cause all of my kindness is taken for weakness

My liver continues to take New York by storm. My writing...not so much. Today was lowkey and wonderful, though. I woke up around 6:30, promptly decided that was stupid, and went back to bed until nine. Then I did some business-type stuff, showered, grabbed a coffee and some yogurt to prevent my untimely demise, and did some more work until it was time to abandon Terry's apartment/neighborhood and go to Hell's Kitchen (appropriately named in this heat) for lunch with a romance writer friend.

Some of you may remember her - I call her Vivi, but her name is also Sarah, and she attended the wine bus birthday celebration that Terry and I had when we turned thirty. Vivi/Sarah and I hadn't seen each other since the romance conference last year in San Antonio, and we had a ton to catch up on. This was duly accomplished over margaritas (only one each! I feel so puritanical!) and food at Limon Jungle; the food was decent enough, but the company was great, and it was excellent to reunite and get caught up on everything before the conference begins and we're both slammed with other activities.

After lunch, I came back to Terry's, cooled off for a few moments, and then went out in search of more hipsterish iced coffee than I could get at Starbucks, since my hipster soul was becoming parched. I succeeded at Irving Farm, where they served my iced coffee in a widemouth mason jar, which made me feel right at home despite the fact that it's so absurdly fucking hot outside. So I did some more work there for a couple of hours, which made me feel slightly better about life.

Of course, I wasn't really intending to work all that diligently on this trip, so when I found out Terry was home from work, I abandoned my writing and came back to her apartment, where we had a glass of wine and talked about corporate ridiculousness like the good old days. We then had an early dinner (sushi, with some really excellent/interesting rolls), and then we met Vivi/Sarah and her friend Leigh for drinks at The Smith. Leigh also works in television, so it was good for her and Terry to meet, and the four of us had a delightful, albeit slightly 'Sex and the City'-ish, conversation.

But all good things must end, so Terry and I came back to her apartment, watched a couple of episodes of "Parks and Rec" (shut up, not addicted), and then called it a night. And now I must sleep - I intend to write tomorrow, and maybe go to the gym, and maybe buy a handbag, and definitely check into my hotel, and absolutely have drinks with a blast from the past (suspense!) before going to a romance writer event. Goodnight!

listen to your heart

Today was quite decidedly awesome, thanks for asking! I lazed about like the wench I am until nine, when Terry went for a run and I decided I should shower and pull myself together. Then we went down to Chelsea for a special brunch with an extra special guest appearance from Tammy (aka Tammmmehhhhhh) and Daniel (aka the sad alpaca, although he's looking particularly happy and buoyant these days with his spiffy new hair). Tammy is living in Philadelphia now, but Daniel moved to NYC and she comes up to see him pretty often, and she graciously agreed to come up and hang out with me on my free day in the city.

So we went to Montmartre, a French bistro-y place that was super cute and super delish. I drank sparkling rosé, which makes everything right with the world, and coffee, which makes things even righter. I survived Terry/Tammy/Daniel splitting pancakes as an appetizer in front of me, but it was worth it since my breakfast was super tasty (soft scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, and potatoes). After brunch, we went to Chelsea Market to wander around, and I had vague PTSD flashbacks to my day job since I used to go to Chelsea Market every time I visited the NYC office. We then proceeded up to the High Line for popsicles, since it was a million and thirty degrees today and we were all dying despite our best efforts to dress for the heat.

It was totally awesome to see Tammy, of course; I hadn't seen her and Daniel since Shedletsky's wedding last year, where we were all groomsmen (although clearly Daniel was the most important groomsman of the bunch). So, we caught up on her life in Philly, which seems to involve a lot of poverty and taking of buses (but when she's done with her medical residency eventually, none of that will ever be true again). Hopefully I'll see her again sometime soon, but it will clearly require me coming to NYC since she'll never come to SF again (not that she's the only person lobbying for me to move to New York...).

sssanyway, Terry and I left them around 2:15 and went to midtown, since we had tickets to see 'An Act of God'. It's a ninety-minute one-act play starring Jim Parsons (Sheldon in Big Bang Theory), in which God has taken over Jim Parsons' body and has deigned to spend ninety minutes giving us a new set of ten commandments and answering audience questions. I thought the script was super funny and clever, and Jim Parsons is a great actor - he displayed way more range than you may have thought from the play description, and I was really impressed. It was definitely a great way to spend part of an afternoon, especially since I rarely get around to doing stuff like that in SF.

After the theatre, we went to Central Park and had drinks (cocktails + more rosé) and cheese/charcuterie at Tavern on the Green. Then we came back to Terry's apartment, took a break from the heat while watching tv, and eventually (and perhaps surprisingly) rallied to have dinner at Piccolo, a cute, tiny Italian place a few blocks from Terry's building. We also discussed Rafe and Octavia's story, and I may be switching gears slightly (back to a gear I'd previously been on), but I remain ever hopeful that I'll eventually finish this fucking book.

Once we were done with dinner (and yet more wine), we came back to the apartment again and watched a couple of episodes of 'Parks and Rec' that were perhaps too on the nose for some of my recent angst, but that somehow made them even funnier to me. And now, I shall sleep and hopefully get on east coast time so that I can accomplish all the things tomorrow - I want to write, go to the gym, and have lunch with a writer friend, so we'll see if I make it. Goodnight!

i'll be holding all the tickets and you'll be owing all the fines

I have arrived in New York, and it is glorious - just as glorious as you always guessed in your youth, even though the guys in the Pace Picante Sauce commercial made it sound like a veritable hellmouth of sin and tastelessness.

As you can probably guess from that opener, my day was lovely and mildly alcohol-fueled. I got up at 4:20, was in a cab at 5:15, managed to grab a v. quick, rushed breakfast at the airport, and successfully boarded my 6:45am flight without incident. I flew first class because I'm a fancy bitch (also, because I need tax writeoffs and this is the only work trip I have this year, although I guess I can write off the plane ticket to Hawaii if I buy before the end of the year), so I was pretty comfortable all the way to NYC. That meant that I was able to sleep, daydream, listen to my music, and eventually write five pages of Rafe and Octavia's story while drinking a Bailey's on the rocks...all before noon my time.

That would have been the perfect morning, but the time change meant that I arrived in NYC at three p.m., and then I had to collect my bags and grab a taxi to Terry's (remember her? she was my roommate). It is a million and ten degrees in NYC, but it was actually pretty nice today (I think it's supposed to be a million and thirty degrees tomorrow), so I have survived Day 1. Terry's place is super cute - it's v. nicely decorated, just the right size for her, and on a street that has some v. dangerous shopping opportunities.

So we caught up for a brief moment in her apartment before I switched into something more befitting of our state (single, relatively young, not homeless or traveling cross-country) and we trekked out in search of wine and snacks. Our first stop was a wine bar near Terry's place, where we had cheese and prosciutto (I was starving) and a glass and a half of wine each. Then we went down to the West Village (via subway - Terry actually takes public transportation here, which is as shocking to me as it is to you, but it's the thing to do in NYC, I guess), walked around a bit, and then had dinner at Extra Virgin (a Mediterranean-ish place, although my steak with bearnaise sauce was way more French than anything else). It was v. posh and lovely, although since we split a bottle of wine, I probably would have thought anything was v. posh and lovely.

Anyway, that all gave us loads of time to catch up, which was lovely; we've been doing a better-than-expected job of having occasional video calls to stay in touch, but in person and mildly intoxicated is always better. Then we came home (via cab, because Terry hasn't totally succumbed to public transit yet), sat on the couch, and watched three episodes of Parks and Rec (because neither of us have changed at all, obvi).

And now I desperately need to sleep - I didn't get my afternoon nap today, and we have brunch plans and Broadway play plans and dinner plans and all sorts of other plans tomorrow, and I theoretically want to write before all that (hahaha). Goodnight!

said you had to leave to start your life over

I know I usually don't start out with any sort of excitement at all in these posts, but I have to say...I'm super fucking excited to go to New York.

My flight is in approximately nine hours, so I should probably go to bed immediately. But I spent the day getting ready to go - some work/emailing people at a cafe early this morning (where I hung out with Hugo), followed by a mani/pedi (I always up my grooming game for these events...not that I'm particularly slovenly otherwise, but my grey gel manicure looks especially spiffy), followed by lunch at MyMy since I have no groceries in the house (I will come home to one package of pepperjack cheese, one container of cottage cheese, a few eggs, and a rotting apple). Then I did another hour of work at at the cafe, where I saw Hugo and Chandlord briefly...but I couldn't hang out for long, since I had many preparations to make before leaving.

Of course, I left packing almost too late, so it's hard to tell if I did it properly (the lateness may have been impacted by taking a nap and calling my parents, but since I did laundry while those things were happening, I don't feel too bad). Luckily I'm not signing books this year, so I'm not taking much swag, and I remembered to take my business cards, so I think I'm good there. I also tried on dresses and figured out exactly which outfits I need for which days (in a bid to not overpack, which I think was successful, but since I'm gone for eleven days or so I need a lot of stuff). And then I cleaned my kitchen, took out my recycling, surprised and delighted my neighbor down the hall by giving her fresh flowers (I'd gotten them a couple of days ago and they were looking too nice to throw away), finished packing, did some more romance work, etc., etc.

Anyway, I'm eager to get going...I have a really good feeling about this conference, and I feel like things are shaping up in a way that points to good opportunities (or at least fun networking) coming out of all of this. And, of course, I'm also excited to see a bunch of east coast friends, eat a bunch of delicious food, do some fun things, kill my liver, and die of heatstroke.

So, get excited for my east coast adventures since that's what the blog will be for the next week or two. You're welcome. Goodnight!

i gave her my heart but she wanted my soul

I still haven't packed for NYC, but since I have over twenty-four hours to rectify this, you shouldn't be surprised. Today was great, though. I woke up relatively early and went to the cafe (and made the mistake of walking down Sutter instead of Bush; one block is enough to determine whether you smell normal city odors or the horrific wafts of human feces everywhere), where I worked for a few hours (although I did more business stuff than writing). Then I walked to my old neighborhood, where I checked in on Tony; he was in good form, as usual, and I felt v. relaxed and well-satisfied sitting at the counter and chatting with him while eating my breakfast/lunch. He even commented on how relaxed I look now that I don't have the day job - I may be a seething mass of nerves inside, but I certainly look healthier than I have in a long time, so I'll keep faking it until I make it.

After lunch, I went to the AT&T store to get a new screen protector for my phone (the last one died a noble death in the line of duty when I dropped my phone on the marble threshold of my apartment as I changed my mind about exiting; I thought the screen had cracked, but only the protector had), and then I did some desultory shopping on Union Street (the first time I've bought new clothes since leaving my job two months ago, which is a new record for me - and by limiting myself to only one dress and one top, that's also a new record).

But then I suddenly wanted to be home immediately, so I walked back to my apartment. The weather was gorgeous on the walk back, and I never get anything done in the doldrums of mid-afternoon anyway, so I decided to put on a swimsuit and write/brainstorm by the pool (which I haven't used since I moved in). But in the twenty minutes it took me to put on my swimsuit / cover my pale flesh in sunscreen / hydrate / gather my things, the fog had rolled in, and so the pool was way chillier than I expected. I gritted it out for twenty minutes and took a sort-of nap on the deck, and then I sat in the hot tub for ten minutes to warm up again before coming back upstairs and showering. So the plan was nearly entirely unsuccessful - but now that I've realized this is a potentially viable option (barring fog), I expect to do it whenever I have the chance.

Anyway, feeling v. smug with myself for taking advantage of the fact that I can do whatever I want, I showered, dried my hair, and walked to Fillmore to work for an hour before dinner. I decided to do my writing at a wine bar, which was a mistake; the regular clientele turned out to be super annoying (moreso because the place was dead and so there was no masking their conversation), and then a couple who may have been on a first or second date sat next to me, and I was too amused/appalled by them to concentrate. But I did some good planning for the next Rafe/Octavia scene, which should make tomorrow easier...

...and then I went to Troya, where I met Lauren (aka Subz) for a delightful dinner/catch-up session. It's now completely and utterly apparent that she's having a baby, which is super exciting (and reminds me that I need to do some stuff for the baby shower). And she was in v. fine form; but then, I always enjoy seeing her. I'm not sure she always enjoys hearing the latest ridiculous updates from my life, but she at least pretends to be amused (like the people on the date I observed earlier, although I think she actually does like me).

And now, after coming home and doing another hour of work (is it work if I was looking at hotels in Hawaii? my tax writeoff for the Hawaii conference says yes), it's time to sleep - goodnight!

walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn

I'm leaving for NYC in 2.5 days, so I really need to get cracking on all the stuff on my to-do list. Today was pretty good for that, though; I woke up early this morning (much earlier than I actually got out of bed, thanks to a weird alarm situation going on outside, but I bitterly stayed in bed until seven out of sheer spite), and I went to the cafe for an hour and a half to write/scribble in my journal. There was more scribbling than writing, but I'll take what I can get. Then I said hi to Hugo (we are ships crossing in the night, or rather, at dawn, since I get there before he does), came home, packed my bag, and drove to the south bay to see Alyssa.

I thought my workout wasn't all that hard, but she said, v. mildly, "I'm interested to see how you feel tomorrow" - and based on how my back is feeling, I'm slowly beginning to put two and two together. We deadlifted for the first time in a couple of months (many reps at 135lb), and then we did cleans and presses. She also had me try pressing the 16kg kettlebell for the first time, which was a jhoke; I can do a 12kg with no problems, but adding 4kg was more of a jump than I expected. So I look forward to seeing what new and strange tortures she's going to add to get me to the 16kg press...

...but that's a torture that I won't have to deal with for a couple of weeks. After we trained, I showered, grabbed a salad, drove home, and took a nap. Then I stopped at Philz for a coffee before going downtown to my salon, where they worked on making me more ladylike for my conference. That means my brows are now tamed (and no longer white), and my hair has been cut (although the blowout won't last, obvi).

And then I came home and spent the last three hours working - I had to figure out what I'm packing, and I did some pricing stuff for my books that always takes forever (with more to do tomorrow after some of today's changes go into effect), and I registered for a conference in Hawaii next year (because, obvi, it's Hawaii in February, which is waaaaay better than San Francisco in February). And now I need to sleep so I can repeat all of this again tomorrow, with more work and less deadlifts. Goodnight!

more than a feeling

I had a lovely, rather unusually nice day today, with a decent combination of work + playing hooky + homemaking to keep me energized. I got up earlyish and was at the cafe by 8am, where I did an hour and a half of work before Kathia picked me up for our day's adventure. We went up to Sonoma to hang out for a few hours, and it was totally delightful - it was quite warm up there, which gave me a chance to wear the awesome black sundress I bought for Bora Bora (but never got around to wearing there). We wandered around the square for awhile, eventually settling down at a cafe to have a glass of champagne since the tasting rooms weren't open yet (how dare they not serve wine at 10:30am on a Tuesday!).

But eventually things did open, and we had a leisurely, totally delicious lunch at The Girl and the Fig. We split some radishes (not my fave, but they were good enough) and a bowl of their corn bisque (totally my fave), and then we each had a steak, which made my heart and my stomach happy. We also had wine flights (whites for me and picpoul for Kathia, which is a white varietal that I'd never heard of before), and the sommelier was so freaking excited about explaining the picpoul flight that it was v. adorable to watch.

Eventually, though, Kathia abandoned me so that she could get a massage (the reason she was going to Sonoma; I was along for the ride), and so I wrote for an hour and a half while nursing an iced tea against the heat at another cafe's outdoor patio. Then she picked me up and we made it back to the city by four, which was perfect - I desperately needed to do laundry tonight in preparation for my trip, and I also wanted to clean my bathroom, unpack the picture frames I ordered a month ago to make sure none of them were broken before the return deadline passed, etc., etc.

So, all of that was duly accomplished, and I only spent an hour or so messing around on the internet and distracting myself in the meantime. Oh, and I took a nap, but that was v. necessary after the wine+writing+sun. And now you know everything I care to tell you, and I must sleep so that I can write before the gym tomorrow - goodnight!

tryna break the chains but the chains only break me

Today was a really long day, almost like I was back at the day job, but the day job isn't paying me for the time I spent there. I woke up early (actually, really early - at 2:30am I woke up to a highly acidic stomach and a too-hot bedroom, which made the rest of my sleep restless) and made it to train with Alyssa by 8am, which was way too early for my non-dayjob life. But that got me to a 10:30am doctor's appointment, followed by a couple of hours spent working at Philz Coffee in Palo Alto. Sitting on the shade-dappled patio with an iced coffee may have added to my stomach acid, but it certainly helped my headache.

Finally, though, it was time to interact with other people and stop playing with my fictional world. The first stop was the Samsung campus in Mountain View, which I've never been to; I was there to see Amit, whom I haven't seen in eight years or so, and have lunch with him and Vidya (whom I haven't seen in eight hours or so) to talk about the charity they work with and some ideas Amit has for eventually writing a book. I learned that Samsung employees have to pay for food, which seems barbaric, but Amit bought our lunch and it was all v. nice.

So it was great to catch up with them and to see Amit again after all this time. But I was on a schedule, so I said goodbye to them and went to my old place of employment to have coffee (aka drink water, since I had already had so much caffeine that I was twitching) with Eugene. He commented that I'm like the old retired spy in the spy movies who has been out of the game for years, but who still has all the files and knows where all the bodies are buried...I think I'll take that as a compliment. We caught up privately in a building away from where we sat, but then I went back with him to say hi to whomever happened to be around. More people had showed up to work today than usual, so I got a v. sweaty hug from Tomas, a less-sweaty hug from Lillian, and some good conversation from Viviana (who perhaps still hasn't forgiven me for leaving), Yune, Manuela, and Shannon. Of course, I can't catch up on everything (nor, perhaps, should I want to), but it was good to see those people...

...but I eventually needed to get off campus before I forgot that I didn't work there, so I went to Starbucks in Mountain View and messed around on the internet for a couple of hours, since I was too done to do anything else. Then I met Joann (of spinster honeymoon fame) for dinner; we hadn't seen each other since our trip, and we had a lot to catch up on. This was duly accomplished at Pacific Catch, which was not at all as Pacific as our previous adventures, but I'll take it.

And now I must sleep, and hope my stomach behaves itself tonight so that I can have fun and get stuff done tomorrow (perhaps in that order, if my plans with Kathia hold). Goodnight!

i wanna get better

I'm still blocked on Rafe and Octavia, to some extent, but that's becoming an incredibly depressing topic of conversation. And by 'incredibly depressing' I mean that I'm starting to get angry at myself for not being better at compartmentalizing my personal life so that I can write more effectively.

You may point out that getting angry about this isn't helpful; you'd be correct. However, on some level I simply haven't dealt with all the inherent/residual stress involved from having blown up my whole life over the past three months and switched apartments / quit jobs / said goodbye to coworkers whom I'd thought I would stay in touch with more regularly / committed to a creative life that involves a lot of solitude and not a lot of reassurance.

And unfortunately I haven't found a great way to write effectively while my monkey mind is so easily distracted. But writing in the morning seems to help, so I'm going to prioritize that. And there have been a lot of great things in the past couple of months - I've had more time for my friends, and for going to the gym, and I've been eating better and drinking less (I know, I'm shocked too), and I've been slowly connecting with other writers and starting to do things for my writing business that I've been meaning to do forever.

So really, it's all good. I just want to focus this week so that I can get into a groove before I leave for NYC, since I have high hopes of writing while I'm there as well. But it's time to turn those hopes into a reality, even if the slog is hard; the end result will be worth it.

sssanyway, today wasn't all doom and gloom despite the past few paragraphs. I got up early and did some work at Cafe du Soleil before meeting Jess and John there for breakfast (don't call it brunch!). As I mentioned on Thursday, I missed Jess's musical salon night because I got sucked into the seedy underworld of whisky and tattoos, so I felt it was imperative to catch up as soon as possible after that debacle. So we discussed our respective lives over mimosas (still, don't call it brunch), and I had the totally scrumptious spanish-style tortilla (basically egg and potato, which are two of my favorite things). And it was good to see them before I go to NYC and they move to Berkeley and our friendship dies a sudden death as the Bay Bridge comes between us.

After that, I came back to my neighborhood and went to Another Cafe, where I worked for a couple of hours on Octavia's character/style/mannerisms, since I feel like she's not quite coming together for me. I also said hi to Hugo, who was working there as per usual. But I didn't stay for all that long; I had a hangout date with Terry so that we could coordinate on my upcoming trip (yay!). And then I cleaned the kitchen, threw out an impressive display of mold formerly known as my compost, and called my parents. They have baby peacocks now, because of course they do.

At that point I contemplated walking down to the Marina and eating steak/drinking wine at Aix, but luckily I checked their website and discovered they're closed on Sundays. So I instead took the half-assed approach and bought sushi at Whole Foods, and then decided to drink water instead of opening the champagne I considered opening. I have to train with Alyssa at 8am tomorrow, so sobriety seemed like the better part of valor. And then I spent the rest of the night answering some emails, taking care of business, writing in my journal, and planning my to-dos for the week or two ahead.

And now, I'm going to breathe in, breathe out (green to red, machinehead), and remember that I went through all of this the last time I quit my job, and I seem to be getting closer to the end of the tunnel much faster than I did last time, so this is all good. If nothing else, the fear spirals this weekend were better than last weekend, or the weekend before that, which seems to indicate progress - and I don't have time for fear spirals this week, since I have lots to do before going to NYC (where all fear will die naturally while I'm having fun/being inspired, or it will be killed by the Rat King in the subways, either way). And on that note, I shall also stop being dramatic and go to bed. Goodnight!

some nights i stay up cashing in my bad luck

Today was pretty mellow, but it went somewhat according to plan...no writing, but enough socializing to keep my head clear so I can hopefully get some writing done tomorrow. I woke up in time to eat some breakfast, drive to Palo Alto, and work out at Equinox - I forgot that Saturday mornings in Palo Alto mean a lot of suburban moms/dads attempting to get a workout in, and the gym was packed compared to hangover-time in San Francisco. But I got my workout in, showered, and made it to brunch with Heather (aka dear respected madam) right on time, so I felt v. smug about that.

We met up at Joanie's, which, as you know, I adore; happily, they still have almost all the same staff as they had years ago when I used to go there all the time, and they always act so happy to see me (and I'm, obvi, v. happy to see them). Heather and I hadn't seen each other since right before I left work / went to Bora Bora, so we had a ton to catch up on. We spent a couple of hours at Joanie's, and then we went across the street to Printers' Cafe, where I had an iced coffee on top of the endlessly-replenished coffee I had at Joanie's (on top of the tea I drank on the way to the gym), which made me all twitchy and crazy on the drive home. But the caffeine rush was worth it to have some quality time with Heather - she's one of my faves, and I don't see her nearly often enough.

All good things must come to an end, though, so I drove home and took a nap (which was more of an attempt to rest my eyeballs than anything else, since my caffeinated state was too extreme to allow for real sleep). Then I messed around at home for a few minutes before deciding to actually follow through on the plan I'd made with Hugo and Vidya (a plan that I had thought I would almost certainly bail on) - I went to the Mission (I know, so unusual for me), in a very sketchy Lyft situation (the driver was fielding calls from his boss, which seems weird, about an accident he'd had earlier in the day, which didn't instill confidence).

Once I arrived safely, I had drinks at Cease and Desist, where Hugo and Ken and some other people whom I've befriended at a nearby cafe were guest bartending (with all tips going to charity). I hadn't intended to drink tonight, since I feel like I still need to detox from my weird tattoo-whisky night on Thursday, but I ended up having a glass of wine and one of Ken's daiquiris (but it was for a good cause, so it doesn't count, right?). And I should really write it off on my taxes, since I may have convinced Ken's wife and her friend to buy my latest book, so I guess this should count as marketing. But it was fun to hang out with all of them, even if going to a bar from six to eight meant that I came home slightly tipsy while the sun was still out, which is ridiculous.

But I got home without drama, and I read a book for the last hour or so (a young adult fantasy to help me understand the market better for my not-gargoyle book...but the book I'm reading pretty much sucks despite being a bestseller, so I'm a little disappointed). And now I'm going to go to bed so I can pursue social + writing plans tomorrow - goodnight!

i would do anything for love (but i won't do that)

My hangover this morning wasn't all that epic, but there was a point where I certainly didn't feel well...but that could have been from eating steak at eleven p.m. after drinking whisky on an empty stomach, and not necessarily from sheer quantity of alcohol consumed (which wasn't really all that much). However, I managed to drag myself out of bed, shower, and make it to the San Francisco office in time for lunch with Natalie, who was one of the people on the team I used to work on. It was great to catch up with her, and we talked about the fun stuff I've missed since my departure ('fun' may not be entirely accurate), writing, life, etc.

So, that lovely interlude put my in a great mood...and then I followed it up with a facial, which made things even better. Then I came home, sent some emails, and decided that I needed to get out of the house. So I went to Another Cafe, where I did a few hours of busy-work and spent some quality time talking to Hugo, who has made me exceedingly glad that I don't have to study for the bar exam like he does.

By sevenish, though, I was done, so I came home, ate a sandwich, messed around online, and painted my nails. And now I'm going to indulge my inner hermit (and my inner hangover) and go to sleep early so that I can be in it to win it tomorrow -- goodnight!

cakes on a plane

Today did not go *at all* like I intended for it to go. That was somewhat good, somewhat bad. The somewhat bad part was that I intended to write several thousand words and didn't actually end up writing anything. But it wasn't all bad...I spent several productive hours brainstorming a plot element that requires significant planning, as well as thinking through the plot of the third book so that I don't screw it up with this one. That's all necessary stuff, but it doesn't make it any easier to wish that the writing would come more easily...

...but beyond that, today was good. I went to the cafe by nine and saw Hugo there (earlier than usual), so I hung out with him downstairs while working for a few hours. Then I left during a break in the drizzle to come home, write some emails, eat some leftover steak with fresh eggs, and take a nap (my life is hard). Eventually, I had to pry myself off the sofa and into the shower, which did a lot to cleanse my sins.

At that point, I was planning to meet Kathia for a writing date, followed by Jess's art|song salon, so I put on a cute dress, tights, and boots. However, Kathia was getting a tattoo redone, and it was taking a bit longer than she expected, so she said I should meet her there. This turned out to be totally awesome, but it lasted for five and a half fucking hours, which meant that I a) missed Jess's performance, and b) missed dinner, which was crucial. It was particularly crucial because, in something that seems totally verboten for tattoo artists, we were drinking wine and whisky from the bottle during the whole experience.

Wine and whisky together is always bad; wine and whisky on an empty stomach is worse. But I had an awesome time watching Kathia get tattooed, even though it took way way longer than it should have (see: breaks necessary for the tattoo artist to drink more whisky). Her husband Jerry was there, and at some point we somehow managed to pick up Jason and Steve, who happened across the tattoo guy drinking outside and decided to join us. Steve died at some point (and by that I mean he disappeared), but he was replaced by Eli (aka Steve 2.0). And a truly fantastic time was had by all -- the tattoo guy, despite his rather lax approach to sobriety, was hilarious (he proposed not-marriage to me, which I accepted), and he did some awesome (but still unfinished) work on Kathia's shoulder.

Eventually, though, we called it quits and went to Bell Tower for a v. late (post-ten p.m.) dinner, where Kathia and I both ordered the steaks we'd been dreaming of for hours. And then I came home, and now I'm intent on passing out in my own bed before the whisky and wine overtake me. Goodnight!

i can see it coming, i can see it come for miles

I had a decent enough day, I suppose, but getting up early to train with Alyssa kind of threw me off my game. Not that I got up that much earlier than I've been getting up, but it turns out that morning is my most productive time (I hate myself), and so I didn't get anything done before seeing her (although the workout might have been better than usual). Then I showered, had breakfast at Joanie's, checked my mail in Palo Alto, and was home by 12:30.

Theoretically that left me the whole afternoon to write...but I don't do that well in the afternoons. And I needed a nap. So I took a nap, then messed around on the internet, then dragged myself to the cafe with the intention of writing, but I mostly did business-type stuff instead. By five I figured I was never going to accomplish anything (and some brogrammers were being particularly loud, which I found particularly annoying), so I came home with the intention of doing nothing tonight.

But happily, I was lured out of my hermitville and back into productivity by John, who was working at Cafe du Soleil and gave me a heads up so I could join him. This accomplished two things: a) I got to see John, and b) I got the glass of wine I'd been wanting but couldn't have at my cafe. So we caught up for a bit, and then did an hour of work (finally - no new scene, but I made some progress on my thinking), and then we had a late dinner at Thep Phanom. All in all, this was quite delightful, and I'm glad we got to spend some quality time together before I go to NYC and he moves to Berkeley and we never see each other again (okay, maybe "never" is a strong word).

Now, though, I need to sleep so that I can get up in the morning and seize my productive time like it's meant to be seized. Goodnight!

say something i'm giving up on you

Tomorrow morning is going to feel like I'm going back to the day job, because I have to see Alyssa at eight a.m....but then I think I'm going to have breakfast at Joanie's after rather than going to slog through a bunch of emails/aggravations, so even though getting up and driving down early will suck, the rest of the day will be great. And maybe I will slog through emails...but at least they'll be emails of my own doing, and not emails related to the day job.

Today was pretty good - I didn't write anything fresh, but I spent several very productive hours at a cafe combing through the timeline of the overarching series and making notes of how the scenes I've planned for this book match up to the scenes that already existed in the previous book. At this point I've probably planned as much as I can plan and I just need to start writing, which is always, always the hardest step. So maybe tomorrow I just need to do it. Or get drunk and do it. Or something.

Anyway, I came home for a late lunch, took a nap, tried on dresses for NYC (I have no idea what I'm going to pack, but I have enough options), took a shower, and then spent some quality time at a Facebook party for someone else's book launch. Yes, that sounds silly. Basically I spent half an hour 'hosting', which meant liking people's posts and occasionally writing (hopefully, possibly not) witty things on the page. But it counts as work, so whatever. Then I went back to the cafe for my second shift; this time I didn't intend to write, but instead I spent the hours of 5:30 to 7:30 taking care of business stuff, reevaluating my defunct Tumblr, going through my website and making notes of everything I need to update, and working on the cover for my new book.

So, getting some business stuff done felt good, even if I'm probably still procrastinating from the book. Then I came home again, ate something, messed around on the internet, and packed my bags for tomorrow.

And now I'm going to sleep, hopefully dream something good, train early tomorrow, and hopefully write something good. Goodnight!

everything that you ever dreamed of disappearing when you wake up

Today was marginally better than yesterday...actually, it was a lot better, although I was still prone to despair in the darkest parts of the afternoon. But I woke up at 6:45 and was at the cafe before eight, where I got in a solid couple of hours of work before leaving to train with Alyssa. It was going well this morning, and I sort of regretted breaking the concentration to go south -- while I'm glad that I'm still seeing her, that's the one problem in favor of no longer going to Palo Alto, since it definitely eats into the most productive time of my day.

But the workout itself was good, and I have no regrets about that (even if my hands are developing multiple stripes of calluses, which feels so unladylike - I'll never marry a Regency duke now!). Then I showered, ate lunch, and went to San Mateo for a writing date with Anne, Barbara, and Poppy. I hadn't seen them since before Texas, so it was good to catch up, and I got a lot done there as well. But by five p.m. I was totally fried, and I had to stick around for a couple of hours anyway because I had plans nearby and there was no point in going home. So I messed around online and messed around in my journal in a somewhat desultory fashion, which didn't help my mood...

...but then I met up with Shedletsky and Tina for dinner, and that turned everything right again. They just celebrated their first wedding anniversary, which is super hard to believe, and we caught up on everything in our respective lives over steak at one of the v. old-school places they like to frequent in Belmont. It was great to see them, even if their ideas for romance novels alternate between 'possibly genius' and 'truly horrifying'.

Now that I'm home safe, though, I need to sleep - I know everything will be less anxiety-inducing once I'm getting more words on the page more regularly, and I think I've done enough plotting for now and it's time to start producing scenes. So that's the plan for tomorrow (easier said than done, but I'm going to give it my best shot). Goodnight!

your trojan's in my head

Today was kind of a mess, if I'm being honest. Not for any good reason, really...but I'm feeling like I'm not being productive enough, and when I get into one of those fear spirals, it's easy to let it carry me all the way to the bottom rather than finding an off-ramp. But at least I know a fear spiral when I see one now...so I have some hope that I've eventually deal with them more quickly, if not evade them entirely (a noble, likely futile goal).

But it wasn't all fear and stress and despair...I woke up moderately early and met Kathia at 9:30, so I got in a couple of hours of legit brainstorming this morning. I'm coming close to a solid plot, I think, and I am planning to press hard this week to see where I can take it. After we parted ways, I said hi to Hugo (who was working, unbeknownst to me, in the same cafe downstairs), laughed at his general life plight because I have no bedside manner, and then left him to his studying so that I could buy groceries and make a belated breakfast/lunch. Then I spent the early afternoon doing laundry/napping/panicking. And then I called my parents, who were in fine form (albeit still, somehow, sick), which made me feel better because at least someone will still love me even if my books all suck henceforth and I have to get a job as a janitor at a Starbucks because I never even learned how to pull a shot of espresso properly. Sigh.

sssanyway, I was going to mope some more after I got off the phone with them, but since I now recognize a fear spiral, I instead put on some real clothes, walked to the Marina, and had an extended dinner at Mezes. I picked the right night to do it, since they were v. v. slow, so I got to catch up with the bartender in a v. leisurely way. I also enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine and some delish chicken skewers while plotting and scheming in my notebook...I wanted to plot out the week ahead, and I accomplished it well enough. Eventually, I said goodbye, came home, and finished a book I'd started awhile ago ('Prudence', a steampunk novel that's a spinoff from a series I'd previously loved - my jury is out on whether I love this series yet, but it was a good enough read).

And so, happily, I feel better than I did this afternoon, and I'm eager to tackle this week with all the ruthlessness I used to use against my day job. Or something. Goodnight!

nothing lasts forever...but the sound of love astounds me every time that it calls

I had meant to go to bed super early tonight to make up for last night's debauchery, but I sabotaged myself by reading a book instead. C'est la vie...it wasn't the worst choice I could have made, I suppose. I was pretty lazy this morning (see: last night's debauchery), but I eventually wandered to my old neighborhood and had a late breakfast at Tony's cafe. It was good to see him; he showed me pictures of the vacation he and his family took this week, which were cute enough to make me forgive him for being closed when I wanted breakfast there on Thursday. Then I was going to go to the gym, but I hung out for an hour writing first, and by the time it was time to work out, I wasn't feeling it.

So I came home, ate a snack, took a nap, showered, and went to Philz, where I spent a couple of hours continuing to read the book about satire in seventeenth century London (riveting!). I read it for another hour when I came home, but at that point I needed to take a break from such a stimulating subject (and from staring at pages). So I straightened up my apartment, made a sandwich, ate the sandwich, painted my nails, and then read some filthy vampire erotica to make up for my studiousness.

But now that the illicit fireworks finally seem to have died down outside, I'm going to sleep and hope that I restore myself so that I can write tomorrow - goodnight!

you'll fall in love and you'll be screaming demon

I was out and about far, far later than I'm accustomed to (I know I said that last night, but tonight has last night beat). However, I drank far, far less alcohol than I usually drink in the particular crowd I was out with tonight, so maybe I'm growing up? Or maybe the desire to not be hungover so that I can write and go to the gym tomorrow overcame my usual go-with-the-flow (of alcohol) vibe.

Either way, I'm remarkably sober (if remarkably tired), so you'll prob get too much detail in this blog post and not nearly enough typos/jhokes. #sorrynotsorry

The day started off later than usual due to last night's mild debauchery, but I made it to a cafe by ten-ish, where I worked v. diligently for a couple of hours. I didn't write anything, but I took the necessary step of going back through Thorington's book to see what I'd committed myself to that might help/hinder the new plot idea I had (answer: I committed to some things I wish I hadn't, but it's not insurmountable). Then I came home, ate lunch, and then got a pedicure (perhaps not a necessity, but I'm not going to cut pedicures until I start cutting expenses (which hopefully won't have to happen...it will depend on how Rafe's book does and whether I think the market will keep growing or whether the ebook industry is going to collapse under my feet and take my dreams and finances with it) -- and even then, there are prob other things I would cut first). I did a bit of work/planning while getting the pedicure -- perhaps not enough to write it off on my taxes as a business expense, but enough to get me daydreaming about my business.

Post-pedicure, I came home, took a nap, and then walked to Philz (which was closed early, so I went back to the other Philz). I spent a couple of hours reading 'City of Laughter: Sex and Satire in Eighteenth Century Britain' -- my new idea for Rafe involves some satire stuff, so I'm doing some research to get some ideas about British satire and understand the limits of what I can do with this idea. The book is actually quite fascinating and well-written, so I'm enjoying reading it -- perhaps not so much that I would recommend it without reservation to all of you, but definitely enough that I intend to keep going over the next few days. Of course, I can't just do research -- if I do that, it's easy to spend weeks/months not writing at all. So I want to start writing (or at least outlining) tomorrow, even if the temptation of reading is strong.

However, all fun times must come to an end, so I reluctantly put the book aside and pursued my duty of attending Chandlord's pre-4th of July party. Perhaps if I'd pounded alcohol early I would have been more prepared for what was to come, but I was quite sedate -- I had a glass of wine and a glass of whisky on the rocks, which I nursed until it became more water than anything else. And I mostly spent the party catching up with Omar (who visited me in Iowa so many years ago) and Maya and Jesse (who have twins and somehow miraculously still have a social life), along with Ken (whom I saw last night; this was our third interaction ever, but I think he has a solid sense of who I am since he complimented my brazen ability to throw shade at people around me) and Hugo (who works at the same cafe I've been working at -- and by 'works' I mean he's studying for the bar while I write; we're not baristas, obvi). And Katrina was there as well, although we didn't have a lot of quality time together. At some point some random group of dudes showed up, but other than throwing shade at them (while checking them out in a desultory sort of way), I had no real interaction with any of them.

Despite the lack of interaction, our fractured groups (sans some of the people who made their blessed escape) ended up at YamaSho, which is a karaoke place with private rooms. Adit and Priyanka met us there, after attending the opera (so civilized), and Omar and I hung out with them upstairs while they ate ramen and we started trying to get through the gigantic bottle of sake that Omar ordered. Eventually, though, we descended into the bowels of hell, where there was a battle for karaoke supremacy going on between Ken and some of the random dudes from Vidya's party. This was kind of entertaining to watch, but I was far too sober for karaoke (although perhaps sober is better than exhausted, since Omar somehow fell asleep in the middle of it all). However, it was still fun to hang out, and I didn't have a mental break from the noise and run away abruptly like I did the last time I went to YamaSho, so I'd say that's progress.

Anyway, I left with Adit/Priyanka/Omar, who gave me an entirely unnecessary (but sweet) ride home to make sure I didn't get murdered; since my apartment was across the street from where they parked, it would have been far more efficient to let me walk home while they watched me get murdered from a distance, but the ride was nice anyway. And now I must sleep so that I can write/read/work out tomorrow -- goodnight!

kiss me hard before you go

I awoke today at 5:20am from a nightmare in which I was in an interminable meeting with someone from my old job, which was just like every meeting I actually ever had with that person (interminable, and unmemorable save for the fact that every moment was excruciating even though the end result was always unworthy of mention). Luckily, the dream ended when I went back to my desk and then remembered that the intern is currently sitting in my desk, at which point I remembered that I'm free and don't have to dream about those fuckers anymore. [disclaimer if any coworkers happen to have stumbled across my blog: if you're reading this, you're (probably, maybe) not classified as 'those fuckers' in my mind].

sssanyway, I went back to sleep until seven or so, and then I showered and hied myself to my old neighborhood with the intention of having breakfast at my favorite cafe. But Tony is slacking this week and closed the restaurant so he could take a vacation. I'd already paid for parking, though, so I found another place on Union Street that served a totally delish pulled pork hash with poached eggs...so while I felt dirty for cheating on Tony, my side-piece breakfast was really awesome. And Tony never has to know, right?

Then I went to SenSpa and got a massage. This was probably unnecessary; other than tweaking my neck in my sleep on Sunday, my body has been pretty relaxed (even Alyssa has commented that my body no longer resembles that of a wizened desk troll), and the only tension the massage therapist noticed was in my forearms (prob a combo of writing all the time + doing a lot of kettlebell/grip-type stuff). But it certainly felt good to get a massage and relax for a bit.

Post massage, I showered again, ate a snack, and met up with Kathia for a couple of hours of writing. I made a lot of notes about my new ideas for Rafe and Octavia, and she and I discussed my possible new plot while wandering through the Asian Art Museum after leaving the cafe (she's a member, so we could just go in for free). I think the new plot is a winner - it doesn't have the tired cliches that I thought the old plot had, and it leaves more room for happy/jokey/entertaining scenes instead of a lot of sturm und drang. So tomorrow I need to start rewriting what I have and making progress toward a solid draft.

I got home around 5:30, and I then messed around, made some chili because it was literally the only thing I could make (I'm even out of eggs), took a nap, and fortified myself for late evening plans (and by 'late' I mean '9:30 start time', which is plenty late in my sad new book). Chandlord came by and we went to Slate, where DJ Purple was doing karaoke night. I had heard many things about DJ Purple in the past, but true to form, I'm years late to the party. We met up with a couple of Chandlord's friends, and it was all quite delightful. It probably would have been even more delightful if I'd had ten drinks instead of one (at least until I vomited up drinks six through ten), but I was relatively subdued in an effort to keep from having a productivity-destroying hangover tomorrow.

I made it until 11:05, which was five minutes later than my goal, and so I parted ways with the group and came home. And now I shall sleep, hopefully dream of Rafe and Octavia instead of my fucking coworkers, and attempt to be productive all day tomorrow before pursuing some more social activities in the evening. Goodnight!

we are all made of stars

I meant to go to bed two hours ago so that I could get up super early and head for the cafe as the sun comes up...but instead I finished reading one book and started reading another. I'm not very regretful about this, though, since one of the things I intended to do more of after leaving the day job was to read more books, and I've definitely been doing that. What I *do* regret, though, is that somehow in my reading stupor I didn't notice that there was construction starting up outside, and there appears to be some sort of annoying roadwork going on at the corner that my apartment overlooks. There are times when I hate living in the city, and times when they do roadwork at midnight definitely qualify.

However, the rest of my day was good...I got up in time to do a bit of work at home before driving to the south bay to train with Alyssa. She tortured me, but it was bearable. After, I showered, ate a salad, grabbed coffee at Philz, drove home, and spent the afternoon doing more administrative stuff and answering email...I probably should have written, but that's on the plans for tomorrow, so I'll take what I got done today and call it good. And then I ended my night in a glorious haze of reading, so now you know everything.

Sorry, that was probably as boring for you as it was restorative for me. But my regularly scheduled social life resumes tomorrow (not that that's any better for you, but still). Goodnight!