Saturday, September 26, 2015

baby, kiss me before they turn the lights out

I don't know what to say about today - parts of it were hard, parts of it were lovely, and all of it is worth remembering in some capacity. I failed to write this morning as planned, since I'm still not feeling well and so allowed myself to sleep in. But I got up, showered, got dressed, and then ended up seeing my niece (Sammi) and her daughter (Jaicee), who came over to visit for an hour or two. Jaicee is six, and while she is super cute, she was also super squirmy and demanding, possibly because she recently had pneumonia (which she is still recovering from) and so was banned from a lot of fun times over the last week or two. I'm somewhat convinced that she has given me whatever she had, since she wanted me to hold her/play with her the whole time. At some point, I asked her to stop smearing her hands all over my face because she was going to give me pneumonia, and she said, "Pneumonia isn't that bad." Lol. #themoreyouknow, I guess.

sssanyway, Sammi and Jaicee eventually left, and I ate a forlorn leftover lunch, then did a tiny bit of work, and then took a nap. Then I talked to [censored], and then I talked to my dad, and then I got ready and went into town for Katie's dad's wake. They are having the funeral in Illinois, but they did a visitation here for the people who knew him in our community (which is where he lived for almost forty years, but in rural areas that's just past 'newcomer' status, I guess). I can't remember the last time I saw Katie's dad, but I can still hear his voice, and it was very bittersweet to see all the photos of him and Katie's mom and their family.

The wake lasted a couple of hours, and I mostly spent it catching up with Hannah and Elaina (Katie, Hannah, Elaina and I were mostly inseparable, in varying configurations, through high school). I also spent some quality time with James's husband and her daughters (mostly Julia, who was too young to run away, which sounds creepier than it is), and I talked to Katie's siblings, and it was good to see all of them despite the circumstances. Even though in many ways it feels like I haven't changed and things haven't changed, moments like these remind me of how much things *have* changed...especially when I start to think that, for Katie, there's not much reason to come back here after this, and perhaps that will be true for me someday as well (although I still have siblings here, and she doesn't).

But those are ruminations better saved for my journal. After the wake was over, Elaina and Hannah and I dropped a bunch of food and stuff off at the motel for Katie's family, and then we went with [censored] to Ludlow's, which is the main dining opportunity in town. We spent a couple of hours there, laughing to a perhaps unseemly degree over a lot of slightly inappropriate things (as often happens when [censored] is involved...unlike me, since I am so pure and unlikely to say anything inappropriate). We were also continually judged by a pair of toddler twins who stared at us with the most condemning looks ever. And, in an odd twist, one of my favorite high school teachers (social studies with a side of inappropriate humor) happened to be eating there; he came over and said hi, and it was all as ridiculous as one might have hoped. And it was really nice to see Hannah and Elaina - I tend to be terrible at seeing anyone here since I tend to join my mother in hermitville whenever I come home, but I'm glad we hung out, and hopefully it won't take another funeral to see them again.

So, after a really strange series of highs ands lows today, and the ebb and flow of memory, and the odd mix of grief and relief and nostalgia and bittersweet goodbyes, it's time to go to bed. Goodnight!

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