, and Tommy and Ariel, and all the other people that I've seen and intend to see again soon, makes me realize that the ties that bind me here are still strong.
The problem is that those ties are strong, and they provide me with several hours of insane merriment every week, but then I come home and it's snap back to reality--I'm not *doing* anything with my life and all this supposed potential that I have, and I'm basically hiding under the covers and hoping that life will pass me by and leave me alone so that I can get back to wasting it. I'm avoiding all decisions about the future, and the thought of deciding something and changing my current situation leaves me both physically ill and slightly weepy.
Over the summer, I had settled into some sort of equilibrium; I guess living with Walter, who is very steady, will do that. Now I have the highs back, which are like an evil drug, since the highs are amazing and fun and wonderful and I want them all the time, but when I'm deprived of them I immediately crash into a very hard, sudden, unforgiving low (local minima, as Adit would call it). But really, all my life I've been choosing between another bout of euphoria/sadness and a more calm, rational, sedate manner...and I inevitably choose the euphoria/sadness. I chose calmness once and got completely worked and not calm at all, so I guess I'll stick with euphoria/sadness, even though the sadness can be so awful. But the euphoria is great.
So, mafia kids, thank you for inducing such tremendous highs. Every time I see all of you (except when we're reaching the part of the cycle where we're about to start hating each other again) is a complete joy. But I'm sad now, and I need to find some resolve to figure out something about the future and make it happen. The sadness stems from the fact that nothing lasts forever. I'm picturing Gollum in 'Return of the King' tossing the lembas bread over the cliff, and that's the gesture I always think of when I think of things passing, for some reason. It's like, that completely languid, yet malicious, gesture, causing chaos and destroying hope. Yes, things do get better (Sam saves Frodo, the good guys eventually win), but there are those moments sometimes when things just pass away and don't come back. And I feel like me deciding to leave here is like tossing away the lembas bread--my friends here are my lifeline, my security, my hope, but I *know* that if something doesn't change my life will be a waste. And that's a very scary thought--to know that I have to choose between continued awesomeness with my friends and some accomplishment that could better serve the world. That sounds very martyrish (and also arrogant)...but I know that if I stay here, I probably won't do anything, because I'll be too busy seeking the highs and nursing the lows.
Clearly I'm nursing a low now, and tomorrow it will all be better. And then the cycle will start anew when I have an opium lounge club meeting with Shedletsky and Tammy. Until then, it's time for sleep...
I don't know, though...I don't think the mafia group is good for me. I know that half of you read this on a regular basis, so please don't take this as an insult to any one of you, and don't change your behavior in any way. I'm trying to make a larger point, starting with the fact that the mafia group, more than any other, can whip itself up into a frenzy pretty quickly, and then insane and insanely fun times are had by all. That was exactly the case tonight--we started fast, got ridiculous, I ended up with a cucumber halfway down my shirt, and we topped it off with Clue and Mafia. Fun, fun, fun, and I enjoyed every second of it. But then I have to come home, and it all comes crashing down, and it all feels like some cruel illusion that I can live for an hour or two and yet am forced to give up. I had almost reached the point where I had decided there was nothing left for me in California (which is obviously an exaggeration, since I would really miss Claude, and my old school friends), but hanging out with people I hadn't hung out with all summer (and for much longer than that, actually, given dramariffic occurrences over the past year) has renewed my longing for what I once had. And it's not just the mafia kids; seeing Ritu and Renee, and Julie, and Tommy and Ariel, and all the other people that I've seen and intend to see again soon, makes me realize that the ties that bind me here are still strong.
The problem is that those ties are strong, and they provide me with several hours of insane merriment every week, but then I come home and it's snap back to reality--I'm not *doing* anything with my life and all this supposed potential that I have, and I'm basically hiding under the covers and hoping that life will pass me by and leave me alone so that I can get back to wasting it. I'm avoiding all decisions about the future, and the thought of deciding something and changing my current situation leaves me both physically ill and slightly weepy.
Over the summer, I had settled into some sort of equilibrium; I guess living with Walter, who is very steady, will do that. Now I have the highs back, which are like an evil drug, since the highs are amazing and fun and wonderful and I want them all the time, but when I'm deprived of them I immediately crash into a very hard, sudden, unforgiving low (local minima, as Adit would call it). But really, all my life I've been choosing between another bout of euphoria/sadness and a more calm, rational, sedate manner...and I inevitably choose the euphoria/sadness. I chose calmness once and got completely worked and not calm at all, so I guess I'll stick with euphoria/sadness, even though the sadness can be so awful. But the euphoria is great.
So, mafia kids, thank you for inducing such tremendous highs. Every time I see all of you (except when we're reaching the part of the cycle where we're about to start hating each other again) is a complete joy. But I'm sad now, and I need to find some resolve to figure out something about the future and make it happen. The sadness stems from the fact that nothing lasts forever. I'm picturing Gollum in 'Return of the King' tossing the lembas bread over the cliff, and that's the gesture I always think of when I think of things passing, for some reason. It's like, that completely languid, yet malicious, gesture, causing chaos and destroying hope. Yes, things do get better (Sam saves Frodo, the good guys eventually win), but there are those moments sometimes when things just pass away and don't come back. And I feel like me deciding to leave here is like tossing away the lembas bread--my friends here are my lifeline, my security, my hope, but I *know* that if something doesn't change my life will be a waste. And that's a very scary thought--to know that I have to choose between continued awesomeness with my friends and some accomplishment that could better serve the world. That sounds very martyrish (and also arrogant)...but I know that if I stay here, I probably won't do anything, because I'll be too busy seeking the highs and nursing the lows.
Clearly I'm nursing a low now, and tomorrow it will all be better. And then the cycle will start anew when I have an opium lounge club meeting with Shedletsky and Tammy. Until then, it's time for sleep...
i'll be your platform shoes, undo what heredity's done to you
I'm so tired. Joanna's birthday party was loads and loads of fun, and I have no regrets about going...but going to bed at three is awfully sad when you have to go to work and can't take an afternoon nap. But when I left work, rather than come home and take a nap, I went shopping. It's quickly turning to fall outside, and my winter clothes were feeling shabby (even though they probably aren't--but I'm in a pink mood, and most of my winter clothes are red). I got a cute pair of pink corduroys, which I just did a quick-and-dirty hem job on (my mother would not be impressed, since I just folded the cuffs under twice and basted them together, but they're remarkably even) so that I can wear them to work tomorrow. Yay. Unfortunately, I had to skip Tom's birthday party, since I still had two hours of work to do when I got home and I was far too tired to drive back to campus :( I'm rather ashamed that I didn't go, since Tom's such a great person...but hopefully he won't remember whether I was there or not, since he turned 21 today.
Anyway, I should go to bed, but I'm trying to write here frequently and I don't want to fall off the bandwagon. Tomorrow--reunion dinner in FloMo. Yay! But first, many hours of work. Not so yay. But I'm liking work a lot right now, so that's a yay. So I guess things are balancing out somewhere between 'happy' and 'euphoric'. Katie--don't worry, I'm not on one of my 'life is beautiful' moments, but I'm sure you'll be able to read between the lines to figure out when I hit it and when the aftermath occurs :)
Anyway, I should go to bed, but I'm trying to write here frequently and I don't want to fall off the bandwagon. Tomorrow--reunion dinner in FloMo. Yay! But first, many hours of work. Not so yay. But I'm liking work a lot right now, so that's a yay. So I guess things are balancing out somewhere between 'happy' and 'euphoric'. Katie--don't worry, I'm not on one of my 'life is beautiful' moments, but I'm sure you'll be able to read between the lines to figure out when I hit it and when the aftermath occurs :)
Thursday, September 30, 2004
the chemicals between us
I realized at work today that I either a) can't stand the taste of tea in a paper cup, or b) can't stand organic, non-chemically-processed teas. Like everything else at work, the tea is all organic, certified, fair trade, etc....and to me it just doesn't seem quite as good. I guess I like my formaldahyde, or whatever they use.
Today is Joanna's birthday (yay!), and so I baked a cake and took it over to Lag at midnight. Several of us hung out there for almost two hours, which was v. fun, but now I'm extremely tired and basically screwed as far as work goes tomorrow. But, since I've been getting ten or eleven hours of sleep a night, I can surely pull things off tomorrow. It was great to see everyone again, and some of us are having dinner in Loro/Gavilan on Friday, which should be a blast. I can't wait to scare any hapless freshmen who happen to wander through our craziness.
Time is just flying by; and I have plans tomorrow night, and dinner Friday night, and the beach/watching 'Dodgeball' on Sunday, and so I'm keeping v. busy. Now that people are back at Stanford, I have endless excuses to hang out. However, it's always slightly embarrassing when I have to confess my dirty secret, which is that I graduated a year ago--like tonight, when one of Joanna's freshman dormmates stopped at the door and took a piece of cake, and he was like, 'where did you get the eggs?!' and I said, 'I graduated a year and a half ago.' Sadness. Well whatever, I don't want to grow up, and my tastes don't really veer towards wine tastings and bars and other things that mid-twenties people do, so I guess I'll stick with making cakes and playing mafia and gossipping about classes and relationships and engaging in crazy conversation. It's a way better use of my time--I'll have time for bars and wine tastings and mature activities when I move away from here and have to make new friends. Wheeeeee.
Today is Joanna's birthday (yay!), and so I baked a cake and took it over to Lag at midnight. Several of us hung out there for almost two hours, which was v. fun, but now I'm extremely tired and basically screwed as far as work goes tomorrow. But, since I've been getting ten or eleven hours of sleep a night, I can surely pull things off tomorrow. It was great to see everyone again, and some of us are having dinner in Loro/Gavilan on Friday, which should be a blast. I can't wait to scare any hapless freshmen who happen to wander through our craziness.
Time is just flying by; and I have plans tomorrow night, and dinner Friday night, and the beach/watching 'Dodgeball' on Sunday, and so I'm keeping v. busy. Now that people are back at Stanford, I have endless excuses to hang out. However, it's always slightly embarrassing when I have to confess my dirty secret, which is that I graduated a year ago--like tonight, when one of Joanna's freshman dormmates stopped at the door and took a piece of cake, and he was like, 'where did you get the eggs?!' and I said, 'I graduated a year and a half ago.' Sadness. Well whatever, I don't want to grow up, and my tastes don't really veer towards wine tastings and bars and other things that mid-twenties people do, so I guess I'll stick with making cakes and playing mafia and gossipping about classes and relationships and engaging in crazy conversation. It's a way better use of my time--I'll have time for bars and wine tastings and mature activities when I move away from here and have to make new friends. Wheeeeee.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
i want to take you far from the cynics in this town
I had dinner with Julie tonight...and I'm always pleasantly surprised by just how similar we really are. I mean, scarily similar...like the stories that we tell each other of our latest triumphs and tragedies contain eerie parallels. It was really good to see her, and I'm looking forward to seeing her more this quarter, and to reconnecting with the other people whom I lost touch with over the summer. We didn't spend much time reminiscing, but we did briefly discuss Sarrol the Barrel of Death, which has to be one of my all-time funniest/weirdest memories. Ah, those were the days--tied to Errol, wrestling Walter in the middle of the Loro lounge.
Oh, and for those of you who haven't seen the Loro lounge recently, you should go--I forgot to mention that they painted the wall behind the TV purple. Deep, dark purple...to match the purple chairs, and the nauseatingly zig-zagged carpet. It is nearly overwhelming. I can't imagine dorm wrestling (or much of anything else) taking place there. And I'm glad they waited until I wasn't on staff there--if I had to stand by that wall every week during house meeting, my reds and fuschias would have clashed horribly :)
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've been really tired lately, like I would just like to crawl in bed and stay there for the next month or three. Except I don't really want to stay in bed that long--I just wish that I could get ten or eleven hours of sleep a night without feeling like I was wasting my time.
If I go to bed now, I can get nine or ten hours of sleep tonight. Yay! So, I'm off. Oh, and I did feel the earthquake today, if you were curious, although it felt very minor from here. I can't imagine that it actually caused a delay in the Scott Peterson trial in Redwood City, since Redwood City was even farther away from the epicenter than Mountain View; the jurors must be bored out of their skulls if they noticed the vibrations in what is surely a seismically sound courthouse and asked for a delay of proceedings. And I must have been bored out of my skull to read that article. So now, bedtime!
Oh, and for those of you who haven't seen the Loro lounge recently, you should go--I forgot to mention that they painted the wall behind the TV purple. Deep, dark purple...to match the purple chairs, and the nauseatingly zig-zagged carpet. It is nearly overwhelming. I can't imagine dorm wrestling (or much of anything else) taking place there. And I'm glad they waited until I wasn't on staff there--if I had to stand by that wall every week during house meeting, my reds and fuschias would have clashed horribly :)
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've been really tired lately, like I would just like to crawl in bed and stay there for the next month or three. Except I don't really want to stay in bed that long--I just wish that I could get ten or eleven hours of sleep a night without feeling like I was wasting my time.
If I go to bed now, I can get nine or ten hours of sleep tonight. Yay! So, I'm off. Oh, and I did feel the earthquake today, if you were curious, although it felt very minor from here. I can't imagine that it actually caused a delay in the Scott Peterson trial in Redwood City, since Redwood City was even farther away from the epicenter than Mountain View; the jurors must be bored out of their skulls if they noticed the vibrations in what is surely a seismically sound courthouse and asked for a delay of proceedings. And I must have been bored out of my skull to read that article. So now, bedtime!
Monday, September 27, 2004
blacking out the friction
I watched most of 'When Harry Met Sally' on AMC tonight. The bad thing about movies on TV is that the commercial breaks are sometimes almost as long as the segments of the movie. In this case, one commercial break was so long that I was able to go to the bathroom and make hot chocolate from scratch (sans microwave). Ridiculous. Anyway, I was in the wrong mood to watch a romantic comedy, since I've been feeling rather pragmatic lately and don't really need a lot of drivel about modern romances. Historical romances, on the other hand, are another story. However, the book that I started over the weekend and finished tonight was basically a disappointment; the story was too predictable (even for a romance novel), the ending was forced, and the writing wasn't particularly good. Ah, well, what did I expect?
I'm excited about the upcoming release of the extended version of 'The Return of the King'; however, it's coming out in December, which is too late for a marathon viewing during Thanksgiving. Can asked me yesterday if we were having Thanksgiving dinner at my house, and of course it's happening and I was already thinking about it, but I thought that September was a bit early for Thanksgiving invitations. But, if you're interested, keep it in mind that there will definitely be Thanksgiving festivities in my apartment, and feel free to contact me and invite yourself over if you are worried about being left out. I won't even make you play mafia with me; completely stuffing you with hearty Thanksgiving food is more than enough for me.
I really do have almost a compulsion to take care of people. I could never be a nurse, because I don't want to take care of people with spongebaths and bedpans. However, I do like feeding people, and making them comfortable, and befriending them. It's like I like taking care of peoples' hearts and souls. Except I have no desire to be a priest. So I guess taking care of peoples' hearts is the best description. Hearts and stomachs. It's therefore deliciously ironic that I have yet to find someone to mutually love; but, for some reason, I'm a little more at peace with that than I have been for the past few months. At the end of the day, if I were dating someone, I would have much less time for my friends. I have too many people whom I would miss if I were dating someone seriously, and I don't like doing things by half-measures, so I can't imagine that I would casually date someone for very long.
Not that it matters. I'm not looking, and I'm very good at sensing even the slightest hint of danger and freezing it out before it reaches the point where I would actually be asked out. Between my disinterest in actually pursuing someone and my absolute loathing of encouraging anyone's interest in me, I'd say I'm pretty much closed for business right now.
And hey, that's okay.
There are many interesting things about life that I have been missing during my occasional moping fits. I need to write my romance novel. I want to reconnect with my friends. I would like to figure out what I want from life. None of those things would happen if I were dating something. And if denying that I want a relationship isn't 'blacking out the friction,' I don't know what is :)
I'm excited about the upcoming release of the extended version of 'The Return of the King'; however, it's coming out in December, which is too late for a marathon viewing during Thanksgiving. Can asked me yesterday if we were having Thanksgiving dinner at my house, and of course it's happening and I was already thinking about it, but I thought that September was a bit early for Thanksgiving invitations. But, if you're interested, keep it in mind that there will definitely be Thanksgiving festivities in my apartment, and feel free to contact me and invite yourself over if you are worried about being left out. I won't even make you play mafia with me; completely stuffing you with hearty Thanksgiving food is more than enough for me.
I really do have almost a compulsion to take care of people. I could never be a nurse, because I don't want to take care of people with spongebaths and bedpans. However, I do like feeding people, and making them comfortable, and befriending them. It's like I like taking care of peoples' hearts and souls. Except I have no desire to be a priest. So I guess taking care of peoples' hearts is the best description. Hearts and stomachs. It's therefore deliciously ironic that I have yet to find someone to mutually love; but, for some reason, I'm a little more at peace with that than I have been for the past few months. At the end of the day, if I were dating someone, I would have much less time for my friends. I have too many people whom I would miss if I were dating someone seriously, and I don't like doing things by half-measures, so I can't imagine that I would casually date someone for very long.
Not that it matters. I'm not looking, and I'm very good at sensing even the slightest hint of danger and freezing it out before it reaches the point where I would actually be asked out. Between my disinterest in actually pursuing someone and my absolute loathing of encouraging anyone's interest in me, I'd say I'm pretty much closed for business right now.
And hey, that's okay.
There are many interesting things about life that I have been missing during my occasional moping fits. I need to write my romance novel. I want to reconnect with my friends. I would like to figure out what I want from life. None of those things would happen if I were dating something. And if denying that I want a relationship isn't 'blacking out the friction,' I don't know what is :)
addendum
I don't think that last post got across how happy I am. Happy happy happy. I'm sure it's ephemeral (there's a GRE word for you), but for now, it feels really good.
killing and happiness (not necessarily in that order)
I had a great weekend, all in all, other than the food poisoning. The food poisoning caused me to sleep way too late, which means I missed the piano concert that I was going to with some of my coworkers :( I ended up spending the evening on campus--I had CPK (sorry renee) with Can Sar, Joanna, Michael B and Shedletsky, and then we went back to Lag and played mafia.
I'm seriously so happy right now. And it's not even really about the mafia--the game itself wasn't so good, because I was so obviously mafia. However, we played via 'conference call' on my cellphone's speakerphone with Jasmine in Boston, and that was very nice. It was an entertaining premise that worked surprisingly well.
But yeah, the night was fun, people got along with each other, and I think we all had a very good time. Yay. Now it's time for sleep--and the weekend is already over, which means I have to go to work tomorrow :( Oh, well, at least I haven't lost my job to my mafia addiction. That would be horribly ironic.
I'm seriously so happy right now. And it's not even really about the mafia--the game itself wasn't so good, because I was so obviously mafia. However, we played via 'conference call' on my cellphone's speakerphone with Jasmine in Boston, and that was very nice. It was an entertaining premise that worked surprisingly well.
But yeah, the night was fun, people got along with each other, and I think we all had a very good time. Yay. Now it's time for sleep--and the weekend is already over, which means I have to go to work tomorrow :( Oh, well, at least I haven't lost my job to my mafia addiction. That would be horribly ironic.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
food poisoning and zombies
So I should be going to bed and nursing what seems to be a case of food poisoning, but I first want to say that you all *must* see 'Shaun of the Dead.' Trust me. Even if you no longer trust my taste in movies. Claudia, Marco and I saw it tonight (rather than going to Adit/Chris/Zach's party, which may have been rather badly done of us, but I was already feeling slightly ill and was not into the idea of dancing/drinking). We all absolutely loved it--hands down one of the funniest movies I've seen in recent memory. Go see it!
As for the food poisoning--I cooked a steak on my George Foreman grill for about four minutes so that it would be nice and raw inside, but I think it may have sat in my fridge too long. Or, my diet coke is poisonous. Hard to tell which one actually tried to kill me, but my stomach periodically feels like it's being shredded from the inside. It was almost exciting and appropriate while watching a zombie movie. But not exciting enough for me to wish to prolong it. So I shall go to bed now.
As for the food poisoning--I cooked a steak on my George Foreman grill for about four minutes so that it would be nice and raw inside, but I think it may have sat in my fridge too long. Or, my diet coke is poisonous. Hard to tell which one actually tried to kill me, but my stomach periodically feels like it's being shredded from the inside. It was almost exciting and appropriate while watching a zombie movie. But not exciting enough for me to wish to prolong it. So I shall go to bed now.
Friday, September 24, 2004
ride for ruin and the world's ending!
Tonight was a lot of fun; Adit, Claudia and Sri came over, and I made spaghetti and we watched 'The Return of the King.' It was a great time...since the movie is like four hours long, it offers plenty of time for commentary, contemplation, and enjoyment. Yay. And I like cooking, so I was very satisfied--it's very easy to heat up pasta sauce and cook pasta, but it's also very easy to mess up the pasta and have it turn out all awful. Since mine turned out okay, I was happy without having to expend much serious effort to get decent results. Fun times!
And can I just say that there are parts of the movie that just make me bubble with enthusiasm every time I see them. Like Theoden's 'inspirational' speeches. That's my favorite part, I think.
I'm looking forward to school starting again, since that means a lot of my friends will be back in the area. I'm also looking forward to playing mafia sometime. And I'm *really* looking forward to meeting Vishal's brother (unless this is made up, like his two wives and multiple children).
But mostly, I'm just looking forward to the weekend!
And can I just say that there are parts of the movie that just make me bubble with enthusiasm every time I see them. Like Theoden's 'inspirational' speeches. That's my favorite part, I think.
I'm looking forward to school starting again, since that means a lot of my friends will be back in the area. I'm also looking forward to playing mafia sometime. And I'm *really* looking forward to meeting Vishal's brother (unless this is made up, like his two wives and multiple children).
But mostly, I'm just looking forward to the weekend!
Thursday, September 23, 2004
you seem so out of context
First off, let me say that I know that this will turn out exactly like my experience with the Loro staff: namely, that I will have already known Walter, and so will spend a lot of time building him up and talking about how awesome he is, and then all the people I told will be encouraged to discover him, and after they do that they will realize that he is much cooler than I am. And then I will be sad. But happy too, because I like Walter and he deserves to be recognized for his amazingness.
With that said, allow me to preface this some more by saying that the chances of Walter keeping this updated are slim, and I'm amazed that he said as much as he did in his first post. It was almost like a story. Amazing. But, please, go and worship at his altar: http://walterblog.blogspot.com. It is also linked from my links on the side, should you ever accidentally wind up here again instead of going directly to his site.
I heard that he likes blood sacrifices, if you feel so inclined.
With that said, allow me to preface this some more by saying that the chances of Walter keeping this updated are slim, and I'm amazed that he said as much as he did in his first post. It was almost like a story. Amazing. But, please, go and worship at his altar: http://walterblog.blogspot.com. It is also linked from my links on the side, should you ever accidentally wind up here again instead of going directly to his site.
I heard that he likes blood sacrifices, if you feel so inclined.
and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving
Claudia came over tonight and we hung out, talked, and watched 'The Fabulous Life of Hollywood It Girls' and 'The Surreal Life', both on VH1. I love watching the ridiculous ways in which rich people can spend their money, and everything on 'The Surreal Life' is just retarded. I'm glad Claudia was here, since it somehow justified the expenditure of precious, valuable time on something so stupid. If it's in the name of hanging out with my friends, I'll do just about anything, so this was *totally* worth it.
I had a relatively long day at work, or at least it felt like it, since I had an 8am meeting and I'm used to rolling in sometime after 9. Oh well, I suppose it's occasionally good for me. People are returning to campus this weekend, so that is exciting. I hope to have some good socialization/relaxation time this weekend.
It seems like life is moving so fast. I will go to bed in a few minutes, and when I wake up, I've just lost another seven hours. Well, I suppose that's not a good way to think about it--sleep is very necessary. Instead, I wasted four hours tonight watching VH1. But I was baking a cake, and then hanging out with Claudia, and that's definitely not a waste. However, who knows how long this life will last? And what am I supposed to accomplish before it is finished? Is life something that you accomplish? or is it something that you experience? I don't really like to be a passive bystander in things that I care about, and so I have difficulty believing that life is something that you just experience as it goes by. Rather, it's something that can, to some extent, be directed, and it must be accomplished in some way to provide maximum benefit to yourself and others. At the same time, I believe that a lot of things happen for a reason--I suppose that's the nature of hope, since if I didn't believe that things happened for a reason, I would be pretty pessimistic about my chances of figuring things out/finding love/having children/being happy/etc. So where does that leave me? With a pressing, suffocating belief that I should be *doing* something, accomplishing something, focusing on something with the ultimate aim of improving it/me/everyone, and simultaneously the self-destructive doubt about my chances of success.
It's bad enough when my overwhelming perfectionism paralyzes me from starting a project, but now it's paralyzing me from accomplishing *life*. That's awful! I have to do something, something, anything, just to get myself started.
And my grand beginning: bedtime!
I had a relatively long day at work, or at least it felt like it, since I had an 8am meeting and I'm used to rolling in sometime after 9. Oh well, I suppose it's occasionally good for me. People are returning to campus this weekend, so that is exciting. I hope to have some good socialization/relaxation time this weekend.
It seems like life is moving so fast. I will go to bed in a few minutes, and when I wake up, I've just lost another seven hours. Well, I suppose that's not a good way to think about it--sleep is very necessary. Instead, I wasted four hours tonight watching VH1. But I was baking a cake, and then hanging out with Claudia, and that's definitely not a waste. However, who knows how long this life will last? And what am I supposed to accomplish before it is finished? Is life something that you accomplish? or is it something that you experience? I don't really like to be a passive bystander in things that I care about, and so I have difficulty believing that life is something that you just experience as it goes by. Rather, it's something that can, to some extent, be directed, and it must be accomplished in some way to provide maximum benefit to yourself and others. At the same time, I believe that a lot of things happen for a reason--I suppose that's the nature of hope, since if I didn't believe that things happened for a reason, I would be pretty pessimistic about my chances of figuring things out/finding love/having children/being happy/etc. So where does that leave me? With a pressing, suffocating belief that I should be *doing* something, accomplishing something, focusing on something with the ultimate aim of improving it/me/everyone, and simultaneously the self-destructive doubt about my chances of success.
It's bad enough when my overwhelming perfectionism paralyzes me from starting a project, but now it's paralyzing me from accomplishing *life*. That's awful! I have to do something, something, anything, just to get myself started.
And my grand beginning: bedtime!
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
the district sleeps alone tonight
I'm quite chagrined to realize that I am now on a Postal Service/Death Cab for Cutie kick, thanks to my recent obsession with the 'Garden State' soundtrack. Chalk this up to yet another example of something I hate turning into something I love; luckily it's not in the opposite score column, which is something I love turning into something I irrevocably lose. Thanks, Walter, for pointing out the horrible irony that I inevitably lose what I once loved and love what I once hated.
It's really not so bad as all that, it was just an amusing-in-a-catastrophic-kind-of-way conversation that I had with Walter a few weeks ago. Anyway. Postal Service and Death Cab for Cutie. Good stuff. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that I'm thoroughly sick of all my music; after having my headphones plugged in nine hours a day for the past year, plus all the music I play in my car, plus the fact that I always had my music on for four years in my room in college...all that combined made it pretty much guaranteed that I would end up completely sick of all of my old music. I mean, I still love Counting Crows and Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Bush will always hold a special place in my heart...but I can't take it all day every day right now. All these highly-emotional, soft, high-pitched male vocals and lack of vibrant guitar are the perfect anecdote for my typically-angry, grunting tastes. It's hard to say how much longer this will last, but it's soothing right now, so we'll keep going with it.
I've also been on a domestic kick; last night I made steak (on my red George Foreman grill!) and a baked potato, and tonight I made french toast. Tasty. And I watched 'Love Actually' last night, and 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' tonight (thanks to Michael for getting me these movies for my birthday :) They're both great movies, although I think 'Love Actually' is maybe one of the greatest love movies ever. It's just heartbreakingly wonderful and painful all at the same time, as I think I mentioned when I saw it at Flicks last winter. Sigh.
Speaking of Flicks, I'm going to get a pass this quarter--there are a lot of movies I'd like to see again, starting with 'Dodgeball' at 7pm the first weekend. As for the rest of my life...well, I'm feeling antisocial this week, probably because I wasn't as productive last week as I should have been, and so I'm atoning for that. I also have some pretty big decisions to make about my life, and I feel like they need to happen soon because otherwise my life will definitely start to slip away from me. I'm not as depressed as I was about being 23, though--now it's just something that's accepted fact, rather than something to be afraid of. So, I've accepted that, but I'm not excited about waking up twenty years from now and realizing that I still don't have any idea what I want. So, things need to change. I just hope that I have the courage to follow through with whatever I decide, rather than just letting things slide because it's the path of least resistance. Well, I've surprised myself with the ability to affect massive change before (such as going to Stanford rather than Iowa State), so maybe I'll be able to pull something off.
I also use 'so' a lot as a connector. I like it.
It's really not so bad as all that, it was just an amusing-in-a-catastrophic-kind-of-way conversation that I had with Walter a few weeks ago. Anyway. Postal Service and Death Cab for Cutie. Good stuff. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that I'm thoroughly sick of all my music; after having my headphones plugged in nine hours a day for the past year, plus all the music I play in my car, plus the fact that I always had my music on for four years in my room in college...all that combined made it pretty much guaranteed that I would end up completely sick of all of my old music. I mean, I still love Counting Crows and Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Bush will always hold a special place in my heart...but I can't take it all day every day right now. All these highly-emotional, soft, high-pitched male vocals and lack of vibrant guitar are the perfect anecdote for my typically-angry, grunting tastes. It's hard to say how much longer this will last, but it's soothing right now, so we'll keep going with it.
I've also been on a domestic kick; last night I made steak (on my red George Foreman grill!) and a baked potato, and tonight I made french toast. Tasty. And I watched 'Love Actually' last night, and 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' tonight (thanks to Michael for getting me these movies for my birthday :) They're both great movies, although I think 'Love Actually' is maybe one of the greatest love movies ever. It's just heartbreakingly wonderful and painful all at the same time, as I think I mentioned when I saw it at Flicks last winter. Sigh.
Speaking of Flicks, I'm going to get a pass this quarter--there are a lot of movies I'd like to see again, starting with 'Dodgeball' at 7pm the first weekend. As for the rest of my life...well, I'm feeling antisocial this week, probably because I wasn't as productive last week as I should have been, and so I'm atoning for that. I also have some pretty big decisions to make about my life, and I feel like they need to happen soon because otherwise my life will definitely start to slip away from me. I'm not as depressed as I was about being 23, though--now it's just something that's accepted fact, rather than something to be afraid of. So, I've accepted that, but I'm not excited about waking up twenty years from now and realizing that I still don't have any idea what I want. So, things need to change. I just hope that I have the courage to follow through with whatever I decide, rather than just letting things slide because it's the path of least resistance. Well, I've surprised myself with the ability to affect massive change before (such as going to Stanford rather than Iowa State), so maybe I'll be able to pull something off.
I also use 'so' a lot as a connector. I like it.
Monday, September 20, 2004
the sound of settling
So, I've been rather lazy today to make up for all the running around I did Friday and Saturday. My talk to my prof's SoCo class went really well on Friday; it was nice to go back and remember my project and remember exactly how much I really did for it, and the amount that I did was evident in the slightly glazed expressions of the people in the class. They seemed interested in what I did, but considering that the entire focus of my project changed several times over the course of three years, it's no wonder that I had a hell of a lot of output besides my written-at-the-last-second honors thesis. That was a lot of fun. Friday night was a visit to Patrick's apartment, followed by Felicia's going-away party. Sad business, that...I feel like this is the first year where several people have moved away all at once, and between Walter, Felicia and Jasmine, things won't be quite the same around here :( Sniff, sniff.
Saturday, I had to go to the city for a barbecue in Crissy Field--the directions that I got were wrong, and so we ended up at the opposite end of Van Ness from where we wanted to be, which was a 45-minutes detour. Damn. It was unfortunate for everyone else that I was so late, since I had the plates :) But, whatever, it was a surprisingly lovely day in the marina area, so the afternoon was nice. Then I came back, took a nap, and made a corn casserole to take to a coworker's potluck dinner thing, which was fun. I topped it off by picking up Shedletsky, who had returned that afternoon, and taking him to IHOP for coffee and conversation. I'm looking forward to everyone else getting back as well...especially since online mafia was smashingly fun and I think that the 'group' is much more likely to hang out altogether than it was six months ago. Yay. I'd like to play online mafia again sometime soon, but I would also like to see people in person, even for something other than mafia (such as a beach bonfire or something). Too bad the Wachowski brothers aren't coming out with any movies this fall...
Today, I slept until noon, had lunch with Renee, Vidya, Sri, and Stephan, then came home and slept some more. I took Patrick's cooler back to him tonight, and ended up hanging out in Paloma with Tommy and Ariel and did some desultory helping-with-decorations until I realized that a) I have to get over my longing for being on staff/helping with orientation and b) I need to sleep since I have to work tomorrow. So, sleep is what I should be doing right now.
Saturday, I had to go to the city for a barbecue in Crissy Field--the directions that I got were wrong, and so we ended up at the opposite end of Van Ness from where we wanted to be, which was a 45-minutes detour. Damn. It was unfortunate for everyone else that I was so late, since I had the plates :) But, whatever, it was a surprisingly lovely day in the marina area, so the afternoon was nice. Then I came back, took a nap, and made a corn casserole to take to a coworker's potluck dinner thing, which was fun. I topped it off by picking up Shedletsky, who had returned that afternoon, and taking him to IHOP for coffee and conversation. I'm looking forward to everyone else getting back as well...especially since online mafia was smashingly fun and I think that the 'group' is much more likely to hang out altogether than it was six months ago. Yay. I'd like to play online mafia again sometime soon, but I would also like to see people in person, even for something other than mafia (such as a beach bonfire or something). Too bad the Wachowski brothers aren't coming out with any movies this fall...
Today, I slept until noon, had lunch with Renee, Vidya, Sri, and Stephan, then came home and slept some more. I took Patrick's cooler back to him tonight, and ended up hanging out in Paloma with Tommy and Ariel and did some desultory helping-with-decorations until I realized that a) I have to get over my longing for being on staff/helping with orientation and b) I need to sleep since I have to work tomorrow. So, sleep is what I should be doing right now.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
open up my eager eyes
I'm tired, but happy. It was a really strange day, or rather strange combination of strange things. I woke up early to open the mafia board, and then went straight to work for an 8am meeting. Mafia itself was crazy, due to a bunch of occurrences that are funny only if you know the game in our peculiar variations, and which I can't talk about because people who are still alive read this occasionally.
Even if it was only mafia, it would have been a fun day. But no...first, you can add to that the fantastic dinner I had tonight. It was my group's Q3 offsite, and we went to Left Bank (the santana row branch, not the Menlo Park branch). I had very tasty steak (with a roquefort/butter sauce), and a drink (champagne w/some peach schnapps in it, awesome), and appetizers, and desserts, and tea, and it was *great*. I love that place. I could have eaten a dozen oysters, though, and I only got one, so I'll have to go back at some point. We got into a heated political discussion at the end, made all the more heated when I very stupidly came out as a Republican rather than keeping my mouth shut like I normally do. Two years of being on staff taught me to keep my political views to myself, and I should have stuck to that policy, but I like a good argument sometimes, and I like it better when it's me vs. everyone, so that was great.
But no, the *strangest* thing of the day was that I took a break from work this afternoon, sauntered over to the cafe, and got to listen to a Q&A session with former president Jimmy Carter. So weird! To be able to take a break from work and go listen to a former president...awesome. Simply amazing.
Oh, and I found out that there are like four straight paragraphs on me in this article in the Stanford Report: http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2004/september1/sophcollege-91.html
I talked to the dude a few weeks ago after my prof passed my name to him for his article, but I forgot all about it. However, my old manager came up to me today and said that he'd read the article. So, I checked it out--and was amused/slightly horrified to note that the magazine reported that I only intended to stay at work long enough to save money before grad school. Hahaha. They always say you shouldn't really tell people you are planning to exit until you have the exit strategy in place--and now, I have no strategy (since I don't know if I'm applying this year or next) and anyone under the sun can read that I am planning to leave work in the near- to mid-future. Ah, lovely.
Anyway, time for bed! Take care, my friends, and come back to school soon--I miss you.
Even if it was only mafia, it would have been a fun day. But no...first, you can add to that the fantastic dinner I had tonight. It was my group's Q3 offsite, and we went to Left Bank (the santana row branch, not the Menlo Park branch). I had very tasty steak (with a roquefort/butter sauce), and a drink (champagne w/some peach schnapps in it, awesome), and appetizers, and desserts, and tea, and it was *great*. I love that place. I could have eaten a dozen oysters, though, and I only got one, so I'll have to go back at some point. We got into a heated political discussion at the end, made all the more heated when I very stupidly came out as a Republican rather than keeping my mouth shut like I normally do. Two years of being on staff taught me to keep my political views to myself, and I should have stuck to that policy, but I like a good argument sometimes, and I like it better when it's me vs. everyone, so that was great.
But no, the *strangest* thing of the day was that I took a break from work this afternoon, sauntered over to the cafe, and got to listen to a Q&A session with former president Jimmy Carter. So weird! To be able to take a break from work and go listen to a former president...awesome. Simply amazing.
Oh, and I found out that there are like four straight paragraphs on me in this article in the Stanford Report: http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2004/september1/sophcollege-91.html
I talked to the dude a few weeks ago after my prof passed my name to him for his article, but I forgot all about it. However, my old manager came up to me today and said that he'd read the article. So, I checked it out--and was amused/slightly horrified to note that the magazine reported that I only intended to stay at work long enough to save money before grad school. Hahaha. They always say you shouldn't really tell people you are planning to exit until you have the exit strategy in place--and now, I have no strategy (since I don't know if I'm applying this year or next) and anyone under the sun can read that I am planning to leave work in the near- to mid-future. Ah, lovely.
Anyway, time for bed! Take care, my friends, and come back to school soon--I miss you.
Monday, September 13, 2004
we were meant to live for so much more
I had a busy day at work, and then had dinner at Fiesta del Mar with Claudia and Aditya. It was tasty, and as always very fun, since Adit can always enliven any get-together.
And the endless quest to figure out what I should do next year continues...but yeah that's all I really need to say about that.
And the endless quest to figure out what I should do next year continues...but yeah that's all I really need to say about that.
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